


The Last Time I'm Wasted on You

by Ethsei



Category: E.L.F. (Super Junior EverLasting Friends), Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Dark, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drugs, Gen, Suicide Attempt, Super Junior - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-11
Updated: 2012-10-13
Packaged: 2017-11-16 02:01:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 49,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/534236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethsei/pseuds/Ethsei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyuhyun said it was one time thing - but that once became twice, then again and again. That was when the drugs started to take hold… </p><p> <br/>After the accident in 2007, Cho Kyuhyun's body felt weak even after his rehabilitation. Super Junior were nearing their second album release but Kyuhyun couldn't keep up with the strain on his body with the extensive hours and intense practice sessions. That was until he bumped into an old friend from high school and was offered something to keep him awake, something to keep him going even when he was exhausted and couldn't take it anymore. At first he just wanted to try it once and see if it could help, but before long he realised it was the only thing he could depend on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just Once

**Author's Note:**

> Posting this up here from AFF

It wasn’t meant to turn out like this. The first time I did it, it was, what I thought, a one time thing. Ever since I had returned after the accident my body hadn’t been the same. I felt tired earlier, my dancing was out of sync and my voice was strained and coarse. The other members took pity on me, they told me they understood and asked me not to force myself. Inside I knew I was holding everyone back, just like I did when I first joined the team. When I couldn’t dance without being in pain, the members all looked at me with pity in their eyes. I didn’t want their pity.

I wanted to be better.

Attending recitals was a major difficulty for me too. Most of the members would stay until the early hours of the morning, practising with each other until their dance moves and choreography were perfect. And yet again, I would be left behind. I hated myself for having such a weak body, I didn’t want to disappoint everyone else and let them down just because I wasn’t feeling a hundred percent. If anyone, it should’ve been Leeteuk that was given the most leniencies. He worked the hardest and hardly even slept because he had to take care of all of us - but still he was treated the harshest of all us by the company. I didn’t want to create an unnecessary burden on him.

I had to be better.

That’s why when an old friend of mine offered me something to keep me going through the day without getting tired, I accepted. I figured I could just use it once when we had am intense practice session and then people wouldn’t see how useless I was. They would think that I was working as hard as all of them and could keep up with their pace. Well that was how it started, anyway.

The first time I decided to take it was when Leeteuk snapped for the first time. Our comeback was soon and all I could do was mess up the moves since I hadn't practiced enough. Half way through a dance practice, Leeteuk stopped the music and trained his gaze on me, his eyes cold and harsh.

“Are you even trying, Kyuhyun?”

I felt like a hammer had just been smashed into my chest. Of course I was trying!

I told Leeteuk as much but he just clicked his jaw in annoyance, “Start acting like it. Our debut for our second album is coming up and we can’t afford mistakes.” His words were cold and biting. The way he said mistakes made me feel as if he thought I was doing it on purpose.

It struck a chord in me. I knew that I wasn’t working hard enough. My body didn’t let me keep up with everyone else and for that I cursed it. I cursed this weak, tired and injured body for just not being good enough. 

 

It was the next day before practice that I remembered the yellowish white powder that I was given that was so deftly named Speed. It was going to be a long day, and I knew that Leeteuk got so stressed any time a mistake was made. He couldn’t afford to look after me and point out what I was doing wrong. I needed all the energy I could get. I fished in my bag that I kept under my bed to hide my personal things in from others and pulled out the little packet. I examined the sand like substance and thought back to what my ‘friend’ had told me.

 

"There’s a few ways to take this, you can swallow a pill, inject or snort it." He had explained. I had told him I’d rather snort it. He pinched a bit of the substance from the packet and laid it on the singular table that adorned his living room, the singular piece of furniture in this run down thing he called a house. "This is how much you use. It takes 5 to 15 minutes to kick in if you snort.” He spoke in a clipped voice, trying to keep it short. It was evident that he had other things to sell.

“It lasts for 3-8 hours, depending on the person.” He handed me the packet, but only after I’d given him the money. He scribbled something on a piece of torn paper, his gloved hands gripping the pen. He pushed the paper to me forcefully, shoving it into my hands. On the paper he has written, ‘Lee Dong-Sun, 118 216 XXX.’ I looked down at the name and number, raising an eyebrow.

He had changed his name. He and I went back a while. We met in high school before I was famous and became good friends. After the whole fame thing, we drifted and I never spoke to him again. Jung soo... He was a good guy, I wondered how he has ended up here. I felt a pang of sadness and pity before realising that I wasn’t much different. I tried to brush away the thought. 

This was a one time thing…

 

I locked Ryeowook’s, Leeteuk’s and my bedroom's door, hoping that no one would come near in the time it took me to do this. As I closed the door, I heard a call from the passage, it was Leeteuk. “We’re leaving in 5 minutes!” I was determined not to let him down this time. I pinched the right amount of the substance and stared down at it as if it were a challenger I was about to compete with in a stadium - but it looked innocent enough just sitting there. This was what I needed.

I needed to be better.

I lowered my head, feeling anxiety bubble up in my stomach like a beast locked in a cage. Before I let the anxiety dominate my thoughts, I sniffed the powder using a 10 000 Won note. It felt harsh and ragged going through my nose, scraping against my nasal cavities. I blinked several times and wiped rough fingers across my nose. A brief image of my parents face flashed through my mind, but left as soon as it came.

I felt a little light headed, though I wasn’t sure if that was from the drug or nervousness. I covered the see through bag in some dark cloth and deposited it in the bag I was taking to rehearsal. ‘Dong-sun’ had said it would last 3-8 hours so I packed it in just in case I would need more. I hurried to the mirror to look at my face and make sure everything was in order. I washed my face just in case some powder I didn’t see had clung to my skin.

A sharp knock at my door startled me. “We’re going now!” Leeteuk shouted. I felt a bit of pride bubble up in my chest because I knew I could do well this time. I could make everything better.

I picked up my bag and headed towards the van that was parked outside of our dorm, sneakily dodging fans who camped outside. I realised I was the last to enter as I stepped in the van and saw all the other members waiting for me with impatient looks. I mumbled an apology, though I wasn’t sorry in the slightest. I was doing this for them after all. I took a seat in between Leeteuk and Sungmin who I felt were looking at me with disdain in their eyes.

The driver started up the car and the vibrations shook through my body. There was a tickling sensation in my stomach and I felt agitated and hyper. I wrung my hands on my lap and looked down at my watch in an attempt to allieviate my nervousness. About then minutes had passed since I had taken the drug and I was already feeling the effects. Everything seemed to speed up around me. My thoughts we’re going faster, my mind felt clearer and my body was full of energy for the first time since the accident. My legs began to bounce up and down from the pent up energy and I wrung my hands faster against my accord. I could practically feel Leeteuk’s and Sungmin’s eyes boring into me.

Sungmin whispered into my ear, “Kyuhyun are you okay?”

I looked up to his worried expression and my face split into a big grin, “well now that you ask me I’m feeling pretty good! I feel like I can practice a lot today. I’ll be able to perfect the moves and I think I can stay late because my body doesn’t feel tired today. I’m full of energy!” I said in quick succession, gaining a few weird looks from the people that heard. My mouth felt dry but I just wanted to talk and talk and talk...

Sungmin laughed shifted in his chair, looking awkward. “That’s good then…”

The grin didn’t leave my face and Sungmin had assumed I was in a good mood and smiled back. We joked all the way to the studio, leaving the others a little baffled towards my behaviour. Since the accident I hadn’t had any energy, so this was a big change for me. After the initial shock of seeing their maknae so happy, the others began to smile with me too, happy to know I was in a good mood again.


	2. Never Say Never

The rest of the day passed without incident, I wasn’t missing a beat this rehearsal. My hyung’s asked me several times if I was feeling tired or if I wanted to return home yet since I had been there much longer than usual, but I just declined since I was feeling so energetic and alive.

It was about six hours into the practice that I began to feel a bit sluggish and tired. My steps weren’t as precise as before and my head felt a little tender. I panicked a little when I realised I was on the come down.   
We still had at least four or five hours of practice before we could go home. I tried to keep up with everyone else but everything I did seemed to be in slow motion. I picked up when I remembered I had leftovers in my bag from this morning. I could’ve kissed myself for being such a genius. 

I looked at my watch and decided to hold on for another 30 or so minutes before our lunch break. It was getting harder and harder to concentrate on what I was doing, the combination of the come down and the fact that I hadn’t worked this hard or long for a while was affecting me a lot.

After what felt like forever, Leeteuk told us it was time for our break. I dropped to the floor in exhaustion and a few of my hyung’s ran over to me straight away, bombarding me with questions. I held up my hand to silence them and they did so right away. If I wasn’t so damn tired I would’ve laughed.

“I’m fine, just a little dehydrated,” I replied, smiling to reassure them.

They looked at me with skeptical eyes. “I could call manager Hyung to pick you up if you want,” Ryeowook offered. However I declined his offer, I knew what I needed to do to get a pick me up. It was important that I stay for all this rehearsal because I knew they needed me here, even if they didn’t say it out loud.

I stood up and laughed a little, “I’m fine I just need a few minutes rest.”

A few of them grumbled but allowed me to stay, albeit with a lot of reluctance. “If you’re feeling worse, don’t force it, you can go home and rest,” Leeteuk muttered in my ear. I looked up and him and he seemed a little torn. I felt my heart skip a beat, did he know something? Before I could freak out anymore, he patted my back and left with the others to go to the water dispenser and eat food.

I grabbed my bag and retreated to the change rooms with quiet steps. They were most often empty around lunch time since most people came early in the morning and left at night. I went into the furthest toilet stall away from the door I could find and put down the lid of the toilet, lining up a larger amount than this morning and breathing it in in a hurry before anyone came in. I wiped the surface clean and washed my face, careful to erase any evidence of what I had done.

I hurried back to the practice room to find everyone eating their lunches and relaxing. Though, for whatever reason, I wasn’t feeling hungry at all. The thirst that was burning my throat just a little while before had disappeared and I was beginning to feel a bit more positive now. I placed my bag out of sight and sat down to join everyone sitting on the floor. I was feeling a bit paranoid because I was worried someone had seen me, so when Sungmin called out my name I jerked in surprise.

“Kyuhyun, aren’t you going to eat?”

I stared down at the noodles that Sungmin had pushed towards me and my stomach flipped. It didn’t look appetizing at all. “Err, no thanks. I had a big breakfast,” I offered lamely.

Ryeowook frowned in suspicion, “I didn’t see you eat breakfast.”

My stomach spun around like a Ferris wheel. I had forgotten to eat breakfast because I was so nervous about taking the speed so I skipped out. “I just ate a few things from the fridge?” I tried to say, but it ended up coming out as a question. “I’m just not hungry.”

The members decided to shrug and give up, it wasn’t like it was a regular occurrence anyway.

“Just make sure you eat enough for dinner,” Leeteuk lectured. I nodded and a grin made its way to my face again for no apparent reason. I could feel the high kicking in again. I stood up and started stretching to loosen out my bunched muscles. The polished wood was like velvet on my bare feet and the lights seemed to have a beautiful, majestic glow to them.

A few others opted to stretch with me and I started up a conversation that seemed important at the time. I spoke to Siwon, Donghae and Eunhyuk about the importance of saving energy for the sake of the world. I could see them exchanging glances behind my back but I didn’t care. It was like an amazing amount of information was just at the tip of my brain waiting to be let out. Donghae coughed to interrupt my tirade of speech in an attempt to get me to stop talking about the various ways to save water and electricity.

“You’re looking… energetic compared to before lunch,” He observed.

I rubbed the back of my neck, “second wind I guess?”

Donghae laughed a little, looking unsure of what he should say next. “I guess...”

Thankfully, Leeteuk chose that moment to tell us to get back to practice, interrupting our conversation. Once again I danced in sync with everyone and felt on top of the world. The practice run ended without any incidents, but I was still feeling buzzed when returned home. To avoid anyone’s prying eyes, I retreated into my room and started to play Starcraft on my laptop. Everything was so much easier to react to and I was winning all of my games. I felt on top of the world – well that was until I started to come down again. I sighed, accepting the inevitable. I felt irritated.

The soft blanket I was lying underneath that felt comfortable before now scratched against my skin, the bright lights from my computer and lamp seemed to dull and everything went back to well... normal.

Sleeping that night seemed like an impossible task. I couldn’t calm down my irritable and depressed mind. Instead of sleeping I just stared blankly at the roof, not feeling anything but the waves of depression that crashed over me. I knew I had to restrain myself to taking the drug just every now and then. I didn’t want to become like those addicts on the street.

I was Cho Kyuhyun and I would never sink to that level.


	3. The Only Way

For the next two days after the high, I felt low and depressed. Everything I did took so much effort and my legs felt shaky and weak. Maybe the shaking was because of all the dancing I had done, or maybe it was the drug. I wasn’t sure. I did what I could in practice but my dancing could be described as lethargic at best. Leeteuk reprimanded me a little, but I think he felt guilty for doing so because he patted my shoulder.

My body hurt, it hurt so, so much. I had decided that in the mornings, just on the days practices that took longer than 6 hours, I would take just a little speed to perk me up a little. Nothing heavy. I continued this for about two weeks, just using small amounts every third or so day. I was beginning to use larger amounts to make sure that I got through the day since it seemed to have less of an effect every time I took it.

Everything seemed better, our practices we’re coming together more flawlessly because I didn’t make so many mistakes, I felt more energetic and I was getting on with the members so much better than before. On the days that I took speed, I was the centre of attention making everyone laugh and listen in to what I said. The members seemed happier so I felt happier.

It was all for the team, after all.

One morning though, I looked into my bag and realised that I had run out.

Dong-Sun had given me a substantial amount at first that lasted me a while, but now I needed a bit more. I rummaged through my bag looking for the small piece of paper I threw somewhere in there without care. I cursed myself for not putting it somewhere safer, but I suppose at the time I didn’t think I’d be needing the number again.

I hadn’t sunk to the low level of an addict, it just improved my performances. After the second album was released then I would be able to stop taking it and let my body rest some more. Then I could recover and come back a better person. Right now though, I needed energy for this to work. My hand brushed past something that felt like paper and pulled it out of the bag in relief. For a minute there I had thought I lost the small scrap of paper.

I picked out my mobile phone and saved the number in my contacts under LDS. I didn’t want anyone to know who he was so I kept it in initials. I called the number and waited for him to pick up, my foot tapping on the ground with impatience.

A scratchy voice answered from the other line, “What?”

I breathed in and out, “Its Kyuhyun.”

There was a brief pause before he started laughing, “Kyuhyun, I knew you’d call. It’s been a while, eh?”

I hummed a non committal agreement into the phone. “When can I meet you?”

Unfortunately, Leeteuk decided to enter our room at that time. He walked past, listening but trying to play it cool. Dong-Sun grunted over the phone, “Give me two days, I don’t have any with me.”

I clenched my teeth in annoyance, two days? The next two days were the most vigorous practice sessions we had for the week.

“Is there any other way…” I trailed off, hoping that Dong-Sun would get what I was talking about.

I didn’t want Leeteuk to understand what we were talking about, but leaving the room would look suspicious. Then again maybe it wouldn’t. To play it safe I just tried to speak in a hushed voice, talking as cryptically as possible.

Dong-Sun understood what I meant and he let out a grungy laugh, “Sure there are other ways, but they aren’t as clean as mine.”

I felt a bit exasperated now, I needed something to keep me awake for the next two days “can you tell me?”

He hummed over the phone, “I could… but I’m not keen on losing a customer.”

I let out a harsh sigh, “please?”

He laughed that dirty laugh again, “sorry, two days or nothing.”

I gritted my teeth and agreed, “two days.” I snapped my phone shut in annoyance. That asshole. How was I supposed to survive during practice with my body as it is?

“Who was that?” Leeteuk asked, trying to appear casual, but by seeing his face I could tell he was dying of curiosity.

“An old friend from school,” I answered with the truth, but was I still feeling a bit panicky.

Leeteuk must’ve picked up on my panic and his eyes narrowed, “A girl?”

I shook my head and opened my mouth ready to respond, but before I could speak Leeteuk spoke again. “If it is a girl, don’t contact her. We can’t afford scandals at this stage.”

I huffed in indignation. Of course I knew that. This was one of our most important moments and I wasn’t about to let it screw up. That’s the reason I was doing something so dirty. It was for Super Junior’s success. It was all for the group. 

“I know,” I whispered to myself in a harsh voice.

I knew that Leeteuk could hear, but instead of getting angry he walked towards me and looked at me with genuine concern. “Are you okay?”

I looked at him in surprise, “What?”

“You haven’t been looking well lately, does your body still hurt?” He asked, concern etched on every inch of his face. Of course it still hurts.

“I’m fine, Hyung.”

He sighed a little, “You can tell me if it hurts, I won’t make you practice if it does. It’ll just slow down your recovery.”

“Hyung it’s okay. Most days my body’s fine it just hurts sometimes,” I lied. Well in a way it was true, when I was sober it hurt. Otherwise I was too high to notice the pain. Leeteuk pursed his lips together, not looking pleased at all. I guessed he didn’t believe my words. “Just if you need to talk…” he trailed off.

“Thanks,” I replied curtly, looking down at my sheets as Leeteuk wandered out of the room. If I even told him what was going on he would never let me do it.

But it’s the way to perfection…


	4. Chapter 4

The next two days consisted of me messing up again, and again, and again…

Then being yelled at again, and again and again…

I attempted to make myself more alert with copious amounts of caffeine but it didn’t work as well as I would’ve liked. All it did was make me more jumpy but it didn’t improve my attention span at all. 

I reminded myself I just had to wait a little while then I’d be better at dancing again, I wouldn’t let the group down.

 

I stayed up late that night, waiting for everyone to go to bed before I snuck out to meet Dong-Sun. I didn’t want any of the members to realise where I had gone so I needed to make this quick. It was around 3am that everyone had fallen into a deep sleep. I stood from my bed and got outside without anyone noticing. I pulled on the hood of my jumper, covering my face with sunglasses and walked a few streets down. I must’ve looked shady, like the bad type of person you don’t want to meet when you’re walking around the streets at night because I had my hood up and large sunglasses to obscure my face. Once I decided I was far away enough from out dorms I hailed a taxi.

 

When I arrived at Dong-Sun’s, I asked the taxi driver to wait for a moment until I got back. He gave me a funny look, the building I was about to go in was run down and looked like no one had lived here for a long time. Plus I must’ve looked like I was up to no good, which admittedly, I wasn’t.

The taxi driver just looked like he wanted to get out of there as soon as he could. I made my way through the path, kicking away overgrown plants that obscured the brick pavement with weeds growing in between the cracks. I knocked on the paint chipped door and heard some movement inside.

There were a few curse words that we’re thrown around followed by loud footsteps. The door swung open to reveal a pyjama wearing, sleepy looking Dong-Sun. “What the…? It’s three thirty in the morning for god’s sake!”

I shrugged unapologetically, “Do you have it? I’m sort of in a rush.”

He grunted and told me to wait by the door.

I was glad I didn’t have to go in because I could see cockroaches flittering about on the floor, looking quite undisturbed and at home. I started to question the cleanliness of what he was giving me… Well it wasn’t like I had much choice anyway. I didn’t know anyone else. I kicked my feet on the ratty door mat with the faded letters ‘Welcome Home’ imprinted on it, impatient. He’d been inside for almost fifteen minutes. Though before I barged in there, which I didn’t want to do because of the smell, he emerged. Smirking he handed me what I needed and I handed him the money. We didn’t trust each other at all, so we handed each other what we needed at the same time. Putting the speed in my jacket pocket, I walked away. I didn’t even bother saying goodbye.

 

I took the taxi back to where he picked me up from and I walked back to our dorm. It was 4:15. 

I cursed under my breath realising that the exchange took much longer than I intended it to. Hopefully everyone would still be asleep. I creaked the door open and tip toed in silently. I blew out a breath of relief when I didn’t see anyone, I was in the clear. Just as I was about to go back to my room to feign sleep, someone grabbed me on the shoulder and turned me around with force, finger digging into my shoulder. I didn't even have any time to be confused before Leeteuk’s angry face was staring intently at me, his arms pinning me against the wall.

“Where were you?” He asked with venom lacing his words.

I tried to avoid eye contact but he grabbed my face and made me look at him, “Where. Were. You?” He asked again.

I stuttered, but nothing coherent came out. The grip on my shoulders became tighter, and I squeaked out, “walking.”

It was a pathetic excuse, I know. But when the most intimidating member of your group is staring at you like that, well… It’s hard to think. 

He scoffed, “I’m sure you were. What have you been getting up to? Who are those secretive calls to? Why do you feel the need to sneak out of our dorms? Do you even CARE about what this could do to our members? Do you care about our comeback? Do you?” he shouted a little louder then he should’ve with the whole dorm sleeping.

I felt anger build up in my stomach, “OF COUSE I CARE!” I yelled in his face.

He seemed momentarily surprised before launching back into arguing, “Then why do you keep doing things like this!”

“Because I care!” I snarled. “Because I need to be BETTER!”

Leeteuk’s grip didn’t loosen but his face contorted in confusion, “Oh please Kyuhyun, do explain to me how doing all of these things makes it better because frankly I’m not seeing it!” He barked at me.

I kept my face as stoic as I could, “Everything I did was for Super Junior, everything. I’m dirty now because of it.” I replied in a calm manner, but on the inside I was anything but calm. I was fuming. I knew I shouldn’t be saying anything like this but my anger was making me blurt out the first things that came to mind.

Leeteuk stared at me as if trying to figure something out, “Wha-“ He began but was cut off by an irate Sungmin.

“HYUNG! What do you think you’re doing?” 

Leeteuk looked to me, then to Sungmin then back at me. His eyes we’re fixed onto mine and I stared back, unwavering.

“Leeteuk Hyung!” Sungmin tried again, approaching us to break up the fight. Before he reached us though, Leeteuk loosened his grip while still looking at me. “I’ll talk to you about this later,” he scowled unpleasantly, storming away.

I rubbed my upper arms, I could tell that there was going to be some bruising later on. Sungmin stood in front of me and put palm against my cheek, “what happened?”

I didn’t want to speak, I already felt guilty enough about what I was doing. I didn’t want anyone to judge me. Instead I just pulled Sungmin in and held him as close as I could, refusing to cry. Just a few more weeks until our second album is released, then it’ll all be over, I told myself. Sungmin rubbed soothing circles onto my back, asking again what happened. Instead of answering I just pulled him tighter to me. I didn’t want to think about it. I wasn’t using it because I enjoyed it… I didn’t enjoy it…

A voice in the back of my head whispered, keep telling yourself that, you know it’s not true.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up to a hand shaking me. I groaned and rolled the other way, I just wanted to sleep…

“Wake up,” the voice said. I turned my head to get a look at who was speaking and realised it was Leeteuk who was shaking me. I instinctively backed off a little, he looked hurt. He hung his head, something which I hardly ever saw him do and he whispered, “I’m sorry about last night. I’m just… worried.”

I sat up a little and looked at him, he did look like he was sorry. For some reason I felt a pang of guilt in my chest, as if I was the one holding him against the wall last night. “You’re still recovering and I had no right to hurt you.”

I pulled off my covers and made to get up, but before I could stand he touched my arm just below the bruises. The gray tank top I was wearing gave us both a full view of the bruises. They were turning a nasty blue colour.

“Does it hurt?” he asked in a small voice.

I looked at him in the eyes, “It doesn’t,” I responded, being truthful for the first time in a while. They felt stiff, but it didn’t hurt. “It’s okay,” I murmured, “I was the one being selfish.”

Leeteuk’s mouth twitched upwards, “I guess we’re both in the wrong.”

I laughed a little, “I guess we were.”

There was a bit of an awkward silence in which Leeteuk removed his hand from my arm but kept looking at me, as if there was something he wanted to say but was conflicted about it. “Kyuhyun, just promise me you won’t do that again. Promise you’ll come to me if something is wrong.”

I nodded a little, feeling guilty. I wanted to say nothing’s wrong but the words wouldn’t come out.

“Well, when you’re ready…” he spoke, leaving me alone in our room.

I sighed and got up. I rubbed my arms with care, trying to soothe the stiffness and swelling around my arms. It was a slow day today, practice would last around 5 hours, so at least I could feel a bit of relief. I considered not taking any speed since it was such a short day, but the bruises on my arms made me think otherwise. How was I supposed to practice if I couldn’t move my arms around? They were still feeling stiff.

 

I’d bought a lot more this time around, not because I’d be needing it more, but because I never wanted to go back to that disaster zone that Dong-Sun called a ‘home.’ I figured this could last me the three weeks before our comeback if I took it once every four or so days. Satisfied, I entered the bathroom and lined it up, using a little more than usual. I rolled up a paper bill that I carried around in my pocket and sniffed the substance. I did the normal routine of washing my face, watching my pupils expand and putting everything away sneakily before walking out into the main lounge.

There was still another half an hour or so before we had to leave for practice so I figured I’d just do a bit of exercise before we went. I had so much energy that I figured I had to burn some of it off. Just as I started my exercises, Ryeowook walked into the lounge to inform me that he had breakfast ready. 

When he saw I made no move to get up he frowned. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Not hungry,” I replied, not focusing on the conversation.

There was a brief pause before Ryeowook spoke, his voice layered with disapproval. “When are you ever hungry? I can’t remember the last time you ate with all of us. To top it off all you’re doing these days is exercising! And do you think I don’t notice that you barely ever sleep? I’m worried Kyuhyun…”

I didn’t let up on my exercising, I was too high for the words to sink in. “Everything’s fine.”

Ryeowook stamped his foot like a kid. I guess he wasn’t the eternal Maknae for nothing. “Everything is NOT alright!” He said, upset.

I just wanted him off my back at this stage so I stopped doing sit ups and looked at him in the eyes.

“You’re right, everything isn’t all right at the moment. But it’s getting better. Its just ever since the accident…” I was just making something up off the top of my head, but maybe somewhere in there, there was something remotely truthful.

Ryeowook softened a bit at the mention of the accident. “Aish, you make us worry you know that?”

I laughed half heartedly, “Sorry, now go get the other member’s or they’ll be grumpy.”

Ryeowook muttered something I couldn’t hear then left. I got up off the floor, I didn’t feel like exercising anymore. I wanted a bit of fresh air. I wandered in the general direction of the front door, every now and then stopping to bounce up and down. After much bouncing, I reached the door. It felt like the door was calling to me, even an inanimate object was telling me it was a good idea to go outside. I didn’t bother putting my shoes on as I stumbled outside, the cool stone floor biting at my feet. I wasn’t wearing anything but a sleeveless shirt and track pants so the wind hit my exposed arms and face, feeling as if was freezing me from the outside in. Somehow though I found that it didn’t bother me - It was almost calming in a way. I breathed in through my nose, savouring the burning feel from the cold.

I felt refreshed.

I bounced from foot to foot and neared the balcony. We we’re living on the 11th floor of the building and the view from up here was spectacular. Everything looked alive from this perspective. I grabbed onto the railing and stuck my head forwards trying to get a better look at the people that looked like ants below. A small, involuntary giggle escaped my lips and I watched them march back and forth, like they were in a trance… I heard something in the distance, but it seemed so far away. It sounded like a voice, but I wasn’t sure. I was too entranced by the people parading back and forth like an army. Something warm wrapped around my waist and jerked me back and I was broken out of my trance.

A harsh and hysterical voice sounded in my ears. “What are you doing!?”

The person’s arms were still wrapped around my waist, so I leaned back into them. It was warm and comfortable. I decided I didn’t like the cold anymore, it was too harsh. This person was warm. I let my eyes close as the man behind me tried to support my weight. I felt myself being yanked backwards but I wasn’t aware of where I was going. I heard a slam and everything around me became warmer. I vaguely registered in my mind that I was inside, but the pulling on my waist didn’t cease. I didn’t want to open my eyes.

I began to wriggle my arms and legs around, searching for freedom. The arms weren’t comfortable anymore, they were harsh and forceful. “Stop,” the voice commanded desperately. I frowned to myself, I didn’t know anyone that sounded like that.

Well, maybe I did. I wasn’t sure. My mind was all over the place and I couldn’t think straight. Thankfully the pulling on my waist stopped and I felt myself being lifted onto somewhere soft. It was comfortable. I felt a hand on my forehead and decided to open my eyes.

I looked up and saw the face of Leeteuk staring down at me in something that looked akin to horror. I felt restless. I didn’t want to lie down so I sat up. Leeteuk made a move to lie me down again but I pushed away his hands, confused as to what was happening. 

“Were you trying to get yourself killed?” He almost screeched.

I furrowed my eyebrow, killed? Why would I want to be killed? A few things began to make sense to me as I connected one and two. I was pulled back from the balcony by Leeteuk. Maybe I was going to fall? I reached out my arms to Leeteuk, a deep feeling of affection appearing from nowhere. I pulled him in, hugging him for all my arms were worth. 

“You know you’re the best Hyung ever. I want to stay your dongsaeng for-evvver. You’re the best person I’ve ever met. You take care of people. Do you ever sleep? Sometimes I see you awake, but sometimes I don’t.” I fired at a rapid pace, speaking all sorts of nonsense.

I pulled back and put my hands on either side of Leeteuk’s face looking him in the eyes. He was scared now. “K-Kyuhyun, what?”

My eyes went wide, Leeteuk stuttered. He stuttered! Out of nowhere I burst into laughter. I couldn’t help it. I clutched at my stomach like it was the funniest thing I had ever heard in my life. I felt a light slap on my cheek, it didn’t hurt but it caught my attention. I looked up a little at Leeteuk again, apparently he had come to some sort of conclusion if the look on his face was anything to go by.

“Are you… Are you drunk? At seven in the morning?” He questioned incredulously. I started laughing again, but I wasn’t sure why.

Leeteuk stood up and looked down at me, “Oh god… really?”

He seemed more angry than concerned now. “After everything I keep telling you about our image… Cho Kyuhyun I don’t know what to do with you.” He sighed irately. 

“RYEOWOOK!” Leeteuk shouted, his voice echoing throughout the house.

There was a bang, some shuffling then a timid ‘yes?’ as he approached us. I hid my face. I didn’t want to talk to Ryeowook this morning and I didn’t want to talk to him now. Ryeowook took in the scene, confused. There was me hiding my face with a livid Leeteuk standing above me. “Is there any breakfast left?”

Ryeowook, still confused answered in a hushed voice, “Y-yes, there’s Kyuhyun’s food. He didn’t eat it this morning.”

Leeteuk let out a sharp breath of air. “Bring it to me,” he demanded, not caring that he was scaring Ryeowook a little. Ryeowook was back in record time with my breakfast, placing it on the coffee table behind Leeteuk and scurried away as soon as he realised he wasn’t needed anymore. 

“Eat,” he ordered.

I shook my head in defiance. “Not hungry.”

I heard some clanging and lifted my face from the pillow to see what was going on. Leeteuk had stabbed a piece of egg on the chopsticks and held it out to me, his knuckles turning white from gripping them so hard. I turned my head to the side again, but he forcefully pulled me back.

I felt restless so I kicked my legs around trying to release some of the energy that was pent up. He shoved the piece of egg in my mouth and before I could spit it out he put a hand over my mouth, lifting my jaw up and down with his other hand forcing me to chew. I glared at him but he continued doing this until I swallowed. I didn’t want to eat. I wasn’t hungry.

He continued feeding my until my plate was half finished. He didn’t seem to have the energy to hold me down and feed me the rest.

He put his head in his hands, “Really, what am I supposed to do with you?”


	6. Chapter 6

Leeteuk stayed home from practice to look after me, begrudgingly admitting my health was more important than one day’s practice. He laid me down in a bed, much to my protest, and put a cool cloth against my forehead.

“You know what the funny thing is?” He whispered, more talking to himself than to me, “I don’t even feel angry anymore. Not even annoyed. I don’t know what I feel.” His face was impassive as he pulled the sheets around me. “I asked you to come to me if anything was wrong. I asked you. I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything else, you’ve always been like this.”

I stared at him for a minute, he just sat there with his head in his hands. I couldn’t take the bleak atmosphere that was descending around us. I was still on a high and felt restless as ever. “Teukie OPPA!” I whined.

I heard some weird choking sounds coming from Leeteuk’s mouth. “O-o-o-Oppa?” He stuttered, his words coming out in a higher pitch than I’d ever heard from him before.

I sat up at lightening speeds, taking advantage of his distraction, leaping away from the covers and out the door in seconds. I ran to the lounge room and proceeded to leap onto the leather couch, bouncing up and down. I heard footsteps nearing me and a loud, “YA!” I grabbed a pillow in defence. Leeteuk walked into the room, looking bewildered and flushed. 

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” He asked with nervousness in his voice, eyeing me jumping on the couch with a pillow in my hand.

I shrugged and continued bouncing.

“That’s dangerous,” he pointed out, inching towards me.

I smirked, as if I was going to let him get near me. “But Oppa!”

It worked wonders, Leeteuk’s cheeks flushed pink and he began to splutter again. I threw the pillow at him but this time he was more prepared. He caught the pillow and advanced on me.

“Ya Cho Kyuhyun, just because you’re drunk doesn’t mean I’m going to let you get away with calling me… that!” He growled, sending his best death glare in my direction. Leeteuk’s threats didn’t seem all that menacing compared to the day before when I was sober, so I shrugged and continued backing away from him at a steady pace. I began to reach a dead end as I walked to the front door.

Either I faced the wrath of Leeteuk or I ran outside in the cold, possibly endangering my career and body… I took the sane option and tried to evacuate. Unfortunately though, I realised too late I didn’t have any keys. Leeteuk rounded the corner and stared me down. I held up my hands in surrender. “You!” He barked, grabbing my collar and pushing me against the wall. He slapped his hands on either side of the wall surrounding my head. I looked at him with innocent eyes.

“Right first things first. Oppa is OFF LIMITS at ALL TIMES!”

I gave a non committal shrug.

“SECOND! You’ll follow the guidance of your Hyung’s at ALL TIMES.”

I knew he wasn’t angry, so I didn’t take his words to heart. I whipped out one of my legs and tried to off balance him by wrapping my leg around the back off his knee, pulling towards me. While it did have the effect of putting him off balance, it just made him fall into me.

We both looked to the front door when we heard it creaking.

Sungmin stepped in, not looking up while removing his shoes and shouted “I’m just back here to get my ph-… oh…”

He looked up and saw us. I remembered what kind of position we were in. Leeteuk’s arms were on the wall behind me, his body pushed up against mine because of me trying to put him off balance and my leg wrapped around his.

Well, this could be taken the wrong way.

Leeteuk began to rattle off an explanation while I just shrugged, pushed him off and skipped away happy to be able to move around again. It felt wasteful being tied down. I heard Leeteuk saying something, trying to defuse the situation.

I shrugged, I’d just let him deal with that.


	7. Chapter 7

After the high had worn off I realised that Sungmin was avoiding me. I also realised what I’d just done.

Almost died? Check.

Got Leeteuk Hyung angry? Check.

Caused awkward misunderstandings? Check.

Oops.

I mentally berated myself for acting so out of it. I didn’t know why I had been so weird this time compared to the other times. In the end, I just chalked it up to lack of sleep. Ever since I started taking the drug it was getting harder and harder to sleep, even on the nights when I was sober. I just started up at the ceiling observing the little cracks and details that one wouldn’t normally notice. Sometimes I didn’t even bother trying to sleep.

Tonight was one such night.

I felt lethargic but every time I tried closing my eyes my body decided it didn’t want me to sleep. I tossed around once more in annoyance before getting up realising that sleep was a wasted effort after all. I took a brief glance at Ryeowook and Leeteuk’s sleeping forms, they hadn’t moved so I’d assumed I hadn’t woken them up with my tossing and turning. Knowing I was safe from being questioned for the time being, I wandered into the kitchen to get some water to drink. Just before I had reached the kitchen I spotted a faint light that casted long dreary shadows across the floor, accentuating the body of someone who was sitting at the kitchen table.

I craned my neck through the archway connecting the hall and the kitchen to get a better look at who was sitting there in the middle of the night. I was shocked when I saw a distressed looking Sungmin, hands in head. I had the urge to run over to him straight away but instead I observed for a little longer. He wasn’t crying but he might as well have been for how upset he looked. Every now and then he would clench his fists and pull his hair.

I decided that I had waited long enough since nothing seemed to change – there was no emotional outbursts that would help me identify what was wrong so I walked into the room. I made my presence known by coughing a little in my throat. Sungmin started in shock and moved his hands away from his head into his lap, trying to hide the fact that he was having some sort of crisis.

“You shouldn’t be up,” I commented, unsure of what to say.

He looked up at me, then seemingly realising his mistake of making eye contact he tore his gaze away from me, “I could say the same for you.”

I shrugged even though I knew he couldn’t see and proceeded to boil water for two cups of tea. The room was otherwise silent, a tense atmosphere weighing down between us.

Putting the cup of tea that Sungmin once told me was his favourite because of three little chips in it that formed a smiling face on the orange surface in front of Sungmin, I took a seat next to him. He sighed with a heaviness in his breath.

“What’s wrong?” I coaxed.

At first Sungmin refused to look up or even take the tea I had offered him, but after a few minutes of silence he picked up the cup and sipped at its contents, hands wringing around the handle.

He snorted into his cup a little out of the blue, “It’s going to sound stupid.”

I didn’t say anything but continued sipping my drink, waiting for him to open up.

“Everyone in our team is working hard, they’re putting in their best efforts to make us reach the top. We’ve practised for so long and worked so hard for this comeback but… What if it doesn’t turn out like we expected it to?” Sungmin paused momentarily, finding his words, “I’ve always imagined us being together forever, all thirteen of us. When I think about the future I can’t imagine what it would be like without you all in it. What if we mess up? We’re trying so hard, but what if it isn’t good enough?”

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond to him. In all honesty, it had been something that was plaguing me as well, what if we just weren’t good enough? Not good enough for the fans, the producers, the company, our families, friends… That’s why I had to turn to some extreme methods to make sure everything was perfect.

Sungmin looked worried enough so I didn’t want to bring up any of my troubles. “Sungmin Hyung, everyone goes through these thoughts. It’s normal to have doubts before carrying out something that you've been working hard for over a long time.”

I felt like I was reading off of a textbook but I didn’t know what else to say. I put my arm on his shoulders in a form of physical comfort, after all actions did speak louder than words.

Sungmin laughed uncomfortably, “I’m being selfish, right?”

I was genuinely confused, “selfish?”

“Here I am worrying about myself and how much I’ll be hurt if things don’t go well. I should be thinking about the team’s success, not my own.”

I frowned at his reasoning, “That’s not being selfish at all, that’s called taking care of yourself. And you, Sungmin Hyung, deserve that more than anyone I know.”

He didn’t reply but I felt some of the tension leave his shoulders. “You really think I’m not being selfish?”

I laughed, “Hyung, you’re the most caring and unselfish person I've ever met, stop worrying. Besides, putting yourself before 12 other members really isn’t something that could be considered selfish. You have to consider your feelings and health first sometimes.” As I was speaking I felt like I wasn't just talking to Sungmin, but to myself, as well.

He laughed a little back, not out of humour but more out of relief. “Thanks Kyuhyun.”

There was a comfortable silence between us as we both took comfort in each other presence. I felt Sungmin pull away from my arm wrapped around his shoulder after an immeasurable amount of time.

“Um…” He started, but stopped short.

I raised an eyebrow, “Yes?” His face looked pained and worried and I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, what was wrong? Even in the poorly lit room, I noticed a deep blush taking place on his face and just getting more and more intense.

“I just wanted to ask… I mean I know it’s probably not – no – It’s definitely not my place to ask but are you…”

I waited patiently.

“AreyouandLeeteukHyungtogether?” He asked all in one breath, cringing.

I blinked once. Twice. He thought we were together? Before I could stop it, a loud chain of laughter escaped my lips as I started smacking the kitchen table in mirth. He thought because of that day, that we were a couple? I couldn’t calm down my laughter as I kept replaying the situation in my head from Sungmin’s point of view.

“Kyuhyun…?” Sungmin asked, looking at me as if I was a crazy person.

This just made me double over and laugh some more. A few doors banged open as Kangin, Eunhyuk and Ryeowook came in to the kitchen to investigate the origin of the noise. Once they saw me now rolling around on the floor laughing so hard tears were coming to my eyes, they looked at Sungmin. He just shrugged and gave the hyung’s a meaningful look as if to say, 'he’s lost it'.

I slowed my laughter to small gasps of air and stood up. Everyone in the room was looking at me like I was crazy.

“Aish this kid, hey some of us are trying to sleep,” Kangin complained. As I met his eyes, I fell onto the floor again laughing just as much as before.

“Disrespectful kid,” Kangin muttered, but with an undertone of humour lacing his voice. The rest of the Hyungs besides Sungmin wandered back into their rooms grumbling under their breaths while I was still attempting to control my laughter.

Finally, after I had stopped laughing I sat up back on my chair, my eyes wet from tears of laughter.

Sungmin just looked at me with an unreadable expression adorning his face, “I shouldn’t have asked, it was rude,” He said, sounding apologetic. 

I shook my head, feeling elated because of my previous laughter, “It’s okay. I’m just – we’re just really, really not gay.”

Sungmin still gave me a look that said ‘I don’t believe you but I’ll pretend I do.’

“No, really,” I giggled.

He gave me one last look and shrugged, “Whatever you say.”

I snorted, the previous laughter still hanging on the tip of my tongue, “Go to bed.”


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning Sungmin looked better than he had the night before. I wished I could say the same about the rest of the Hyungs. They all looked tired since I had woken them up with my laughter. I rubbed the back of my neck and grinned when they gave me annoyed glares. Ryeowook called us out to the kitchen to eat and we all shuffled dutifully into the kitchen, still half asleep. I sighed as I didn’t feel hungry and most definitely wasn’t going to eat. Everyone picked up their plates but I stood back so I could wait for everyone to leave and throw some of the food on my plate away so it seemed like I’d at least eaten something.

Ryeowook was the last to grab his plate and he glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, noticing my reluctance. “Aren’t you going to eat?” He questioned, motioning to my untouched plate lying there on the kitchen counter. I curled my lip a little in disgust at the thought of having to ingest any food when my stomach was telling me no. I bit my lip to control my facial expression.

“I’ll have some a bit later,” I lied, staring down at my fingernails which all of a sudden seemed to captivate my interest.

Ryeowook huffed a little at my attitude and placed his hands on his hands, looking ready to lecture me, “You have to eat. Especially since you were sick earlier, you'll need to eat even just a little bit to get your strength back.”

I shrugged a little still avoiding looking at him for more than a few seconds at a time, “I’m not a breakfast person.”

“Oh?” Ryeowook said, lilting his voice up at the end. “Since when did that happen? The Cho Kyuhyun I remember would’ve eaten breakfast without any hesitation,” He accused, stepping a little closer to me.

I tried to smile to reassure him somehow and looked up into his eyes for the first time.

“The hospital messed up my eating schedules,” I invented wildly, forcing myself to keep eye contact. I kept the smile plastered to my face and excused myself with a tip of my head and retreated from the room.

Ryeowook had been on my case for not eating enough as he deemed fit so I thought it was in my best interest to just avoid him where ever food was going to be involved. I slunk into my bedroom soundlessly and grabbed my bag from under my bed. I pulled out the crystalline substance and observed it without any intent of take it. I measured up the amount in my head and realised I was going to have to skip on taking it for about another four days if I wanted it to last. I sighed a little in annoyance, wishing that I had bought just a little more, but my judgement hadn’t always been so sound when it was three o'clock in the morning and I was left freezing on some old acquaintances doorstep.

I stashed it back into my bag, hiding it before anyone else walked in. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the next few days to come.

 

It was on the third day when I noticed a change in my body. 

I woke up abruptly in a cold sweat, panting hard. I rubbed my forehead with the back of my hand, wiping away the beads of sweat that clung to my brow. I forced myself to breathe and attempted to calm my thumping heart that felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. I leaned back gingerly against the wall and pulled my knees up to my chin and tried to figure out what was going on. If I did have a nightmare, I didn’t remember it – but something in the back of my mind told me that it had nothing to do with the state of my dreams.

I groaned a little at the sick feeling that played around in my stomach, making me feel like I wanted to throw up the empty contents of my stomach. I groaned and stood up, stretching my aching back muscles and stumbled my way through the darkness to the bathroom that was adjoined to our room. I began to heave on dry air while I was still on my journey to the bathroom, but in the end it didn’t matter if I was in the bathroom or not seeing as my stomach was empty.

I lay on the floor and placed my cheek against the floor, relishing the feeling of the cool tiles against my warm skin and begun to relax. Just as I thought I was feeling better, another round of nausea hit me hard.

I leaned my head of the toilet and retched up tiny amounts of stomach acid. I gripped at the sides of the toilet, my fingers turning white from the pressure and continued heaving, feeling small tears prick at the corners of my eyes from exhaustion. I felt something warm and soothing on my back but otherwise I was oblivious to the world around me.

I felt dizzy, sick and ready to pass out any second.

 

I ended up slipping in and out of consciousness finding myself in all sorts of awkward positions when I awoke. After the fourth time I had woken up, I began to get my bearings back and was returning to a semi-alert state. I began to sit up jumped when I realised I wasn’t alone in the bathroom. I felt the hand on the back and turned to get a glimpse of who it was. I spotted Ryeowook’s concerned face from the corner of my eye. He had a pitiful expression on his face and worry lines were creasing his forehead.

“…Hi,” I choked out in a weak voice, my throat raw and sore from the retching.

Ryeowook moved so he was in front of me and took my head in his hands, moving my head around to inspect me from different angles to determine the extent of damage. “Are you feeling a bit better?” He questioned, placing one hand on my forehead and the other on his. He nodded a little to himself and took his hands away, placing them on my shoulders now.

I breathed in a long and deep breath, “Yeah, much better now.”

Ryeowook made a move to stand up but I instinctively grabbed his wrist, preventing him from moving away. He patted my shoulder, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

He came back with a glass of cold water on his hand and handed it to me. I gulped the drink down, managing to finish half of it before my stomach complained again. I handed him the half empty cup and he placed it on the counter beside him.

“What time is it?” I asked with curiosity in my croaky voice, noting that it was still pitch black outside.

Ryeowook lifted his long sleeve and peered down at his illuminated watch, “About… four in the morning.”

“Sorry about waking you up,” I muttered, still not having the energy to stand.

He just squeezed my shoulder and helped me stand up. I felt so grateful for Ryeowook right at that moment. Sleep as an idol was precious since we didn’t tend to get much of it and for him to sacrifice his precious time to help me made me feel so grateful to him.

“You’re a great friend,” I whispered to him as he slung my arm around his shoulder and guided me to my bed.

He snorted a little, “I know.”

I hit the bed and before I knew it I was unconscious again.

 

When I awoke to the alarm clock indicating the start of our day, I didn’t feel quite as bad as I did before, but I still didn’t feel on top of the world. I wondered if I had caught a cold. Leeteuk shifted a little in his bed to the left at the sound and Ryeowook was already out of bed, cooking breakfast if the smell was anything to go by. I stood up, albeit shaking, and turned the alarm clock off. Seeing that Leeteuk still hadn’t moved, I kicked him with my foot.

“Wake up.”

He grunted and I pulled off his blankets in one swift motion, not in the mood to coax him up. I turned on my heel and left the room leaving Leeteuk to wake himself up today. I stumbled into the kitchen and rubbed my face with my hand trying to get myself to wake up. I noticed Ryeowook in the corner of the kitchen still working hard on breakfast but he didn’t seem to see me. Not wanting to disturb him, I grabbed a glass from the drying rack next to the sink and filled it with water. I momentarily noticed that my hand felt a little strange but I didn’t take any notice of it as I pulled the glass of water up to my face ready to take a sip.

Before the drink reached my lips though, it slipped from my hand and smashed onto the ground with a loud crash. I saw Ryeowook jump and drop something, startled at the loud noise behind him. He took in me and the broken glass on the floor and tutted.

“Stay there I’ll get the broom,” He ordered me, leaving the room but being careful to avoid the broken glass on the floor.

When he left I looked down at my hand and saw that it was sweaty and shaking all over the place. I grabbed my wrist in an attempt to control the shaking but it wouldn’t stop. I began to feel a deep itch on my back that made my spine crawl. I tried to scratch away the feeling but it still lingered there. It felt like it was inside of my skin and no amount of scratching made the feeling ease up. Now that I was awake my brain was beginning to register what was going on with my body. It was uncomfortable and I just wanted it to stop. Ryeowook came back into the kitchen with two pairs of slippers in his hands, placing his own on before handing me the other pair. Ryeowook shooed me out of the kitchen, not before asking if I was okay from last night. I told him I was fine and that the cup was just slippery. 

I felt a pressure push at me from all sides of my body and I was beginning to feel immensely uncomfortable. I felt like something was crushing me from every side, tugging and pulling at me seeking for some kind of relief. All my muscles felt tense and irritated. 

The worst feeling of all had to have been the itching. It crawled underneath my skin, ticking and teasing at my body, lingering. I felt like slapping my back against the wall just to calm it down but I rationalised in my head that it wouldn’t work anyway. I felt an odd urge to scream and hit everything in sight to relieve some of the odd feelings I was receiving. In the end, I settled for pulling at the roots of my hair in an attempt to distract myself.

I found my way back to my bed and lay under the covers, needing some time to think, and I found myself unable to stay still. I writhed around in my bed, tensing each of my muscles and rubbing my skin against the soft covers. I took a deep breath and began to try to understand what I was feeling. I noted all the things in my head that had happened – waking up in the middle of the night, the vomiting, the itching, the shaking…

Something in the back of my head clicked and the thought was brought the forefront of my mind before I could stop it. Was I suffering from withdrawal?

It would make sense. I hadn’t had any speed in almost four days and I registered the signs from movies and the like. Before I could trick myself into believing I was in withdrawal, I snorted, realising how silly that theory was. I wasn’t an addict. I couldn’t be. It just didn’t make sense. Sure, I took some every now and then but something like that wouldn’t happen to me. I had everything under control, after all. I rationalised that I must’ve indeed caught a cold and was suffering from the drawbacks of vomiting. I scoffed a little at my earlier assumption. I always did have a tendency to think something was much more dramatic than it was in reality.

Just to be safe, though, I took a little speed into the bathroom and sniffed it. It was the day I was scheduled to take it anyway. Me feeling sick wasn’t going to help anyone. I felt a sweet relief hit me moments after snorting the substance and the itch and pressure that pulled at me from all sides subsided. I felt relaxed and content.

A small thought was bubbling in the back of my brain, like a virus, starting small but growing until it infected me. The word addict was bouncing around throughout my head and I tried to quash it before it had a chance to grow.

I wasn’t – and never would be an addict.


	9. Chapter 9

I pulled a large black hoodie over my head and tugged a loose pair of gray sweatpants on in an attempt to hide my obvious weight loss. We had a photo shoot for our teaser pictures and album cover today so I did my best to cover up my thinning body and just prayed that the stylists and photographers wouldn’t get too much of a shock once they saw my thinning body. There were also many paparazzi to be expected at the entrance wanting to take our pictures in hope of getting a revealing picture of our new image so it was important that I had myself. I admired myself in the mirror sighing in relief when I saw my clothing choices hid my body well giving me the illusion I was still at my previous weight.

I’d decided not to take any speed today since I needed my eyes to be normal looking and not bloodshot and glassy. I couldn't show up at a photo shoot looking high. After checking myself out, I headed to the car with the rest of the group members and we made our way to the photo shoot.

As expected, there were many reporters and photographers waiting for us when we arrived at out location. We each slipped on either a beanie or a hat to hide out newest hair styles and made our way through the hoard of people crowding outside. We were all handed our first clothing item for the shoot and began to change in the dressing room. I self consciously tugged my hoodie off, facing away from the members to hide my somewhat noticeable ribs. I pulled my shirt and pants on with haste and turned back around, hyper aware of the eyes of some of the members that were trained on me. I flushed and looked at the ground waiting for everyone to finish before we could go get our make up done.

The stylist that was doing my make up made a ‘tsking’ noise under her breath.

“That’s strange… I could’ve sworn we ordered the right size,” She said, biting her lip as she looked at my clothes. I had a black skin tight v-neck vest that was showing the beginnings of my chest and brought attention to my thin body.

“I’ve been having stomach issues so I’ve lost a bit of weight,” I offered lamely.

She sighed a little, “It’ll have to do.”

 

The first shoot we were doing was a group shot of all of us. Halfway through the shoot, the PD tapped the camera mans shoulder and whispered into his ear. The camera man nodded and set his camera down. I exchanged glances with Donghae and Eunhyuk who were standing on either side of me.

“Cho Kyuhyun,” the PD called.

I looked up at him in surprise, wondering why he was singling me out.

“I want you to move backwards a bit so that Eunhyuk and Donghae are standing in front. We need you in the background,” he said in a dismissive voice.

I felt a little stab of pain in my chest, “Why?”

The PD put his hands on his shoulders and guided me to where he wanted me to go, “You’re too thin. The concept of this photo shoot is to show your manly and strong side. Besides, there’s only so much photo shop can do.”

I felt my face flush and I looked at the ground in embarrassment. There was an awkward heaviness in the air as the PD walked back and the camera man began taking photos again. I did my best to hide my figure as the PD instructed but the hot feeling of shame never left me. I was causing trouble for everyone. No matter what I did, somehow I’d end up inconveniencing everyone around me. I fought back the tears that were threatening to fall from my eyes – the tears I had held back ever since the accident. I refused to let myself seem weak over something as trivial as the PD’s orders.

 

Our individual photo shoots came up and the director made me stand in such an angle that none of my ribs were showing and that it still made me look somewhat in shape. I tried my best to do well for the photo shoot but my expressions were coming out stiff and I couldn’t relax and get into the job. I felt like a complete failure, I was screwing things up for people again and I wasn’t getting anything right. The camera man kept barking orders at me, telling me to do it better and to stop being so awkward. He just sighed and let me go - we still had other photo shoots to attend so it wouldn’t be the last chance we’d have to take photos. 

I kept my head down as I made my way to the dressing room where a few of the members were messing around in. I entered as silently as I could, keeping my head down, and sat in a couch that was huddled in the corner of the room. I put my elbows on my knees and dropped my head listlessly onto my hands.

Why was I such a failure?

 

After the photo shoot was finished, we all made our way to the car, in good spirits now that we had that out of the way. I, however, wasn’t feeling the good cheer that everyone else seemed to be feeling. I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s good mood though, so I acted like I was part of the conversation and laughed at the appropriate places.

I took the car that had a fewer of the quieter members in, hoping to blend in there. I was thankful that Kibum, Hankyung and Heechul were taking another car seeing as how they lived in a different building – I didn’t think I could cope with Heechul’s loud sarcastic voice right now.

I followed Donghae, Sungmin, Donghae and Siwon into the can and crawled to the back. Sungmin took a seat beside me and began chatting with Donghae who was sitting just in front of us. I sighed in relief and closed my eyes, leaning back into the car seat. A few minutes into the drive when everyone had slowed their conversations to a few passing words, I felt someone poke my arm. 

I half opened my left eye to see Sungmin looking up at me in concern, “Are you okay? You look kind of… off.”

I hummed and nodded, “Fine.”

Sungmin rested a hand on my leg in some form of comfort, “That was out of line for the PD to be so rude.”

I stayed silent, not in the mood for talking about this right at the moment.

“I hate to admit it,” Sungmin started then paused for a moment, “But I think he’s right.”

I let out a sharp breath out of my nose, trying to keep my cool. “About what?”

He removed the hand from my leg and wrapped it around my upper arm, “You’re too skinny. I can almost fit my hand around your arm.” 

He squeezed at my arm trying to emphasize his point. “I’ve been having stomach issues. I can’t keep my food down.” I clipped, trying to put an end to the matter.

He sighed a little, “I wish you would take better care of yourself… Go to a doctor and get it checked out.”

I nodded in compliance and turned my head away signalling the end of the conversation. Why couldn’t people ever leave me alone when I just wanted to be by myself? I guess that was one of the downsides of being in a thirteen member group. I kept to myself as much as I could when I entered the dorm and lay down on my bed, eager to fall asleep even though it was still just late afternoon.

I was emotionally and physically drained and just wanted to be by myself.


	10. Chapter 10

I stretched my arms, waking up from another uneventful night of not sleeping. I stumbled into the kitchen, still half asleep, forming another excuse in my head as to why I wouldn’t be eating today. Ryeowook served up the breakfast for us all and everyone picked up their own plates, leaving to sit at the dining table. I wasn’t feeling hungry, again, so I hung back behind everyone hoping to be able to throw at least a little of my food away now so it would seem like I’d eaten something.

However, I had no such luck.

Ryeowook apparently was also intending on hanging back again today, giving me a blatant, sharp stare.

“Eating today?” He questioned, not letting up on his suspicious stare.

I looked to the side to avoid eye contact and shuffled towards my food. I had to be more careful about what I did now that Ryeowook was keeping a sharp eye on me. I picked up my plate unenthusiastically and walked straight to the dining room without even sparing Ryeowook a single glance. I sat in the corner of the dining table, trying my hardest not to be noticed. Ryeowook walked into the dining room moments after I did and, to my dismay, took a seat right next to mine. I sighed knowing I was going to have to eat today unless I wanted endless lectures from Ryeowook.

I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of eating when I wasn’t hungry at all. Having to eat was like going to a restaurant and eating until you’re full then having someone tell you that you need to eat another full plate of food that you didn’t like. 

It was so unappetizing.

I played around with my food trying to give the illusion that I was eating something but Ryeowook wasn’t fooled at all. 

“Eat,” he commanded.

I sighed and lifted some rice to my mouth forcing myself to chew, trying to block out the thought that I was using the muscles around my jaw and eating something. Eating either when I was high or even a few days after just felt horrible, it made me want to throw up when I thought of it. I kept shoving food into my mouth in displeasure. Ryeowook was watching me from the corner of his eye checking every now and then to see if I was actually eating enough or not. I had eaten maybe a quarter of my plate before I placed my chopsticks down. I already felt like I had eaten so much and my stomach was protesting at the amount of food I was forcing down when it was used to getting much less than this.

Ryeowook picked up my chopsticks and grabbed my hand, placing them in my hand without saying a word – but the message was clear.

More.

I sighed in frustration and rested my head on my left arm, continuing to play with my food and every now and then placing some vegetables in my mouth. It was unpleasant, to say the least.

I managed about half of my plate before I gave up. I gave Ryeowook a pleading look and he looked at me with displeasure, but nodded. I sighed in relief and picked up my plate, throwing the leftovers into the bin. I walked into the bathroom adjacent to Ryeowook’s, Leeteuk’s and my bedroom and sat on the floor near the toilet feeling like I was going to throw up. My stomach was rejecting the food that I had eaten and was making it obvious that it wanted it out.

I heaved little and moved my head to the toilet, getting ready to throw up the contents of my stomach. After I had thrown everything up that I had eaten, my stomach refused to calm down and I kept on letting out dry heaves. I felt awful. I was just glad that I had remembered to close the door before I went in so no one could hear me. Just as I thought I was in the clear and that no one knew what had happened, the door burst open revealing a worried looking Ryeowook.

When he took in my state he rushed over to me and began to pat soothing circles into my back. I felt better so I flushed the toilet and got up, ready to brush my teeth clean to get rid of the putrid feel of stomach acid in my mouth. I turned around to tell Ryeowook that I was okay, but the expression on his face stopped me in my tracks. His face was hardened with a little bit of disbelief leaking into his controlled expression. I felt my stomach sink, did he know? We spent a few moments just staring each other down, my face contorting in worry. He broke the eye contact and handed me my toothbrush and toothpaste.

“Why did you throw up again?” He questioned before I could put the toothbrush in my mouth.

I shrugged trying to play it casual, “I think I have a stomach bug, my stomach hurt last night, too. It’s been going around…”

“Really?” He questioned piercingly, his eyes boring into mine. “I don’t recall knowing anyone who’s had it lately.”

I shrugged again, “There’s just a few people.”

Ryeowook put his hands on his hips, “You know what I think, Kyuhyun? I think that’s a complete and utter lie.”

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat from nervousness.

He waited for me to say something back, but when I didn’t reply he started again. “I’ve told you before but do you think that I haven’t noticed that you haven’t been eating well for weeks, maybe even months? At first, I really thought you might’ve just had a cold and had lost your appetite, but then it wasn’t just now and then anymore, it was almost every day you weren’t eating. Then the other night I caught you throwing up in the bathroom.”

He continued to stare at me, as if willing me to come to my defence, or to tell him that he was wrong and everything was just a misunderstanding. But I just couldn’t open my mouth to respond, it felt like there was an adhesive holding my lips together.

“You play around with your food, you avoid meals, and you’re always exercising and moving around. Even when you do eat, you throw it back up. What do you expect that I’m going to think?”

I looked at the floor, trying to hold a small smile from showing. He had come to the wrong conclusion. He didn’t know.

I seemed to be creating a lot of misunderstandings these days, but I suppose that it would be hard to come to the conclusion of what I was doing. I was an idol, after all, and incidents like these were almost non-existent. Before I could feel too relieved that Ryeowook hadn’t found out, I still had to deal with the fact he thought I had some sort of eating disorder. I willed away my smile and looked back up to his face, now showing concern and worry.

“It’s not like that,” I protested, “Honestly I just haven’t had an appetite and haven’t been able to keep it down. As for the exercising, well I need to be fit for the new album otherwise I’m going to have difficulties with keeping up, especially since my body’s so out of shape since the accident.”

“Don’t lie,” Ryeowook said desperately, his voice cracking.

Oh god, what was I going to do now?

“I’m not lying,” I declared, putting my hand on his shoulder. “Look at my eyes, I’m not trying to diet or keep thin.”

Ryeowook searched my eyes but his expression didn’t soften. Apparently he thought I was still lying. “Prove it to me, eat a whole plate of food then I’ll believe you,” He demanded in a way much unlike his usual gentle manner.

My reassuring smile I had plastered on faltered. I didn’t think I could even eat that much without throwing it back up since my stomach was used to being empty these days.

Ryeowook saw my smile falter, “See? You can’t do it.”

“No just, maybe next week. I’m still sick,” I tried to back track.

Ryeowook grabbed my wrist and dragged me away from the bathroom and into the kitchen.

“Stay here,” He ordered. Kangin, Shindong, Sungmin and Eunkyuk we’re still hanging around talking and gave us both strange looks. I avoided their curious gazes and tried to see what Ryeowook was doing.

He was rummaging through the cupboard looking kind of scary. He pulled out an unmarked tin and walked towards me. Upon opening the lid, the smell of chocolate biscuits assaulted my nose. I felt sick to my stomach.

“If you can eat one of these I’ll believe you.”

I looked around at my Hyung’s staring at us in curiosity, “Can’t we do this somewhere else?” I begged.

Ryeowook lowered his voice but didn’t budge. “Eat one in front of me, now. Then no rushing off to the bathroom to throw it up,” Ryeowook instructed, starting at my firmly.

The drugs had completely taken away my appetite and I didn’t even think I could take a bite of one of these without throwing up. The acidic taste in my mouth from throwing up earlier didn’t help things, either.

“I can’t,” I whispered in defeat. “I’ll throw up.”

“Is it that hard just to not throw it up?” Ryeowook sighed, apparently thinking that I meant I would purposely throw it up when I ate it.

“Hyung,” I pleaded again, moving away from the tin in disgust. “Honestly that’s not what it is!”

Ryeowook dropped the tin on the counter with a bang then took me by the shoulders, “If that’s not it, then what is it?”

I couldn’t answer, I just couldn’t tell him the truth. 

It was too shameful.

He grabbed a biscuit and held it in front of my face. I didn’t know why he was being so cruel to me, I already told him I just couldn’t. I moved backwards and bumped into a wall. I lost all my energy and slid down the wall in exasperation. I grabbed my hair with my fists and looked to the floor in shame and anger. The members that were sitting in the lounge and observing chose that moment to walk into the kitchen to see what was going on. Before they could even say anything, Ryeowook spoke in a cold voice without any honorifics. “Get out.”

They all froze in place for a minute, their jaws hanging open at Ryeowook’s blatant rudeness but backed out, sensing the serious atmosphere around us. Kangin opened his mouth to say something but Sungmin covered his mouth and pulled him out. Ryeowook sat beside me. He placed a hand on my back, “talk to me.”

I felt my resolve to keep quiet break, and I began talking about my so called ‘eating disorder.’

“There’s so much pressure to be perfect, everyone’s relying on me to do my best but I just keep doing things wrong again and again. I try keep up with everyone else but my body’s like this… I need to keep up somehow. I just need to be able to show that I can do something. Even if I’m damaging my body, I need to do this for the team. Otherwise everything would just fall apart.”

I spent the next half an hour just pouring out my anxiety’s and issues to Ryeowook, switching anything that had to do with drugs to an eating disorder. At least I could talk about that more with more ease than I could talk about using. Ryeowook listened, taking in everything I said. Before I even knew it, there were tears in my eyes. I felt relieved, sad and tired all at the same time. It was like a weight had been lifted off my chest and I could breathe again. I realised that Ryeowook wasn’t trying to be harsh, he was just trying to get me to realise that something was wrong.

He was just trying to take care of me the whole time.

I put my head on Ryeowook’s shoulder, “Thank you... for everything.”


	11. Chapter 11

This was the first time I questioned taking the drugs. Other times I had half-heartedly though about not taking them, but this morning it was different. After the talk last night with Ryeowook I had realised that something was bothering me. I realised maybe this wasn’t the best way to deal with things. On the other hand, nothing else increased my performance and concentration as well as the drug did.

It came down to performance over health.

I sighed as I lined up some of the drug, right now my performance was more important than my health. I sniffed it in the bathroom than retreated back into the bedroom to get ready for a gruelling day of promotions. Today the team was supposed to hold a small concert on stage singing their debut songs to promote their new songs coming out in the second album. Any second thoughts I had about taking the drug dissipated as I noticed how well I performed during the concert. I knew that without taking anything my performance would’ve been sloppy and unorganised. There was just a mere two weeks until we debuted so I figured that just for that time, I had to do anything to make things better.

In between concerts, rehearsals, promotions, talk shows, among other things, the days passed by and before I knew it, there were two days left until our comeback. The comeback we had spent months preparing for. An unwelcomed anxiety bubbled at the bottom of my stomach.

This would be one of the last whole day full rehearsals we would have before we went on stage. There was a tense atmosphere among the members as we all danced and sung, everyone under an intense pressure not to mess anything up. I had a pick me up line before we began the rehearsals to make sure that everything would run without mistakes. I’d have to take some more tomorrow and the next day to ensure that my energy levels would be running high.

It was more than I’d usually take but I argued to myself that this was a special occasion. I was quitting after our comeback stage, after all. There was no need to be worried about doing a bit more just before I was going to stop.

 

We were in our last hour of practice before everything started to go horribly wrong. We we’re in the middle of dancing Don’t Don when I began to feel a minor headache come on.

I was intent on ignoring it but then it began to get more and more intense, my head felt like it was about to split in half. I put my head in my hands but I felt something warm and sticky cover my finger as I did so. I looked down and saw blood covering my hands, dripping down at an alarming rate.

I begun to panic and my vision began to blur out, blinding whiteness replacing the practice room. Everything around me went quiet and was replaced by a ringing noise that sounded in my ears, confusing me. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, everything seemed out of place and wrong. I almost didn't register my legs connecting with the floor and it took every inch of my concentration to not fall over. In the back of my brain something told me that I was in shock.

I felt something like hands hold onto me before I blacked out.

 

When I regained consciousness I was staring at the ceiling that was obscured by several worried looking faces.

Their mouths moved but I couldn’t hear anything they were saying. My ears felt like they had been blocked up. Everything began to make sense to me. I had fainted. I could still make out the metallic smell of blood that hung in the air and could still feel the warm substance on my hands. I concluded that since it was still warm that not much time had passed since I passed out. My ears began to unblock themselves and I could faintly hear voices that were getting louder as time passed. I tried sitting up but my vision began to blur out again so I lay back down. I heard several people call my name, trying to catch my attention.

“Shut up, you’re noisy,” I grumbled.

I heard a few sighs of relief in the background. I sat up again but this time making sure to pace my actions so I wouldn’t pass out again. Hands from every direction supported me as I sat up, making me smile in contentment. It felt nice having 12 older brothers to help you. I wiped my eyes, trying to get the last of the bleariness in my vision when I heard a small gasp.

“Kyuhyun… you’re bleeding,” Sungmin fretted grabbing my hands and looking for an open wound.

I just rolled my eyes and spoke in a mocking tone, “Fantastic deduction,” I pointed to my nose to explain, “nosebleed. How long have I been out for?”

“Not long,” Leeteuk answered me, “Only about half a minute.”

I grunted in response and moved to stand up, I wanted to wash my hands and face and I wanted to be alone for a minute. Not that it wasn’t nice having other people look after you, but I needed a moment to sort out my thoughts. As soon as I was on my feet I began to walk to the bathroom.

I felt a hand grab me and I looked back to see Sungmin biting his lip and looking at me with worried eyes, “Shouldn’t I go with you?”

I laughed a little, trying to ease his tension and shook off this hand on my shoulder, “I’ll be two minutes.” Seeing his still unhappy expression I added, “I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

He didn’t seem happy but he let me go and I exited the practice room as quickly as I could without garnering suspicion.

 

I hurried down the hall into the bathroom and I closed the bathroom door behind me. That’s when the shaking started.

What the fuck was that? I was shaking because I was scared.

Scared for my health, scared of the drugs, scared of the comeback, scared of the people around me. I was frightened. Horribly, horribly frightened. I moved to the faucet but my shaking didn’t stop. The fear consumed me, ate me alive and latched onto me, not letting go. I turned the faucet on full blast and held my hands under the water that pounded my hands mercilessly under the taps.

What the fuck was I doing?

Why was I doing this?

I was playing this sick game with myself. How long can I last before everything goes to hell? How long can poor Kyuhyun abuse and torture himself before he breaks. Before he becomes a blubbering mess that the world is ashamed to see and give home to. Before Kyuhyun snaps. I turned off the running water, snapping the faucet shut with a loud clack that echoed eerily throughout the bathroom walls. My hands were clean, but I wasn’t. I was dirty, so inconceivably dirty. I ripped my shoe off and stared the small packet that I had hidden in there for emergencies. I stared at it, willing it to burst into flames for all the horrible things it had done to me. This little thing was responsible for making me snap.

I pulled the packet from my shoe and stared at it.

I just stared, thinking of all the trouble this tiny thing had caused me. Something that was so small, yet brought me to my knees. Frustrated, I threw the packet onto the floor and stepped on it in anger, satisfied by the crunching sounds it created beneath my foot. I hated this so, so much.

Why did I do this to myself?

I grasped the packet off of the floor and ripped it, tipping the contents into the sink. In the bottom of my stomach I felt a hint of remorse for throwing it away, but it needed to be done.

I could do this.

All the emotions that were running through my head made me feel dizzy and sick. I couldn’t be in this room anymore, the white sterile walls surrounded me, as if taunting me about the fact that they were clean and I wasn’t. I was dirty, defiled and disgusting. I banged open the bathroom door, sweat beading on my forehead as my paranoia consumed me, surrounded me and thrived off my very being.

“Kyuhyun, are you okay?” I heard a voice that I identified as Leeteuk’s ask in worry.

I looked up and saw him standing a few meters away with a concerned expression adorning his beautiful, clean and innocent face. Using all my energy, I made my way towards him.

I walked with my head down, my shaking hand gripping each other behind my back. I stumbled and fell into Leeteuk, grappling the front of his shirt like it was my lifeline. The thing I could rely on to keep my heart beating, to keep my sanity intact.

“Leeteuk Hyung,” I pleaded, looking into his confused eyes. “Please… please just tell me to stop.” My words came out as gasps through my shaky breaths.

Leeteuk put his hands on my shoulders his words almost oozing with worry, “Stop what?”

I gripped my hands tighter into his shirt, crumpling the sweaty material into a ball.

“Tell me to stop it… tell me it’ll be okay,” I begged, looking down to the floor as I felt my eyes water in tears of desperation.

I needed someone to tell me everything would be okay. I needed someone to tell me I was okay. Leeteuk let go of my shoulders and pulled me into a tight hug with my hands still stuck to his chest, confused. “I don’t know what’s going on so I can’t tell you it’ll be okay,” He whispered into my ear and I felt my throat constricting in desperation. “But,” he continued after a short pause, “I’ll be there for you, I can help you make everything okay.”

I let myself go. I cried, hit his chest with my fist and wailed nonsensical words into the air.

Right then though, I didn’t care. I didn’t care about my image, about what the man ‘Cho Kyuhyun’ was supposed to be. I was just there, living my insecurities and pain and laying it out for Leeteuk to see.

I was alive, and that’s all that mattered right now.


	12. Chapter 12

My sobs began to die down and I pulled away from Leeteuk’s chest, noticing the wet patch that stained the front of his shirt. I wiped my nose on my sleeve and shuffled my feet, feeling the embarrassment catch up to me. I glanced up through my fringe and saw Leeteuk looking down at me with a reassuring smile. Leeteuk held on my wrist and pulled me towards the wall and sat on the floor leaning against the wall, motioning for me to do the same. When I followed suit, Leeteuk put a hand on my knee. I knew this was coming but I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

“I know there’s something wrong – you know that something’s wrong. Can you talk to me about it?” He asked, pleading a little bit.

I just sighed and looked away from him trying to let him get the message that I wasn’t going to talk. After I had broken down, the reality of what I had done hit me like a tonne of bricks. I’d let myself be vulnerable. I’d almost confessed to him about what I was doing. I felt an irrational wave of anger pass over me. I doubt he even cares for me. I bet he enjoyed seeing me so upset and broken down, he was just glad that he didn’t look like this. 

He wasn’t trying to help me, just pity me. I could almost feel him looking down on me, thinking how pathetic I am. I pressed my lips together and decided that I wasn’t going to tell him anything. I just had to endure it for a little longer.

“Sungmin and Ryeowook are worried,” He tried again, trying to elicit some sort of response out of me.

It worked. I turned my head to face him feeling a bit of frustration and anger well up in the bottom of my stomach. Who said they had the right to talk about me when I wasn’t there? 

“What did they say?” I asked with trepidation.

Leeteuk stopped looking at me and instead directed his gaze in front of him, focusing on nothing in particular. “Sungmin said you were… erratic. One minute you’re happy the next you look like someone’s just died. I have to agree with him.”

“Ryeowook?” I asked, feeling much more apprehension about what he had told Leeteuk.

“Ryeowook… he told me you were having a hard time and asked me to look over you. Not that I haven’t been. When we were changing for the photo shoot I could practically see every bone in your spine. I’m worried, Kyu.”

I gripped my hands together so hard that they turned white, “Is this an intervention?”

Leeteuk half smiled but I couldn’t detect any humour in the smile, “I suppose you could call it that.”

I slammed my fist down onto the tile floor, “They had no right to tell you anything!”

Leeteuk scoffed a little, “No right? Kyuhyun, you’re practically wasting away! They’re worried about you and want to help you.”

I stood up wanting to end this conversation as fast as possible, “They’re talking on baseless grounds. There’s nothing wrong with me!” I practically hissed the last bit.

“One look at you and anyone could tell they’re not talking on baseless grounds. Have you seen yourself lately?” Leeteuk said, now getting a little desperate when he saw my eagerness to leave. “I’m your leader, I need to know these things. You’re letting your pride get in the way of your health.”

I looked at him with cold eyes. That was it, he was my leader and nothing else. He didn’t care about me, he cared about the team. We were the same – putting the team before personal needs. I understood that and that’s why I knew this was more about how this was going to affect our publicity rather than my personal health.

“That’s right, you’re just my leader. That’s all,” I ground out and begun to walk back to the practice room.

“You’re my precious Dongsaeng and my friend,” Leeteuk called after me.

I ignored what he was saying and kept walking. So what if I had just broken down to him? It could’ve been anyone. I’m sure if Sungmin was there I would’ve cried to him instead. I felt resentment fill me when I thought of Ryeowook and Sungmin. They could’ve at least tried talking to me before they decided to go tell Leeteuk things he didn’t need to know.

I was sure that my face was contorted horribly in anger, but I didn’t even bother trying to fix my expression before I walked back into the practice room - and if anyone noticed it, they didn’t say anything.

 

I kicked my shoes off at the door, happy to be home. My muscles ached and I wanted nothing more than to take a shower and jump into my warm bed and sleep.

Fortunately, Leeteuk decided spend his time in the lounge room. Unfortunately, Ryeowook and Sungmin apparently decided they were going to hang out together and followed me into our bedroom. I was giving them the cold shoulder since I was still angry them both for talking about me behind my back to Leeteuk.

What did they take me for? Some poor soul that needs saving?

They just wanted to help me so they could feel better about themselves when I was all cured and healthy again. I went to the bathroom and ripped of my shirt, preparing to take a shower. I walked back into our shared room to grab a clean towel from the dressing cupboard, not thinking about the fact I was shirtless and my body was on show. I heard a faint gasp come from behind me but I ignored it, all of a sudden remembering that coming out here without a shirt on wasn’t the best idea when they were both already suspicious of me. I kept my head down and shielded my body from view as best as I could, retreating into the shower at an inhuman speed, slamming the door behind me.

I felt my heart race and had a sudden urge to beat myself up for being so careless.

I moved towards the mirror and looked at myself for the first time in what felt like forever. I winced as I saw my emancipated form. I didn’t look good. In fact, I looked horrible. Leeteuk-Hyung knew it, the members knew it, the company knew it, hell even I knew it. Months of not eating well had a terrible effect on me. I ran a finger over my healed scars and was reminded of this accident. The cause of all this. I turned around not wanting to see more and stepped into the shower, letting the how water rinse over me and calm me down.

I just sat in there for a long time, not washing up but just relishing in the warmth the shower provided. The steady beat of water pounding against my back was relaxing, and I felt a lot of the tension that had built up today leave my body. By the time I had gotten out, I was in a somewhat good mood. I didn’t even feel mad at anyone anymore. I wrapped the largest towel I could find around the entirety of my body, making sure that nothing revealing was showing and stepped out into the room. Sungmin was sitting on Ryeowook’s bed, using his laptop and looked up at me as I entered the room to get new clothes.

He turned his head away and I felt grateful that he was at least respecting my privacy. I threw the damp towel on the floor and dressed. After my relaxing shower, I was in the mood to chat so I walked over to where Sungmin was lying and I kicked his side, indicating for him to move so I could lie next to him.

“What are you looking at?” I asked while lying down on my stomach and getting comfortable.

“They released the teaser pictures the other day,” He said, his words muffled by his hand he was leaning on squishing his face, “I’m reading the comments.”

He scrolled through the comments, reading from the innocent, ‘Sungmin Oppa is so handsome!’ to the somewhat disturbing, ‘I want him in my tutu.’ Besides a few anti comments that Sungmin took in stride, the overall reaction towards his pictures was positive.

“Can you check mine?” I asked, curious as to how they ended up turning out. Sungmin complied and clicked on my teaser picture then scrolled down to the comments. My body was showing from my belly button up and half of my arms were hidden in the shadows. My V-neck still showed a bit of my weight loss, but overall I was impressed by how well they hid it. We read the comments and most of them were debating whether or not they liked my now blonde hair or not.

‘It suits him! He looks really handsome ^o^’

‘I want his black hair back!! What was his stylist thinking!?! -.-‘

‘I dont know if I like it… I guess itll grow on me later.’

‘Has Kyu-Oppa lost weight? Or is that just me…’ 

 

I felt my stomach drop when I read that comment. So they had noticed. There were a bunch of replies underneath that we’re all talking about my apparent weight loss.

 

‘Oppa you’re too skinny! I hope you’re eating well… they need to treat their idols better :\’

‘Guys i think its just the lighting dont freak out so much^^” .’

 

I felt my stomach clench, if my fans we’re freaking out so much about that picture where most of my weight loss was toned down, how were they going to react when I stepped on stage? Sungmin seemed to notice my distress and clicked onto another member’s photo, glancing at me and gauging my reaction from the corner of his eye. I bit my lip in an attempt to alleviate the worry I was feeling but it wasn’t helping in the slightest.

“They’re right you know…” he said, watching my expression. “You’re too skinny.”

There was a brief awkward silence between us.

“If you just ate once in a while-“

“Sungmin,” I warned in a low voice.

“Maybe you would put on some weight and-“

I was about to interrupt him, but Ryeowook did that for me.

“SUNGMIN!” He shouted a little louder than necessary. He covered his mouth and shuffled into the room. “Teukie-Hyung says he wants to talk to you.”

Sungmin just shrugged as stepped off the bed, sending me one last concerned look. I knew he meant well but his words stung me. Ryeowook sat upright on the bed and put his hand on my back.

“The response wasn’t good,” I muttered, motioning to the screen. “For me, I mean.”

“What were they saying?”

“Well apparently, news of the year, I’m too skinny,” I said sarcastically. “And my hair is too blonde.”

Ryeowook snorted at the last line, “Well I like it.”

We lapsed into a brief silence and Ryeowook drummed his fingers on my back while I just lay there feeling sorry for myself. Ryeowook seemed like he was dying to talk to me but just let me lay there, in silence. Our quiet moment was interrupted by a bang on the door.

“Yah what were you talking about Wookie-ah? He doesn’t need to see me,” Sungmin called through the door. Ryeowook smiled at me and I felt a loose laugh slip through my lips.

“Thanks, Ryeowook.”

At that moment, I felt like everything would be okay. If I had Wookie with me, then somehow he could protect me from everyone else. If I could just continue my days like this until our comeback then everything would turn out well in the end.

How wrong I was.


	13. Chapter 13

I fiddled with my hands, the nerves catching up to me. It was the night before our comeback and I was beginning to feel the pressure pile on. Despite my previous outburst that I would never touch the disgusting stuff again, I knew I would need it for tomorrow. There was no way I was going to have enough energy to get up early, sit through make up and hair than perform on stage. That wasn’t going to happen. I pre packed a little shoulder bag that I could hide the drugs in. I bought this bag for the purpose of hiding the drug, it had hidden compartments that were difficult to find unless you were looking and I doubted any of the members would try to dig through my bag.

Just in case though, I hid the packet in a tin of cinnamon mints that I knew for a fact no one liked enough to try take any from me even if they did find it. I prepared myself for bed and lay under the covers restlessly, waiting for sleep to overcome me.

 

I woke up feeling groggy, as usual, to the sound of my alarm. ‘5.15’.

I threw on the first clothes I saw, knowing that it didn’t matter what I wore down there since I would change pretty much straight away. It was still dark outside while I had a shower and cleaned myself up for being on stage. I walked into the kitchen to find the food already prepared for us. I wasn’t keen on eating, but I knew I had to keep my strength up so I decided to eat as much as I could. I sat down in the dining room, so far alone since the other members were still showering.

I made an effort to wake up earlier so I wouldn’t have to shower with the other members since that could raise awkward questions about my weight. When I was half-way through my bowl of rice, Ryeowook walked in, his hair still damp.

When he caught sight of me eating without him having to encourage me, his lips broke out into a big grin. He patted my shoulder and sat to the right of me, chewing on his food. I ended up finishing the bowl of rice and got through about half a bowl of soup before setting it down. I turned to Ryeowook to see if he approved of what I’d eaten. He’d do this every morning – decide whether I’d had enough food. He just smiled at me and nodded, looking much happier than he had in a while. I felt a surge of pride well in my chest knowing that I had caused someone to be that happy.

Making other’s happy always made me feel satisfied.

 

The whole atmosphere until we got to the venue was tense and heavy, nervousness almost literally fluttering throughout the air. Leeteuk attempted to lessen the tension by giving us encouraging speeches but the nervousness was eating away at all of us with every minute that passed by. We arrived at the venue much too soon for my liking and made our way into the building. We were led into our dressing room and straight away the stylist Noona’s attacked our faces with their make up brushes. My face was already feeling caked on, but this was just the first layer of make up.

The real makeup would be put on just before we had to go onto stage to make sure it was fresh and neat. While my hair was being worked on, I allowed myself to relax and began to think.

This was it.

We were going to perform what we had been practising for so long.

On stage, I wasn’t allowed to dance, I would just come in when it would be my singing part then I would leave. Apparently my body was too fragile and weak still to dance. I scoffed when people told me this, though. It didn’t stop me from practising long hours perfecting the moves even if it did hurt, even if my body complained and felt exhausted.

I hated it when people considered me to be some kind of fragile kid that everyone has to look after. I would prove them wrong. After this… it would be the end for me. People would see that I was strong and I wouldn’t have to take another line of that disgusting stuff after today. I could end this.

Finally…

 

I was grateful that I remembered to bring my laptop with me so I could play Starcraft. It served as a good time waster and a distraction from the nerves that were eating away at me. I wasn’t playing well and even lost one of my games because the slight shaking of my hands from nerves was making it difficult to play. After I had defeated my opponent, I glanced at the clock. It was 5:45 in the evening and we were due to go on stage at 7:00 at night.

I grabbed my bag and sneaked off to the bathrooms, praying that they were empty. I sighed in relief when I saw that I was alone and rushed into one of the stalls so I could get this over and done with before anyone came in. Slamming the door shut, I zipped open my bag at breakneck speeds and got everything prepared.

I listened for a moment, glancing under the stalls to make sure that no one was there. When I knew for a fact I was alone, I sniffed the speed up my nose. I leant back onto the bathroom door, letting my body slump for a moment when I got my hit. At that moment, all I could feel was pure pleasure radiating through my body. I sat there motionless for a few more moments before coming back to my senses. I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped the inside of my nose clean from the powder, making sure that no traces of evidence were left behind. I heard the door bang open and felt my stomach drop.

I rationalized that they didn’t know anything, how could they?

I threw the toilet paper into my bag and packed everything away, double checking to see if everything was hidden away. I unlocked the bathroom door and kept my head down, knowing that there was someone standing near the sinks checking themselves out. I washed my hands and moved to leave the room when I heard a familiar voice.

“Kyuhyun-ah.”

I robotically turned around to come face to face with the person that made my heart beat and my stomach sink even further. Leeteuk.

“Hyung…” I replied, looking everywhere but his face.

“You forgot to flush,” He said, watching me like a hawk. I could’ve hit myself with a hammer. How could I forget something so simple? Cho Kyuhyun screws up, AGAIN! What a surprise. I gave a nervous laugh, “Did I?”

He rolled his eyes and moved towards the bathroom stall which I previously occupied.

“Wait!” I said rashly, hyper aware of the worries that plagued me. Did I clean everything up? Was there any evidence left behind? Is it in my bag? Leeteuk gave me a questioning look.

“Uh, you don’t want to see,” I said, trying to sound convincing.

Leeteuk just sent me a patronizing glance, “I live in a dorm with nine other male members, I’m sure I can handle it.”

“N-No, it’s okay, look I’ll just do it,” I half whined out of desperation.

I rushed into the stall before he could process and pressed the flush button, my eyes darting everywhere to make sure there was nothing obvious left behind. I couldn’t see anything but I didn’t trust my eyes at the moment. I wasn’t sober and my senses probably weren’t all properly intact. I hopped out of the stall when I realised I’d spent too much time in there

“Done!” I said, trying to hide my obvious relief.

Leeteuk just stared at me strangely as if I’d grown another head. I gave him a small bow and rushed out of there as fast as my legs would take me. When I was out of his sight and down the hall, I gave a big shaky sigh of relief. These kinds of situations were taking a toll on me, whether it was Ryeowook, Leeteuk or Sungmin who tried to confront me.

I just wanted to be left alone.


	14. Chapter 14

By the time I got back to the waiting room, the clock read just past six.

The members who were there were getting their last layer of make up caked on. I bowed a little in apology to my stylist Noona but she just beckoned me over with a small huff. My mind began wandering again as my face was patted and made up but I was brought out of my musings when my stylist Noona spoke, “Stop moving your leg, its making you shake.”

I hadn’t even noticed my leg was bouncing. The pent up energy from my high was making my body go into over drive seeing as I was forced to sit here doing nothing while my make up was finished. I stopped my leg from bouncing by putting my hand on my knee and doing my best to stay still. It proved harder than I thought and two minutes later I was being told off again for the same thing. I had to concentrate hard on staying still when my eye make up was being applied and for the most part I was successful besides a few shakes here and there. The stylist Noona turned away from me for a moment to grab something from her bags, I felt my nose begin to drip.

I wiped at it but when the stylist turned back she tutted at me and handed me a tissue, lecturing me for smudging the make up because I had used my hand instead of a tissue. I bowed my head in apology again as she grumbled and got back to work, putting on the very last touches.

 

When I was allowed to stand up, I felt ten times better. I was able to put some of my energy to good use.

I made laps around the waiting room until some of the hyung’s told me to sit down because I was making them dizzy.

We were called up to line up behind the stage. I wouldn’t be coming out with everyone else so I felt an intense wave of anxiety when everyone else made their moves to go on stage. What if I came out at the wrong time? What if I forgot the lyrics? What if…?

I forced myself to calm down and listen to the song, waiting for Siwon to start singing so I could make my entrance. I could feel my heart beating at a hundred miles per hour and I wasn’t sure if it was from the nervousness, the drugs, or both. I heard Kibum finish his rap so I began to walk on the stage, knowing that Siwon’s part was after his. I did my best to walk out charismatically, and when the first fans spotted me they began screaming like crazy. I resisted the urge to smile with difficulty.

I stood behind Siwon, my palms sweaty with anticipation.

As Siwon finished his part, I stepped towards the deafening sounds of the crowd screaming my name. Hearing this made me happier than I had been in so long. Even though I was like this, they still cheered for me. I sung to the best of my ability, but at one point I was half a breath short and had to end my note early.

Before I knew it, my part was done and I was walking off stage while a trainee, Henry, was playing the violin. 

The rest of the day was like a blur. We watched our performance on a screen in our waiting room and all the members cheered for me when I came on. We all congratulated each other and went home to celebrate with drinks and food. I retreated to bed earlier than everyone when I realised I was on the comedown. I smiled to myself knowing this would be the last comedown I would ever have to experience. Everything was going to go back to normal. It was all over, finally. 

That’s what I thought, anyway. But these kinds of things always had a way of getting back to you.

 

The day after our comeback was a slow one. We didn’t have much in our schedules because for the next couple of weeks we would be swamped with activities for promotions for our album. I found myself laying on the couch watching some junk T.V, my head still feeling tender and sore from the comedown. I felt a dip in the couch and turned my head to see a happy looking Sungmin.

“Guess what?” He asked, looking like he had just won the Olympics.

“What?” I questioned.

“This morning after I woke up I was curious about the response to our comeback. At first I was pretty shocked, the response was pretty mixed from critics but the fans loved it! Some fans even uploaded fan cams to YouTube already.”

I processed what he said and found myself smiling along with him. We’d done well. That was all I wanted, to do well.

“You should see some of the things they’ve written about you.”

I felt worried, and my expression must’ve showed it because Sungmin laughed and explained, “It’s not bad, quite the opposite actually. They all thought you were amazing. There were a few that… never mind.”

I was curious about what he was going to say but decided not to mull over it. Today was supposed to be a happy day. I sighed in relief and my smile returned. “It’s finally over,” I said, meaning more than one thing.

Sungmin just patted my shoulder, “It is.”

 

It had been three days since I last took any speed and my body was noticing the fact. I felt extra agitated and anxious and the burning itch that lay somewhere beneath my skin was back. The worst part of it was that I was in physical pain and cramps in my stomach. My body was rejecting any and everything that went into my stomach, including water. If I wanted to drink, I had to take it very, very slow, otherwise I would throw up what I had drank. Eating was out of the question. I found my hands shaking at the most inconvenient of times, one of those times being now.

I was cramped in the van on the way to guest for Sukira with Leeteuk and Eunhyuk. My hands were shaking so violently that even when I tried to press them against my body to hide the shaking, it just made my body seem like it was shaking. There also seemed to be a permanent sheen of sweat covering my forehead, a drop of sweat rolling down my face every now and then.

I kept my head down, letting my sweaty bangs of hair drop over my eyes, trying to shield my face. I could tell that Eunhyuk and Leeteuk were having some kind of silent conversation about me. They kept nudging each other and sending glances towards my direction.

I felt my stomach cramp in a painful way and I gasped involuntarily, a hand grappling at the fabric of my T-shirt over my stomach. Those cramps would be the death of me.

“Kyuhyun,” Leeteuk said in an attempt to get my attention.

“Yeah?” I gasped out, trying to sound normal and failing spectacularly.

“If you’re not feeling well, we could reschedule. We have an opening next…” Leeteuk trailed off.

I wondered why he was stopping mid sentence, but when I glanced up at his lips realised he hadn’t since he was still moving his lips, it was my hearing that was blocked off. Before I could try to comprehend what was going on, my vision went white and I felt like I was transported into another dimension.

 

I looked around blankly and found myself in a van with Shindong, Leeteuk and Eunhyuk. I could hear the faint sounds of music from my headphones play, and the other members were sitting there, doing their own thing. I was, to say the least, confused as fuck. There was a screeching sound outside then I felt my body become weightless, drifting in the air as loud clanks sounded from the van. My mind was struggling to come to a conclusion as I found myself lying on a street, numb.

Everything seemed too familiar, the street, the location, the people in the van…

I was having a flashback. I lay on the familiar street, hearing the sounds of my panicked members as they made their way out of the car.

Eunhyuk ran up to me muttering, “Oh god, you’re legs…” and put my hands in his and we prayed together. 

I blacked out.

 

I jerked when I fluttered my eyes open to find a worried Leeteuk and Eunhyuk calling my name, one of them slapping my face.

"…Hyun… Kyuhyun!” Leeteuk called. I belatedly realised that I was back into reality and sat myself up.

“Are you okay?” Eunhyuk asked, panic evident in his voice. He never was that good coping with emergencies.

I nodded a little and licked my dry lips, trying to get an explanation out. “Fine, flashback of accident,” I said brokenly, too tired to form a coherent sentence. “What happened?”

Leeteuk took the liberty of answering, “You started to hyperventilate like you were having a panic attack, then you shouted and passed out.” Leeteuk looked pale as he explained what happened. I nodded, confused and shaken up.

“We’ll take you back home,” Leeteuk informed me, leaving no room for argument.

Good thing I make my own room when arguing. “No,” I said forcefully.

Leeteuk sighed, “We can’t take you to Sukira looking like this.”

“It’s fine, I can still work,” I ground out through my dizziness.

“Kyuhyun, get a grip on yourself!” Leeteuk shouted. “One look at you and anyone could tell that you’re not well. Get some rest.”

“But-“ I tried, but Eunhyuk interrupted me.

“We’re taking you home.”

I growled in frustration under my breath, what did they take me for, some kind of kid? I was old enough to look after myself. I gritted my teeth and tried my best to stay silent while Leeteuk called another manager, asking for them to pick me up at Sukira and take me home. I wasn’t pleased at all.

Everything always went downhill when I’m not on speed… Everything got ruined. I sulked the whole way home, angry I couldn’t participate. I was alone in the dorm and I felt utterly useless. Everyone else was out working hard, but here I was, alone and slacking off.

I stomped into my room, feeling anger coursing through every part of my body.

I knew how to fix this.

With just one small hit everything would be better.


	15. Chapter 15

This would be the last hit. I knew it would be. The reason I was taking it now was because I had that flashback in the car and I needed something to calm me done.

That was the only reason.

I yanked open the zip of my bag and dove my hands in, searching for the familiar package which I hid in an empty cinnamon flavoured mint tin. I clicked the lid off of the tin and reached my hand inside, pulling the plastic package out, feeling anticipation dwell within every part of me. A sort of twisted and desperate smile made its way to my lips. I was presented with a sight that made my blood run cold. There was nothing left. I threw the tin across the room in anger and swore. How could I not have any left?

Fuck… fuck… fuck!

The shaking in my hands intensified two fold and my breathing was becoming short and shallow making me feel light headed and dizzy. How could this happen? I was such an idiot for letting it run out like that. Didn’t I realise that I needed it? My thoughts were scattered all over the place and I couldn’t form a single coherent thought. Before my laboured breathing had the chance to turn into a panic attack, an idea hit me.

Dong-Sun. All I had to do was call him up and ask for more.

He would help me.

He understood.

I fished my hands in my pockets and grabbed out my phone with my shaky and sweaty hands, searching for LDS under my contact list. I pressed the call button and held the phone up to my ear, my fingers almost turning white from the pressure I exerted on the phone.

“Yeah?” Dong-Sun’s gruff voice sounded over the phone.

“It’s Kyuhyun…” I said, knowing he would understand what I needed.

There was a pause on his end and I almost growled in frustration when he didn’t reply straight away.

“Thirty minutes,” He said, as if trying to work something out for himself.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“You’ve got thirty minutes to get here before I’m leaving the house. Make it quick,” he ordered.

I snapped the phone shut, not even bothering to give him a reply and grabbed my wallet knowing that I had enough money stashed in there for what I needed. It definitely wasn’t enough money to get as much as I did before but it was enough to get me the hit I needed so I could calm down. I bolted out of the dorms, not bothering to disguise myself.

This was an emergency, after all.

I hailed the first taxi I could find and sat behind the driver, demanding to be taken to Dong-Sun’s address in a hurry. I tried to relax into my seat but my mind was so far off relaxed that I couldn’t help but bounce my leg on the carpeted taxi floor. The driver shot me suspicious glances through the review mirror. “You’re that uhh… Kyuhyun, right? The one from Super Junior,” He grumbled out to me, taking an even bigger interest when he realised I was someone famous.

I did my best to smile at him but gave no answer. In my experience it was easier to just remain silent rather than confirming or denying anything.

“Are you sick?” He questioned when he took in my shaking and sweaty form, trying to look for some form of gossip.

“Just a cold,” I answered.

With a jolt I realised I couldn’t let him drop me off at Dong-Sun’s house. If he took pictures of me entering such a rundown house I could be in for some pretty serious scandals. I asked him to drop me off at a different location, pretending that I had made a mistake. The driver just shrugged at took me to the location I asked, just about a street up from Dong-Sun’s house.

 

I thanked the driver and gave him his money, walking away with slow strides to make sure he wasn’t following me. I kept glancing over my shoulder to make sure the taxi was out of sight, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching me. It made my skin crawl so I began to walk faster in hope that whoever was watching me would stop when I reached his door.

I made my way through the overgrown garden that had somehow grown even more out of control since the last time I saw it. Now I was coming here in the day, I realised the stark difference between Dong-Sun’s house and everyone else’s on the street. His was the only unkempt one and it stood out like a sore thumb. Everyone on the street must’ve known he was up to no good. I kept my head facing the ground in an attempt to hide my face from whoever might’ve been watching.

You could never be too careful.

 

I banged on the door, glancing down at my phone watch.

I had gotten here maybe just a few minutes late and I hoped with every fibre in my body that he hadn’t decided to leave. I felt relief wash over me when I saw him open the door. I never thought I would get any relief in seeing such a smug and leering face.

He gave me a once over before chuckling to himself, “A few minutes late, aren’t we?”

“Shut up,” I growled out definitely not being in the mood for his jibes.

He laughed grittily, “Well aren’t you looking fantastic.”

I banged my open palm on the frame of his door, feeling impatient and unforgiving. “Stop fucking around and give me what I need. Now,” I said, my voice cold, leaving no room for argument. Dong-Sun shrugged and retreated into the shit hole he called a home.

“Can I come in?” I asked. I didn’t want to enter but it was broad daylight and I was an idol. I couldn’t be seen here.

Dong-Sun stopped in his tracks and looked back at me, shrugging. I took that as a yes and unenthusiastically tip toed into his house, avoiding the garbage that littered the floor and the tiny insects that fluttered amongst the floorboards. I’d made my way into what I assumed was the living room from the couch, small coffee table and T.V that were the singular things decorating the otherwise bare room when Dong-Sun walked into the room, holding what I needed in his hand.

I had an intense urge to just run over to him and rip the bag out of his hands, but I still did have a few vestiges of pride left somewhere in me. I grabbed my wallet out and handed him all the money I had.

He measured out an amount from his stash and tipped it into a smaller bag, handing it to me, after I’d given him the money of course. I nodded to him to show my thanks and bit my lip realising I wasn’t going to be able to hold out on not taking a hit until I got home. I knew I couldn’t do it in public, and as much as I didn’t want to take any in this filth infested heap, I would rather it here than in somepublic toilet where anyone could be watching.

“Can I use your bathroom?” I asked, wiping my runny nose then gesturing to the bag in my hand.

“Just do it here,” He said, pointing to the coffee table. As I made my way over he continued what he was saying, “Only God’s watching.”

He snicked, apparently thinking he was being hilarious but I definitely didn’t see the humour in the situation. I felt all the more uncomfortable about taking and speed. It was as if I could feel a heavy burden being placed on my back from God’s watchful eyes.

I waved away the notion and lined up a smaller amount than usual, knowing I could take more when I got home. All I needed now was a small hit to keep me going. 

But, it wasn’t like I was going to take anymore after today anyway.

The rest of the drug that I didn’t use today was just for insurance, in case something went wrong. For now, I wouldn’t worry about that.

Sniff.

That pure, raw pleasure coursed through me as the drugs found their way into my system. It was hard to even explain the relief and pleasure that flooded my body. It was like eating your favourite dessert while lying on a bed made of feathers and feeling like the world around you was the nicest and most comfortable place you’ve ever been. I didn’t feel the worries one normally would.

I felt enlightened.

I stood up, stumbling sideways as I attempted to walk. I shook my head trying to clear the fog and regained my balance, walking out the door while making sure the rest of the drug was situated in my pocket.


	16. Chapter 16

I somehow made me way home after leaving Dong-Sun’s. The most part of it was just a messed up blur in which I had no idea how I even made it here. I found myself not even caring. When I opened the door I heard what sounded like happy conversation made its way to my ears. Curious, I walked into the lounge room where everyone seemed to be having some kind of party. Sungmin spotted me looking at everyone in confusion and hopped off the couch to come greet me.

“Where have you been? Never mind,” he said in quick succession, not giving me any time to respond, “We’re having a celebration for our album sales.” He gestured to a few of the tipsy members sharing drinks around with everyone, all in good spirits.

I smiled at Sungmin, “I’ll join you in a minute.” I walked out of the room, still needing to hide everything away from the prying eyes of my members. I decided to put extra effort into hiding the drugs seeing as everyone was probably planning on getting drunk. I knew drunk members equalled much more inquisitive and privacy deprived members.

First of all though, I needed to take just a bit more speed.

I knew I had just taken some but just before but, to be fair, I barely took any. This could be my celebration for finishing the concert and doing well on album sales. Plus, after today, this would be the end.

I wouldn’t take anymore.

 

After I had taken some more speed and hidden away my bag ingeniously between the mattress and the bed frame, I wandered out to join the party. I was feeling much more social and energetic than usual and I found it easy to slip into the mood of the party. I had drunk a fair amount and was sure I was on my way to being drunk, but I didn’t feel like it. I still felt like I was just starting to drink, not almost finishing up. I also wasn’t really feeling the effects of the speed properly. I was confused but just pegged it down to not having enough alcohol yet.

Just as I was about to grab another bottle, a firm hand grabbed my wrist and prevented me from having any more.

“That’s enough for one night,” Leeteuk said firmly.

I glared at him and made another grab for the bottle but he held me back once again.

“I… I am a responsible adult.” I slurred out, “I’m not a kid!”

Leeteuk just rolled his eyes, “Sure, sure. That doesn’t change the fact you’ve had too much to drink.”

“You’re always trying to hold me back,” I mumbled out again, my words coming out all slurred and unsophisticated, not that I really cared at the moment. “J-Just because I’m the maknae doesn’t mean I’m… the… youngest?” I said, confusing even myself.

Leeteuk just gave me this blank look and moved behind me, latching his hand firmly onto each of my shoulders and guiding me into our bathroom.

Leeteuk walked over to the sink and adjusted the taps until a stream of warm water was flowing out. “Here,” he threw me a towel, “Wash your face then come to bed.”

Somehow I miraculously caught the towel despite my slow reflexes and wandered over to the sink to wash up.

“Don’t take too long,” Leeteuk called as he walked out of the bathroom, leaving the door open behind him.

I stood in front of the mirror, marvelling at my messed up appearance. I looked like I should’ve belonged on the streets, not in a famous boy band. The more I inspected myself, the more I began to realise that something wasn’t quite right.

It was… my face?

I was sure that I didn’t look like that yesterday. Something had changed but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, figuratively. So I put my finger on it, literally.

I touched my cheek with my index finger and massaged the skin around in a circle, my eyes widening in horror as I realised my face was adapting and changing to the patterns my thumb was making. It was as if my skin was now some sort of dough. I lifted my left arm up to my face to try and feel my face to see what was going on, but I abruptly froze when I caught sight of my arm. There were little black dots littering my arm from the elbow down.

I took my eyes off the mirror and stared down at my arm in wonder, trying to work out what the dots were. On closer inspection I realised that they were moving. Whatever it was that was in there was alive. I snapped my eyes to the mirror to confirm whether or not this was some trick of the light and the mirror would tell me the truth about what was going on, but when I looked up I saw something much more horrifying. My face that I was kneading just like dough was now melting off.

I backed away in horror, not seeing anything but my reflection in the mirror. I felt the back of my head collide jarringly with the wall behind me, but I barely paid attention to it. I felt my legs weaken and I slid down to the floor, panicking all the while. When my reflection was no longer in sight and I was laying in a panicked heap on the floor, I looked down to my left arm again. Where the little black dots were, bumps were protruding from my skin.

I experimentally poked one and felt the bump flatten and watched in amazement and horror as the dot flittered from one part of my arm to the other. I brought my arm so close to my face that my nose was bumping my arm and tried to see what they were.

I wished I hadn’t.

I saw myriads of black bugs burrowed in my skin, making themselves at home and seeming none the wiser to my emotional turmoil. My breathing began to speed up and I felt my palms becoming clammy. I was freaked out, and wanted these things out. I began to scratch a patch of skin where a few of the insects resided, hoping to break the skin and remove them. The pain of my nails scratching harshly against my skin was lost on me.

I was too fixated on the idea that I didn’t want these things in me. It felt disgusting knowing that something was crawling around inside you. Small flecks of blood began to seep through my skin and I felt a sense of urgency come over me.

If I didn’t get these out right now, what might happen?

I scratched harder and faster, knowing that I was close to being able to getting them out.

I was close to being free.

In the back of my mind, I heard footsteps, but my panicked brain refused to let me acknowledge them. There were more important things on hand.

The sound of someone’s bare feet slapping against the tile sounded in my ears, “What’s taking you so lo- Kyuhyun!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Fun fact; Alcohol mixed with amphetamines can make you hallucinate. They’re not a good mix. Ones a depressant (alcohol) and the other’s a stimulant (speed) so when you’re taking both at the same you won’t feel the full effect of either drug, making you think you can drink more than you actually can, do more drugs, etc.


	17. Chapter 17

I continued scratching at my skin in desperation, but a pair of strong hands prevented me from doing so.

“What are you doing?” Leeteuk asked carefully, his eyes never leaving my scratched arms.

I attempted to tug away from him, but I didn’t have any strength. “Let me go…” I whined pathetically. “LET ME GO!”

My anger flared up when I saw that the little bugs were burying themselves deeper into my skin, burrowing away to a place where they would never be found again. “They’re almost out so just let me go.”

I was practically writhing around in his grip, trying anything I could to be set free. I kicked at his legs, but he just set his knees down on the tops of my feet, preventing me from moving. I let out a frustrated and guttural growl.

“What’s almost out?” He asked slowly.

I scoffed at him, “the bugs. If you’d just let me GO then I could get them out!”

Leeteuk was silent and the only noises that reverberated in the bathroom were my pants from struggling to get free. 

“Kyuhyun… what bugs? There are no bugs,” Leeteuk said, his voice wavering in the slightest.

I looked up at him for the first time and took in the expression that was seemingly painted onto his face. He looked horrified.

“That’s because you interfered! They were almost out until you came and now they’re under my skin! So just let me GO! God damn it!”

I thrashed around recklessly, getting more and more riled up by the second.

“Ryeowook, Sungmin!” Leeteuk yelled facing the open door but making sure to keep a tight grip on my hands and kept his knees pressed firmly into my feet.

It only took a few seconds for Ryeowook and Sungmin to arrive at the bathroom door, both looking confused and slightly dishevelled from the party just before. The mood right now was a direct contrast to the light and cheerful atmosphere of the party. “Wha-“Ryeowook began to say, but stopped abruptly when he saw what was going on.

“Ryeowook, fetch me some towels, clean ones. Bandages, too. Sungmin, get a bucket of warm water then bring it over here and held me hold him down."

They both nodded hastily and left the room in search of what they needed. I sent a death glare to Leeteuk, hoping he would get the message that I wished he was on the other side of the globe right now. I had more important things to attend to than to clean up my wounds, I had to get the bugs out.

“Just… Leeteuk, let me go,” I whined pathetically, beginning to writhe under his grip in desperation. “HELP me!”

I looked at Leeteuk’s face, trying to plead with him through my eyes. Leeteuk just breathed in a shaky breath and looked away, his lower lip trembling ever so slightly.

“Teukie-Hyung,” I said softly, trying a new approach. “If you wanted to help me, you’d let me go.”

Leeteuk just kept his gaze averted from mine, not daring to make eye contact with me.

“Teukie-Hyung… Teukie… please. Please. I know you can help me.” I begged, but Leeteuk made no indication that he was listening. “Leeteuk-Hyung, I know you can hear me, you can help me. Leeteuk… LEETEUK! LEETEUK FOR FUCKS SAKE LET ME GO!” I cried out, thrashing my body around in an attempt to get loose.

Unfortunately, it was useless. Leeteuk’s grip on me was as strong as iron. Sungmin walked back into the bathroom, bucket in hand and rushed over as quickly as he could.

“Sungmin, thank God, help me hold him down,” Leeteuk whispered, sighing in relief. Sungmin took both of my wrists in his hands and held me tight while Leeteuk let go and held onto my legs more firmly.

“What’s going on?” Sungmin asked, looking pale and petrified.

Leeteuk shook his head, “I’ll tell you later, just help for now.”

Sungmin just nodded and continued to hold me in place. I turned my head to Sungmin, “You can help me… just get him off me.”

I must’ve looked a mess, all sweaty and ruffled. Sungmin bit his lip and looked away.

“I want to help you Kyuhyun.”

I felt a smile break out on my face, “Good, so just let me go and then-“

“No-“ He interrupted. I want to help you but letting you go isn’t going to help anyone…” Sungmin had tears in his eyes as he said this, his voice wavering and he looked like he wanted nothing more than to oblige to what I was saying. I felt a sob erupt from my chest in desperation, but my eyes shed no tears. I didn’t even think it would be possible for me to cry at this point.

Ryeowook walked in, having much the same reaction to my pleadings as Sungmin did. Ryeowook soaked a small hand towel in the warm water and wiped it gently on my arms where I hadn’t scratched away the skin too badly.

He poured the water lightly over my damaged skin, attempting to wash away the dirt and grime that my fingernails would’ve left on my skin. I felt like I should’ve been in pain, but wasn’t. Ryeowook wrapped makeshift bandages over my skin, trying to stop the blood that was still trickling slowly from some places on my arms. I muttered ‘help me’ under my breath like a mantra, hoping that someone would finally take pity on my and let me go, but no one did.

My chest heaved up and down and I let out shaky breaths. Sungmin combed his hands through my hair and I wanted nothing more than to slap it away. I didn’t need a comforting hand right now. I needed to get them out. I tried to struggle more, but I felt fatigue wash over my body.

After god-knows how long, I felt my vision blur and darken, my body giving way to exhaustion.


	18. Chapter 18

I opened my eyes a crack and was assaulted by a blindingly bright light. I shut them again quickly, feeling the burn of the morning sun still lingering on my eyes. I groaned when I realised I was having one of the worst hangovers of my life. My head was pounding and everything just felt extra sensitive. The door squeaked upon and I groaned in complaint, covering my ears to protect my sore head from the unpleasant sound. A hand shook me and I rolled the other way, not wanting to get out of bed in the slightest.

“Kyu,” I heard Leeteuk whisper.

I slowly opened my eyes, trying to get used to the blinding light bit by bit.

“What?” I said groggily, feeling irritable as hell.

“We have a schedule, come on get up and get ready, okay?” He said, still speaking softly. I appreciated that to no end. If he spoke any louder I don’t think my sensitive head would be able to take it.

I sighed in defeat, knowing that work was work and sat up in my bed, holding one hand to my head. The pain was horrendous.

“Can you bring me some painkillers?” I asked, my gravelly voice sounding awful.

Leeteuk quickly left the room in search of painkillers and I swung my legs over the bed, ready to get up. When I pushed down on the bed with my arms, I felt a sharp pain in my left arm. I hissed and looked down to see bandages covering it. That’s when the events of last night came back to me.

Shit.

What the hell was I thinking? How could I have thought that there were bugs crawling around in my skin? That was just… impossible. I tried to wrap my head around everything, but Leeteuk came back with two pills and a glass of water before I had any time to decipher the situation. I thanked Leeteuk and took the pills hastily, wanting to relieve my headache as fast as possible.

“I feel like shit,” I admitted.

Leeteuk just smiled, but it seemed forced to me. “I’ll get your jacket.”

Leeteuk helped me up and placed a hat on my head, pulling my hoodie over the hat to hide my face. It wasn’t really unusual for us to try hide our appearance, but just for going to normal schedules it felt a bit weird. We usually only hid if we were going to public places. Leeteuk was wearing the same kind of outfit as I was, too. I didn’t pay that much mind to it after my initial thoughts that it was strange. My head was aching too much for me to be able to think coherently.

“Sungmin and Ryeowook are already in the car, we’re going there together,” He said once I was finished dressing and looked somewhat presentable.

He smiled down at me, but for some reason he looked incredibly sad. His usual dimple didn’t appear on his cheek, either. Everything about him seemed forced. I thought back to last night at realised maybe that was why he seemed so upset. I felt like hitting myself for being so stupid and psychotic last night.

I was being a real idiot.

Teukie put his arm around my shoulder and guided me out of the bedroom. When we were in the hall getting ready to leave, I heard Donghae call us from behind. “Where are you going? I thought we didn’t have… Oh never mind,” I raised an eyebrow and turned to Leeteuk to see that he was glaring daggers at Donghae. Everything about this morning just seemed… off.

 

Leeteuk and I entered the van. Sungmin and Ryeowook were there waiting for us, wearing the same attire to hide their appearance like Leeteuk and I.

I raised an eyebrow but in the end just shrugged it off.

When the car was started I heard Leeteuk having a conversation on the phone. He glanced at me every now and then and I was beginning to feel extremely paranoid. Everyone seemed to be looking at the funny this morning. Leeteuk was sitting two seats in front of me, so I attempted to shuffle forward a bit to listen in on his conversation.

“… Bringing… diagnose him… not sure… problems… ask him…”

I only heard little bits of the conversation, and before I could listen to any more, Sungmin distracted me with talk about the weather. I rested my head on the window, feeling the vibrations of the car wheels riding along the roads through the window. I stared outside at our surroundings and slowly began to realise that I had no idea where we were going. This definitely wasn’t the way to our practice rooms, and I didn’t know any venues that we frequently visited that were in this direction. I kept looking out the window, trying to figure out where the hell we were going.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked in a shaking voice, feeling unsafe and anxious.

There was no response and I turned around to look at the other three members in the car, all avoiding my gaze. I felt my legs begin to shake and I wasn’t even sure why. I just had this horrible feeling I wasn’t going to like where I was going. I resumed looking out the window, trying to find some kind of clue that would indicate where we were going. I saw a street sign as we slowed at a traffic light that had writing all over it One thing, however, stood out to me.

‘500m to General Hospital’

I felt the blood leave my face. They were taking me… to a hospital. Why? What was going on?

“You’re taking me to the hospital, aren’t you?” I accused, my voice not coming out as strong as I would’ve liked. “Why?”

Sungmin turned to face me, his face looking pained. “We’re just treating your wounds, Kyuhyun.”

Liar.

I felt my breathing quicken, “I won’t go. There’s no need to.”

Ryeowook looked at me, his face impassive but I could tell he was troubled, “The doctors are just going to dress the wounds. We can go home after that.”

Ryeowook’s words didn’t calm me down, I still felt edgy and reluctant to go. I hated hospitals with a burning passion. “I still don’t want to…”

The members were silent for the rest of the car trip, not really knowing what to say. I wanted to yell at them but I knew that wouldn’t help my case. I already freaked them out enough yesterday. Ryeowook and Sungmin climbed out of the van, but Leeteuk stayed behind and looked me straight in the eye, “We’re going.”

I tried to shrink back into my seat but Leeteuk grabbed my hand, being mindful of the scratches and used force to pull me out of my seat. “Keep your head down, we don’t want to be recognised,” Leeteuk commanded.

We took as many back routes and uncrowded halls as possible as we made our way to the front desk. Sungmin hung back with me while Leeteuk and Ryeowook spoke to the receptionists. After they receptionist was done speaking, Leeteuk lead us down a hall and to the door of a doctor’s office. One good thing about being a celebrity is that you didn’t have to wait in queue to get medical assistance. Well, right now I wasn’t quite sure if it could be considered a good thing though…

I felt my panic levels reach a new height as Leeteuk knocked on the door. I wanted nothing more than to just high tail it out of there, and apparently Sungmin figured as much, judging by how tightly he was gripping onto my arm.  
The door opened to reveal a middle aged man – He was kind looking with rectangular shaped glasses that had no wiring around the glass. He gave a brief smile and motioned for me to join him. I turned to Ryeowook just before I entered, and what I saw gave me a shock. He had this hopeless look about him, like he was about to break down right then and there. I felt my stomach drop.

What was so bad that would make him like this?

The doctor closed the door behind me, feeling like I had just locked myself in with a pit of snakes.

“Have a seat,” The doctor said politely, motioning to a comfortable looking black couch. I moved over to the couch slowly, hoping to delay the inevitable, even by a few seconds.

“So… tell me about your arms.”


	19. Chapter 19

I stared at the doctor, panicking a little inside. I didn’t want to tell him about my arms. I didn’t want him to know the real reason why I freaked out.

“I scratched them,” I said simply. “Sungmin said that you were going to dress my wound, that’s all.”

The doctor nodded and brought out some bandages and anti-septics from his cupboards. “That’s what you’re here for,” He said, seeming like he was hiding something. The doctor made me lift my sleeve up and began to dab it with a cotton bud.

“Why did you scratch your arms like this?” He asked casually.

“… They were itchy.”

There was a pause before the doctor began to question me again, not taking his eyes off of my arm, presumably trying to make me more comfortable. “Has anything strange been happening lately?”

“Strange?” I questioned, trying to buy time.

The doctor hummed a little, “Yes, thing’s you have trouble understanding. Anything that doesn’t usually happen.”

The bugs. The flashback. The panic attacks. The nose bleeds. The fainting.

“No. Nothing.”

I felt like I was being interrogated, and I didn’t like it one bit. As soon as I was out of here I was going to give Leeteuk an earful for making me come here when he could’ve just treated me at home.

 

After cleaning my wounds and wrapping them up, the doctor sighed and leaned back into his chair.

“I don’t mean to scare you away, but truthfully your arm isn’t the only reason you’re here.”

I felt my heart thump in my chest. If I wasn’t here for my wounds then… it must’ve been…

“Your members are concerned about your mental health. I was speaking to Park Jungsu earlier on the phone and he filled me in on the events last night. He also told me about how your behaviour and moods have been quite erratic lately.” 

I bit my lip, trying not to panic. “It’s just stress,” I answered shortly and sharply.

I begun to wring my hands and the doctor’s eyes flicked down to my hands, noticing the movement. I immediately stopped.

“Mr. Park told me that you thought there were bugs in your skin last night. You were hallucinating, that was how you got the scratches.”

The doctor stared at me and it seemed like the warm and inviting visage he had before had now dissipated.

“As I said,” I croaked out, “stress.”

The doctor just looked at me sadly, “We’ll have to keep you here for observation at least overnight.”

I stood up, “What?” I exclaimed angrily. “I don’t see any reason why you should keep me here! I have work to do!”

The doctor motioned for me to retake my seat, but I wasn’t having any of that. “We just need to keep you here for a short amount of time. You’ll be free to go before you know it.”

I hissed in annoyance and stormed out the room to come face to face with Leeteuk. My larger body towered over him, “Sure, I’m just coming here to get my wounds cleaned. Then why do I need to stay overnight? Why does the doctor know all of these things about me?” I hissed.

Leeteuk reached his arm out to put a hand on my shoulder, but I knocked it away. He looked hurt. Good. He deserved to be hurt.

“Kyuhyun…” Leeteuk tried, sounding meek and unsure. “There’s something wrong and we need to find out what.”

“You… You all think I’m crazy, don’t you? That there’s something wrong with me…” I said, addressing everyone on the room, giving each person a glare.

My lip quivered involuntarily and the members all stayed silent. The doctor emerged from the door behind us, and it was only then did I realise I had backed Leeteuk into the wall on the other side of the hall.

“Kyuhyun, if you would just follow me,” The doctor said.

I whipped around to face him, “Why should I?”

The doctor regarded me for a moment. “If you don’t want to make a scene and have security drag you to your room, I suggest you come with me quietly,” He warned. I gritted my teeth and followed him reluctantly, making sure to send one last glare at Sungmin, Ryeowook and Leeteuk.

 

One of the most boring things in the world had to be staying in hospitals. It was as if they enjoyed taking away your energy and cheerfulness with their peachy coloured walls. The feeding tube that they’d stuck up my nose wasn’t exactly comforting, either. I had refused to eat a meal since I wasn’t hungry and they stuck this god forsaken thing into my nose. Apparently I was malnourished. It was extremely uncomfortable and annoying but they said they wouldn’t remove it until I was released. I didn’t even have any speed here I could take to make the whole experience less painfully slow and boring.

I made a mental note to make sure I took some around with me at all times for emergencies such as these. Good thing I at least had my laptop to distract me. Leeteuk had brought it in for me, I had been thankful and didn’t even yell at him like I had planned. I suppose he brought it in as some kind of peace offering – and it worked, mostly. I was still pissed off but considerably less pissed than I was before he brought in the laptop. I had a lot of free time, so I decided that I should properly look up the comments of our fans on our webpage. I hadn’t really bothered to look since the members told me that it was a positive response, and that’s all I really wanted to know.

Since I had so much free time though, I thought it would be a good idea to look. I went onto my fan page and checked out the responses. The first few comments I read made me feel proud, the fans were happy I was able to stand on stage and sing again. When I scrolled a little further down though, I began to feel a stabbing sensation in my stomach when I read the comments. They all commented on my weight, saying how starved I looked. A few of them were even bashing the company, saying that they needed to take better care of their idols and that I didn’t have enough time to rest.

I knew this wasn’t going to turn out well, and my suspicions were confirmed when a representative from SM came to visit me during my oh-so-lovely hospital stay.

 

“Do you know how badly this reflects on the company?” The man dressed in a black suit yelled, saying practically the same thing he had been saying for the last ten minutes. This reflects badly on blah, if you don’t do blah then blah will be affected.

“If you can’t put on any weight, we’re going to have to take drastic action. We’re holding a press conference in four days to explain why you’re so thin.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but the man wouldn’t let me get in a word edgeways.

“We’re making an official statement that during the accident you damaged your small intestine which makes it hard for you to absorb nutrients. We’ll tell them that you have been assigned a doctor and are being treated as we speak. You’re getting better every day and expected to make a quick recovery. Got it? In the meantime, we will assign you a doctor who will supervise your meals and make sure you are getting enough to eat.”

The man in black finally stopped his barrage of speech and gave me a small, clipped bow, “I hope your stay is enjoyable.”

He left the room swiftly, obviously not wanting to be here longer than he had to.

Well, that was enjoyable.

I loved being chewed out by my company’s representatives during my hospitals stays.

Great, so all I had to do was have regular meals, have a doctor follow me around during meal times, put on weight and fake an illness.

Fantastic. Great, was I looking forward to that.


	20. Chapter 20

If there was one thing in life I hated, it was being smothered with attention. And that was exactly what this god damned doctor was doing to me. He followed me like the plague, wanting to know when the last time I ate was, what did I have to drink, how much of that meal did you eat, did anyone see you eat it? I swear I was about to rip my hair out right then and there. I thought back to the first day that the doctor came over to oversee my eating patterns.

Now THAT was awkward.

-

I was lying peacefully in my bed, feeling the comedown of my high begin to make its appearance. I had gotten back from the hospital a fair few hours ago and the first thing I did was take some speed. They had forced me to be there for two whole days and I was beginning to feel extremely uncomfortable without any.

A sudden knock on the door brought me out of my good mood as I grumbled, not wanting to deal with extra company. I knew for a fact that everyone was home except for Kangin and Siwon, but they were at their schedules that would end late at night. So it wouldn’t be them.

I just wanted to roll over on my bed and pretend that no one was here. The front door clicked open and I heard muffled voices through my bedroom door, not particularly caring who, or why that person was here. There was some shuffling of footsteps and a knock on my door. I groaned but told them to come in. I knew if I didn’t respond they’d just barge in a minute or so later anyway. Donghae walked into my room with a raised eyebrow, a man presumably in his thirties following. He looked like the type that would be strictly professional, no funny business.

“Hello, Mr. Cho. I am your assigned doctor, Gil Bae,” He said with a high class accent.

I sat up in my bed and groaned. So they were serious…

“Right, um nice to meet you,” I said, getting off my bed reluctantly and bowing.

Donghae looked between us, raising his eyebrows in confusion. He looked to me and I just mouthed, ‘Later.’ Donghae just shrugged a bit and left the room. I knew he was going to go tell the other members about the mysterious doctor that was assigned to me, but I couldn’t care less. I’d let Gil Bae do the explaining there. 

Gil Bae hung around me for the rest of the day, not really doing anything productive except scribbling on his pages of notes that doctors always seemed to carry. When it came to dinner, however, he was all up and raring to go, ready to tell me what I should and shouldn’t eat. When I went to go get the dinner that Ryeowook had cooked for us, Gil Bae tagged along and the members shot me weird looks.

“Sit down at the table, he’s doing the explaining,” I said, pointing to Gil Bae who was following me like a sheep.

I didn’t really care if I was being rude. I was feeling the after effects of the speed and was feeling extremely irritated that this doctor decided he needed to hang around me all day. When everyone was seated, Gil Bae began his introduction. The members all knew about my hospitalisation two days ago, so he quickly skimmed over that and began talking about why he had to look after me.

“As you can see,” He said a bit smugly, humour lacing his voice, “This boy here is… malnourished. He needs a doctor to look after him to make sure he eats his meals, three times a day,” He said, snickering to himself.

I failed to see what was so funny about that, and apparently the rest of the members did, too. Needless to say, he wasn’t liked. After he had explained, there was an awkward silence that filled the room that no one wanted to break. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, judging and curious. From then on, whenever I ate, I had all the members staring at me, making sure I ate all that I was supposed to. On the occasion, I couldn’t help but throw up what I had eaten which earned me a stern glare and a lecture from Ryeowook every time that happened and he was around to notice. My stomach just didn’t like the food.

After a while, I learned that I just had to eat before I took a hit, so if I could take my hits at night instead, then it would minimize the difficulty of eating. It did take away a bit of my sleeping time, but I rationalised that I barely slept in the first place, anyway.

 

In the end though, I did end up putting on a bit of weight.

It wasn’t all that much, but it was a start. When the press conference was held, I was told to wear clothes that would cover up my obvious weight loss. The press swallowed up what I told them like it was a bottle of Soju. People believed me, but then again, people tended to believe anything when you attach it to a serious accident. Whether people thought it was actually from trauma or legitimate internal issues, I didn’t really care.

At least it wasn’t reflecting badly on the company anymore.

 

On the third week that the doctor was here, he came up to me smiling on a sunny day. It actually seemed like a real smile, not one of those smirks he always seemed to have permanently attached to his face. For some reason, the fact that he was smiling genuinely made me more frightened than his smirks ever would. He patted me on the shoulder and I suddenly felt like I had somehow ended up in an alternate universe.

“You’ve done well, I can see you’re progressing and I think there is no further reason for me to stay here,” He said, smiling all the while.

Ah, so that was why he was so happy. I smiled back too and gave him a bow, happily seeing him off. It felt good to be alone again. I hadn’t had a lot of time to myself lately since I had been so closely followed by Gil Bae, and that meant fewer opportunities to get my fix. I hadn’t had any in two days and was getting a little restless. I even had to make an extremely sneaky visit to Dong-Sun in the middle of it all, and trust me, getting away with that undetected was hard as hell. I knew what I wanted to do now I was alone – well not alone alone since I still had the members here with me, just alone in the sense I didn’t have someone practically stalking me.

I grabbed my bag from under my bed, making sure that no one was here to bust me and walked into the bathroom, flinging the door shut behind me carelessly in my hurry to get my drugs out.

I lined up two neat lines on the bathroom sink, making sure that it was just the right amount I was in the mood for. I blocked my left nostril and leaned down to sniff one of the lines when I heard a voice calling my name and heavy footsteps just outside the door. I froze in place remembering I had forgotten to lock the door.

Oh fuck.

I panicked and couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. No matter what, I was fucked. The door swung open and I looked away from the door, not wanting to see the person’s face when they saw what I was doing.

There was a short-lived silence before the person spoke.

“Oh god…”


	21. Chapter 21

It felt like my body had just had a bucket of freezing cold water dumped on me. I turned my head ever so slightly to get a look at a shocked and furious Leeteuk standing in the doorway, his face a mixture of red in some places and deathly pale white in others. Leeteuk didn’t move, and I didn’t either. We just stood shock still, trying to make sense of the situation. My head was a mess, I felt like my thoughts were running at a million miles an hour while at the same time feeling like everything in my head had come to a standstill.

Leeteuk regained his bearings and stormed towards me. I freaked out in my head, realising that if he came over here, I wouldn’t be able to take my speed. With him finding out, I didn’t know the next time I would be able to take any speed. That thought scared me beyond belief.

I quickly repositioned myself and sniffed about a quarter of a line before Leeteuk grabbed the back of my collar and forcefully pushed me away. I tried to get back to the speed I had left on the counter, but Leeteuk wiped it away onto the floor with his hand. I let out a strangled cry as I watched the perfectly neat lines scatter into individual particles of dust, spreading into the air never to be found again. Leeteuk’s hand never left the back of my collar, his tight grip making it difficult to breathe.

I hazarded a quick look in the general direction of his face to see how he was reacting, but I wished I didn’t. His expression was contorted into a look of complete rage and disbelief. I flicked my eyes back down to the ground, not wanting to see him anymore. I felt like if I avoided looking at his face, then none of this would be real.

We’d go back to normal, where everything was okay and Leeteuk wasn’t about to kill me. Leeteuk dragged me out of the bathroom and into the hall by the scruff of my neck, turning me around forcefully and pushing me against one of the concrete walls. I felt the breath rush of out my lungs at the impact of my back back against the wall. Leeteuk placed a hand on my chest, holding me in place.

“YOU!” He screamed out, his voice shaking from anger. Leeteuk kept his hand on my chest, exerting pressure every now and then that squished me against the wall painfully, my breath hitching every time he pushed me. I did my best to avoid eye contact.

“Are you crazy?” he exclaimed.

I kept my eyes focused on the floor. Just pretend it’s not real. It’s not happening. I wanted to hide myself in a ditch and never come out. I wanted to pretend that this wasn’t happening, that everything was just a dream and I’d wake up, happier than ever. I’d wake up in a world where everything was perfect, and I didn’t have to feel pain anymore… Leeteuk’s shouting had enticed some of the members out of their rooms that came out to look out of curiosity. Some of them widened their eyes at the scene, but no one dared to interfere. I didn’t blame them – not one bit. Leeteuk looked like he could’ve murdered someone right then and there with absolutely no remorse. 

“You,” He hissed, “Are coming with me.”

Leeteuk dragged me out of the dorm by my arm, not relenting on his painful grip all the way down to the bottom floor. When we reached the van, Leeteuk opened the door and pushed me in, slamming the door shut. He got into his side and did up my belt for me, seeing as I was practically frozen. When he leaned over to me, I saw his hands shaking. They were trembling harshly and it reminded me of the time we were in the van together and I had a flashback of the accident.

Except that this time, Leeteuk was the one who was shaking. He started up the van and began driving at a reckless pace, the tires screeching against the roads. I could smell the choking scent of burnt rubber assault my nose. Leeteuk wasn’t paying any heed to the speed limit whatsoever. He was out of his mind with anger. When we reached a red light and stopped, Leeteuk slammed his hand onto the driving wheel, creating a loud bang that echoed through my ears.

“Are you trying to kill yourself?” He asked incredulously. “You just escaped from death, WHY would you want to go back there?” He screamed at me, eyes never leaving the road in front of him. I stayed silent. I didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t anything I could say.

I’d screwed up.

Really, really screwed up.

But still in the end, I couldn’t figure out if I was ashamed that I did drugs, or ashamed that I got caught… I wanted desperately to be ashamed of my behaviour, to be ashamed of doing something so dirty and disgusting. But somewhere deep down, I just knew that wasn’t the case. I was ashamed at myself for getting caught, for not being careful enough to prevent this situation.

That was all.

Leeteuk slammed his foot onto the accelerator audibly when the light flashed green, making us both jerk back into our seats.

“You know,” Leeteuk said, a bitter laugh coming through his words, “I knew something serious was going on, but not this. Of all of the fucked up scenarios that went through my head, this was one of them. But I dismissed the thought, I let it slide. Do you know why?” He said, speaking dangerously softly.

He turned to me slightly, keeping one eye on the road and one on me, as if accusing me with his glare.

“I dismissed it because I knew you wouldn’t do something like this. I knew you weren’t that GOD DAMNED STUPID! WELL GUESS WHAT, KYUHYUN. YOU PROVED ME WRONG. CONGRATULATIONS,” Leeteuk screamed. My ears felt like they were burning from Leeteuk’s loud voice. My eyes began stinging and I felt tears well up in my eyes.

Everything he said was true. It was all right. I was stupid, foolish, an idiot. That was me, and there was no denying it. I sniffled a little, my tears that were threatening to fall causing my nose to drip.

But I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t. I wasn’t weak.

Leeteuk scoffed, “Now you’re crying? You caused this. Don’t go feeling sorry for yourself.”

“…I’m not crying,” I spoke softly, speaking for the first time that day. “I’m not crying.”

I glanced at Leeteuk and almost gasped in surprise at what I saw. His hands were shaking violently and I was sure I could see the beginnings of tears in his eyes. His mouth was turned down unpleasantly, twitching every so often. I whipped my head away as quickly as I looked. I didn’t want to see the pain I had caused him. The only thing I knew how to do was let people down. I felt like I was on top of a hill – tumbling down and down – but I couldn’t see the bottom. All I could see was the murky blackness that awaited at the bottom, welcoming me. 

 

Leeteuk stopped the van suddenly. I kept my eyes to the floor, not wanting to know where – or why we were here. I had a foreboding feeling in the pit of my stomach and somehow knew that when I got out of this van my whole life would change. I just wanted out. Of here, of anywhere. I wanted to escape. I was too afraid of what was ahead.

“Get out of the van,” Leeteuk commanded, his voice sounding regretful. I opened my door and stepped outside, finally taking in my surroundings. I felt like a ten tonne truck had been dumped on my head, and all my blood had been sucked from my veins.

I felt a cold overwhelming feeling of panic rise through me.

Leeteuk had taken me to my parents house.


	22. Chapter 22

I felt my blood run cold. I couldn’t be here at my parent’s house. I couldn’t let them see what a failure their son was. I took a step back towards the van, and another. Before my legs were able to make a rational decision and run off, Leeteuk grabbed my shoulder and wrapped his arm around my waist, holding me firmly in place.

“Let me go,” I whimpered. “Please, please! I’ll do anything just… just don’t make me go here,” I begged shamelessly. I didn’t care how pathetic I looked, I would’ve done anything to get out of here.

“Would you stop taking the drugs?” Leeteuk asked seriously, his grip tightening on my shoulders.

YES! I screamed in my head – bur for some reason I found it much harder to vocalise.

“Y-Yes,” I answered after a pause. Apparently I answered a second too late. I knew Leeteuk didn’t believe me. I didn’t believe me.

Leeteuk sighed and began walking while pushing me alone in front of him. I tried to resist, but my weak body wouldn’t let me do anything but slightly slow down the pace. “You don’t understand! I can’t go here,” I exclaimed, wriggling around in his grip.

“It’s okay,” He whispered to me with a pained sounding voice.

“Let me GO! Leeteuk PLEASE LET ME GO!”

Leeteuk’s fingers just dug into my shoulder and my waist, gripping me tighter. I felt my throat close up. I couldn’t get out by force, and I couldn’t get out using words. I was stuck and there was nothing I could do about it.

As we took the elevator to my parents flat, I felt myself being closed in like a box. I felt helpless and desperate. The elevator dinged, announcing our arrival. That daunting sound sent a painful stabbing sensation through my stomach. I couldn’t do this. I just couldn’t. I struggled harder and harder against Leeteuk’s grip as we got closer to the door. The door that would lead to me screwing up any kind of good relations I had with my family.

The door that was just begging to slam shut and never open for me again.

And here I was, being held in place not half a meter away from the door. Leeteuk leaned over me and rung the door bell. There was no turning back. I felt my eye water and my throat seize up. I was screaming for help in my head, but I only had the company of my semi-shut down brain that could hear my pleas. I felt like I was going to be sick. The door handle in front of me rattled and I felt my breathing halt as the knob turned and the door opened.

Fuck.

My mother stood at the door - She was still in her pyjamas even though it was nearing midday. It was a habit of hers. Something I probably would never get to see again after my parents slammed the door in my face and disowned me. My mother froze as she saw my face in the doorway. Her lips curved up I surprise before she looked at the state I was in. I watched the emotions flitter on her face, a mix of disgust, horror, disbelief and worry.

“…K-Kyuhyun? Is that you? I-Is that really you?” She stammered, looking as if she didn’t want to believe her eyes.

She put her hand to her mouth and just stared, tears coming to her eyes. I bit my lip when I saw her eyes watering. I’d only seen her cry once, and that was when her Dad died. Now she was crying and it was my fault. I wanted to do anything to comfort her, I wanted to hold her and tell her it was okay, but I couldn’t. I was the cause of her pain. I heard another set of footsteps come from the house and felt an extra load of dread weigh onto my shoulders.

“Honey who is it?” My Dad called out, getting closer and closer by the second.

When my Dad caught sight of Mum being so distraught, he quickened his pace and put his hands on her shoulders, lifting his head to glare at me. When he caught sight of me, he froze in shock and just stared for what felt like forever. My Mum began crying fully, the tears running down her face and little hiccups escaping from her mouth. She just looked at me as the tears streamed down her face. I wished she would look away.

My Dad licked his dry lips, running his eyes over my body.“What have they done to you?”

I lowered my eyes to the ground, not wanting to see his disappointment in me. 

“I was always against you going there,” He muttered, his voice shaky and uncertain. “Now look at you…”

My mother stepped forward towards me, and I reflexively made a move to step backwards but was stopped by Leeteuk. I’d almost forgotten he was here until he held me back from running as fast as I could.

My mother seemed undeterred by my unwillingness to be here. She raised a slightly wrinkled hand to my face, stroking it gently. My cheek burned where she touched it. It felt like she was running an iron over my face, not her hand. The care and worry she was showing me physically hurt.

I needed to get out of there, and fast.

In my desperation to escape, I stamped on Leeteuk’s foot and ran towards the elevator as quickly as I could. The dinging of the elevator bell that was the indicator of my most certain doom only ten minutes ago, was now like music to my ears. I thumbed the button for the first floor hurriedly, repeatedly pressing it as if it would make the doors close faster. Leeteuk hobbled behind me, just reaching the elevator in time before it shut. The classical elevator music did nothing to alleviate the awkward tension between us. I tapped my foot, letting my eyes wander everywhere but Leeteuk’s direction. I let out a huge sigh of relief when the elevator reached the bottom floor.

Now I only had one problem to deal with – Leeteuk. As much as I would’ve liked to avoid him like my parents, I figured that it might’ve been kind of difficult seeing as we lived in the same dorm.

Leeteuk grabbed my arm again, letting me know who was boss and guided me to the van. He pushed me into the van but considerably less harshly than the way he had pushed into the van on the way to my parent’s house. I hastily did up my belt and stared out the window, bringing my knees up to my chest. They would never talk to me again. They saw plain and clear what a failure I was. They didn’t want me. No one did. I was the scum of the earth, trash, disposable – the kind of person the world would be better without. I felt the anger, frustration and sadness well up in my chest, consuming me. I screamed out loud, startling Leeteuk.

I felt like I needed some kind of release, some way to show how confused and frustrated I was. More than anything, I just wanted to disappear. I wished I could just close my eyes and everything would magically be better.

If only…


	23. Chapter 23

The car ride was a silent affair, and when we reached the dorms I felt both relieved and worried. Leeteuk wouldn’t tell anyone… would he? I opened the car door with shaky hands, worrying non-stop about whether Leeteuk would decide to go and tell everyone that I was a screw up. Before we could make our way to the dorms, Leeteuk stood in front of me and blocked my path.

“What?” I whispered softly, wanting nothing more than to just crawl up in my bed and sleep forever.

“We need to talk,” He stated bluntly. I chewed on my lip and crossed my arms against my chest protectively.

“You need to stop. You have to. This isn’t just about you, this is about the team. We can’t be dragged into your issues, we have a reputation to uphold,” Leeteuk warned, his eyes deadly serious. “You can’t drag us all down with you.” 

I felt my chest spike in anger, what he said really got to me. The team was the reason I started this in the first place. It was their fault for pushing me so hard, for wanting me to do more than I could. It was always for the team, and now he was saying I was bringing them down?

“You really don’t know, do you? The reason I started this,” I growled out, letting my anger show plainly. Leeteuk looked somewhat taken aback at my aggressiveness, but went back to normal in a matter of seconds.

“How would I know?”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, “Who was the person who was always pushing me to do my best? Who was the one who yelled at me even when I was doing the best I could even with my injuries? Do you even know how much my body hurt? The stabbing pains every time I tried a new move, it made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. But you, you still acted like I wasn’t trying,” I ground out, my voice getting louder and louder as time went on, and by now I was practically screaming my words out.

“Do you know what, Leeteuk-Hyung, YOU’RE the reason! Every single time you pushed me, every time you yelled, that’s what made me do it. BECAUSE I HAD TO BE BETTER!”

Leeteuk was frozen in place listening to my tirade.

He looked like a fish out of water by the time I was finished. “I… I… don’t you DARE speak to me like that! I’m your leader! OF COURSE I had to yell at you to be better! But still you say it’s my fault? Don’t kid yourself, Kyuhyun, you’re the one who got yourself into this mess.”

I looked Leeteuk directly in the eyes and stepped forward, “That may be true. But no matter how you look at it, I was normal before the accident. I was happy before you. You always treated me like trash.” I took another step forward and grabbed onto the hem of his shirt, leaning my head in and lowering my voice to a whisper.

“When I joined the group, all you did was ridicule me and make me feel like nothing. But you know, I thought that was all in the past. But apparently nothing’s changed. You’re still the same as before. You’re no leader.”

Leeteuk snapped.

He grabbed the collar of my shirt, effectively choking me and pushed me against the van door.

“DON’T SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! I’M YOUR LEADER WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!” Leeteuk screamed, his face inches from mine, contorted in fury.“Don’t try to blame me for your mistakes! You want to know why I treat you like that? It’s because you’re insufferable. You, Cho Kyuhyun, are nothing but an ungrateful brat who doesn’t know what hard work is! YOU-” Leeteuk stopped suddenly when he spotted a young couple who lived in the building looking at us with wide eyes, surprised and frightened by what was going on.

Leeteuk moved back, removing his hand from my collar. “We’re going back,” He hissed to me.

We both stormed angrily up to our dorms, Leeteuk took the first elevator and I took the second that came. When I the elevator opened to our floor, I was shocked to see Leeteuk standing there and waiting for me. I thought he was going to leave me and go back to the dorm himself, but apparently he had other plans. Leeteuk gripped onto my upper arm and yanked me to the entrance of our dorm. I resisted weakly against his grip, I hated how much he was pulling me around today. Leeteuk hastily unlocked the front door and stumbled in with me in tow. He stormed through the house, not stopping until he reached our room.

Leeteuk let go of my arm and shoved me inside our room, “Think about what you’ve done!” He yelled.

Leeteuk slammed the door in my face. I stumbled back into the room, feeling a myriad of emotions flash by me. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do. I heard Leeteuk’s slam his fist in the door. I could see his shadow under the door and realised that he was slumped on the floor, leaning against the door. I turned away from the door and paced the room, unable to relax and come down from my adrenaline high. I heard a bit of a commotion outside and figured it must’ve been the members who didn’t have any schedules right now. I heard a few pairs of feet and recognised Kangin and Sungmin’s voice, asking what happened.

I heard Leeteuk’s muffled voice through the door, “Just leave him.”

The sound of his voice made me snap in anger.

I grabbed the wooden chair that we used whenever we sat at the desk and threw it straight against the wall with all my strength. I panted hard as I saw one of the legs snap off at the impact. There was silence outside my room which was broken by Kangin a few moments later.

“Shouldn’t we do something?”

“Don’t go in there if you know what’s good for you,” Leeteuk answered.

Everything that Leeteuk did irritated me to the point where I just wanted nothing more than to hit him repeatedly until his face was bloody and bruised. I couldn’t stand him.

I picked up the broken chair and slammed it against the wall again and again, trying to vent my frustration. Eventually, the chair was so cracked that there was nothing left to slam against the wall anymore. I fell to the floor in exhaustion, crouched over with only my hands and knees supporting me.

I felt the anger in my stomach dissipate and hopelessness took over me. I was such a failure. I only knew how to let people down. I felt the tears in my eyes brim over and starting sobbing loudly, not caring if anyone heard me –which they most certainly could. I just let myself cry and cry, the tears spilling onto the floor beneath me.

My throat felt hoarse and sore, but I didn’t stop crying. I wanted to let people hear how fucked up I was. I wanted them to know I was a screw up that didn’t deserve anything.

Maybe then they would stop trying to give me help that I didn’t deserve.

I just didn’t care anymore.

I didn’t care.


	24. Chapter 24

You begin to justify it every time you do it. You lie to yourself. You lie and lie and lie until that lie becomes some semblance of the truth. That lie becomes your reality, and that lie ruins you. You could stop. You just don’t want to. You’re trapped in this cycle of hate, want and love. It’s never ending and you can’t seem to find a way out. You’ve lied to yourself so much that you don’t even know what you really want anymore. You don’t know if you want this or not. But, you’re stuck in the cycle so you tell yourself you have no choice but to stay in the cycle. It’s awful, feeling like you have no way out. In the end you stop making excuses. It’s just something that you do, that’s all. You don’t even need an excuse anymore. There is no why, it just is.

 

I opened my eyes and found myself lying in my bed, the covers tucked neatly against my sides. I sat up dazedly, not sure how – or when I got into my bed. The last thing I remember was crying my heart out against the floor. I figured that I must’ve either fallen asleep or passed out after hours of incessantly crying. I realised they would’ve seen my dishevelled and weak appearance, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

Let them see. Let them all see what a fuck up Kyuhyun is. Maybe then they’ll realise their mistakes. Maybe then Leeteuk would realise that it was his fault – that he drove me to this. Maybe then my parents would see that I needed them.

I glanced at the bed next to be and realised with a jolt that Ryeowook was still sleeping, and Leeteuk was already up. I frowned to myself, seeing as he was the one who was usually up the earliest. I looked at the window and realised it was still fairly dark outside, the horizon only beginning to lighten against the dark sky. I shifted out of bed, wanting to get something to eat. It had been a while since I was hungry, and I figured it was because I hadn’t had a proper dose of speed in much, much too long. I would’ve taken some right then and there but I was feeling ridiculously light headed. Eating something would probably lessen at least some of the dizziness.

Plus, I was supposed to be eating regular meals. I definitely didn’t want the doctor coming back and supervising me again.

I think it was safe to say we both felt the same way.

I tip toed into the kitchen, not wanting to wake any of the members up. I wanted to avoid as many people as possible after the commotion yesterday. God knows what Leeteuk ended up telling them. I hoped for my sake that he didn’t say anything too incriminating. I yanked the fridge door open and squinted my eyes at the bright light that assaulted me. I slowly re-opened them, getting used to the feel and dug for anything quick and easy to eat. I wasn’t like Ryeowook, I couldn’t cook gourmet dinners with ease. In fact, I couldn’t cook, period.

I ended up just pulling out some bread and throwing two pieces into the toaster, waiting impatiently for it to toast. I jumped as I saw a shadow coming into the kitchen. I hadn’t bothered turning the lights on, relying only on guesswork and the fridge light to guide me around. The light switch flicked on and I yelled out a little in surprise.

“What’re doing here in the dark?”

I looked up to see Leeteuk standing at the doorway, one hand still lifted to the switch.

“Hungry…” I muttered, unsure what to say after yesterday. The atmosphere in the kitchen was awkward and tense as we both made unsubtle attempts at avoiding eye contact. I felt a question come the forefront of my mind, and as much as I didn’t want to be the one to break the silence, I felt like I had to ask.

“What did you tell the members? About yesterday, I mean…” I mumbled, trailing off and looking at the floor.

I heard him sigh, “I told them you had a nervous breakdown, which you pretty much did.”

I felt a big wave of relief rush over me. If all the members knew, I didn’t know what I would’ve done. I could just imagine their dirty and condescending looks on me at all hours of everyday.

“Thanks for not telling them,” I coughed out. Silence transcended on us once again. I almost yelped out when the toast that was cooking behind me popped out, breaking the silence.

“Can you put one in for me too?” Leeteuk asked hopefully.

I clumsily threw another piece into the toaster while trying not to burn my other hand when I pulled the toast out. Somehow, I managed to not drop anything and found some butter to spread on my toast. I silently spread the butter, facing the opposite way of Leeteuk. I didn’t know what to say to him, and apparently he didn’t know what to say to me, either. I knew that he wanted to talk about yesterday more than anything but he probably didn’t know how to bring it up. When I finished both pieces of my toast, Leeteuk’s popped and I used butter spread on them too, not bothering to ask him what he wanted. He asked me to cook it, and as they say, beggars can’t be choosers.

We both drew up a seat at the table and sat in silence, the quietness ringing in my ears. After we had both finished eating, Leeteuk turned to me, his brow furrowed in concentration.

Oh great, I knew where this was going.

“Kyuhyunnie,” He said sweetly, using the name that only he called me. “I’m going to help you. I’m going to make this better.”

I bit my lip, “As a friend, or as a leader?”

“Both,” He answered simply. I knew he would say that, the team was his life, he couldn’t live without it, but he couldn’t live without his Dongsaeng’s either.

“I can call up management today and say you’re so sick you can’t get out of bed. I read up a little about the withdrawals and apparently they can last from anywhere between three days to a week.”

I groaned and put my hands in my head, I didn’t even want to stop taking it. Why was he making me do this? As long as my performance wasn’t hindered, then why did I have to stop? I told exactly what I was thinking to Leeteuk.

He just gave me an exasperated look, “How long do you think you can keep this up? It’s unhealthy and it’s ruining you. You might not realise it, but we all do. We see what’s it’s doing to you… you’re scaring me.”

I clenched my fists and thought about it. If I just pretended to go along with it, then maybe I could get out of this. If I could just fake it all then he would get off my back. Then I’d never have to deal with him hanging around me, making sure that I’m okay. I smirked but turned my face so he wouldn’t see.

“Let’s do it then.”


	25. Chapter 25

Leeteuk held the cinnamon tin which contained my drugs with his thumb and forefinger, looking like he wanted nothing more than to just drop it to the floor right then and there. He carefully slid the lid open and dumped the plastic package of speed onto my bed. I knew I said I would go along with his plan of making me sober, but I didn’t think he’d go as far as to make me show him where the drugs were so he could personally throw them away.

I sighed to myself in disappointment, I should’ve known he would’ve gone this far.

It was Leeteuk, after all.

I was pissed off that he was throwing the drugs away, but I figured I could just pick some up from Dong-Sun’s later when everyone was out at schedules anyway. Leeteuk gingerly picked up the bag at the corner, looking at the drugs with disgust and contempt. He walked over to the bathroom and ripped the bag, letting the contents fall into the toilet bowl.

I fell like screaming when I watched it swirl around while the toilet flushed, never to be seen again. Thankfully though, I had foreseen such events happening and had stored some speed on the roof of the bathroom cabinets where no one could see. Leeteuk turned to me, throwing the empty bag in the bin.

“Is that all of it?”

I looked him straight in the eye, determined to make him believe me. “That’s all.”

Leeteuk nodded but regarded with a little bit of suspicion. “I’ve asked the management to let me have a day off, they agreed since all we have is dance and vocal lessons today, but I still have to go out at night for my schedules.” 

I groaned internally. I was banking on everyone leaving me to some peace and some sweet speed. When was the last time I had a proper hit? My brain was fuzzy from the events of the past few days, and the only time I recalled taking any was when Leeteuk walked in on me. Then again, that was barely any. It was too small to be considered a hit. In fact, that was probably why I was feeling so irritable right now. I forced myself to breathe and calm down, I only had to wait till it was night time, then I would be able to sneak off and take my reserves from the bathroom cabinet. I just had to be patient… 

Unfortunately for me, patience was not a virtue I possessed.

 

After about an hour, I was pacing up and down the hall way, feeling beads of sweat cling to my brow. I was stressed out from lack of speed, and the psychological torture of knowing that I would have to wait a whole day to get my speed was making me anxious.

After I stomped up the hall for the umpteenth time with Leeteuk watching me from the dining table. He called out to me, “Kyuhyun, you need to relax.”

I shot him a sharp look. “No.” 

He was the one who was causing all this mess in the first place, he had no right to tell me what to do. I started clenching and unclenching my teeth, letting them grind against each other to try and release some of my anxiety. I glared at the clock as if it was the reason for my building stress. There were still about 10 hours until I could get my fix… 10 whole hours.

 

By the sixth hour I was panting.

By the seventh hour I was shaking. 

By the eight hour I was throwing up the contents of my stomach into the bathroom sink.

I groaned as I lifted my head out of the sink, turning on the faucet to wash away my bile. I felt like death turned over then beaten with a stick repeatedly – and this wasn’t even the worst of it. This was just the beginning. I heard the front door snap open, but I didn’t lift my head from the sink. I was too delirious to even care right now.

I stuck my head under the cold tap water, hoping it would take the edge off my blaring headache. I stayed there for quite a while, just letting the cool water run over me in a relaxing motion. I didn’t even care that the water was so cold it was turning my lips blue. I heard the door open and Leeteuk call my name. I reluctantly turned the faucet off and stepped back from the sink, letting my wet hair drip onto the floor and seep into my clothes.

Leeteuk just gave me an exasperated look and grabbed a towel from the cabinet. I felt my heart stop for a minute. That’s where my drugs were. If he found them then, I would be in even deeper shit than I was in now. I sighed in relief when he pulled out the towel without discovering my hidden speed. He placed the towel over my head, blinding me and ruffling it around to dry my hair. He left the towel there as I heard him walk out of the room. I yanked the towel of my head angrily. He was treating me like I was some kind of kid that needed looking after. Leeteuk returned with a set of pyjamas and threw them to me.

“Get changed, we’re eating dinner soon.”

I gave him the finger when he shut the door, pissed off at his calm demeanour. Everything was just that extra bit annoying today. I suddenly had a stroke of genius. If I just took a bit of the speed now, it would most likely take away the worst of it.

Leeteuk wouldn’t have to know, I’d just fake the symptoms of withdrawal.

I smirked to myself as I threw the dry clothes to the side, unlatching the bag I’d stuck to the top of the cabinets with sticky tape. I opened the bag hastily, not even bothering to line it up properly like I always did. This was an emergency, I didn’t have the time for that. I sat on the counter because my hands and legs were shaking so much I needed some kind of stabilisation. I blocked my left nostril and took a deep breath in, feeling the speed run through my nasal cavity.

My eyes rolled into the back of my head at the pleasurable feeling and groaned happily to myself.

I leaned back on the counter, my back hitting the wall behind me. The sweet and pure relief that hit me was intoxicating. I felt like I couldn’t move, and that every part of me was made of jelly. Even thinking became harder. I frowned a little to myself. How much did I take? Why was everything I touched so cold? I felt slow and sluggish, revelling in the feeling of the drug. I didn’t bother cleaning up the mess I had made. The packet lay half empty beside me, the contents spilling onto the counter and I was sure that remnants of the powder were left on my upper lip. I heard the door click open, but it didn’t register in my mind properly.

It was a door. It was open. Why was the door open? A person opened the door. Which person? Who? 

I lazily tilted my head to the side a little, getting a good look at who was at the door. Even after I had seen the face, it took a few moments to connect that it was Leeteuk who was standing there.

“Teukiieeeee…” I groaned out, having a lot of difficulty with my words.

Leeteuk just stared at me with cold eyes. He was biting his lip but besides that his expression was calm. Or maybe that was just the drugs making him seem calm. I didn’t know. Leeteuk walked towards me slowly, his eyes transfixed on mine. I wasn’t sure if I remembered how to move my eyes anymore. I couldn’t look away. Nothing made sense.

Leeteuk reached out and grabbed my shoulders, picking me up from my slumped position and made me sit up. He was gripping onto me, supporting my weight as my body swayed from side to side, unstable. Leeteuk still kept eye contact with me and lifted both of his shaky hands, gripping both sides of my face.

“Kyuhyunnie…” He spoke softly, he voice cracking and his lips twitching downwards. It took me a moment to register that he was crying.

There were tears rolling down his face.

He rested his forehead against mine, closing his eyes, his hands still on either side of my face. I could feel his uneven breaths against my skin and the shaking from his hands. His tears landed softly against my shirt as he just cried, saying my name over and over.

I didn’t know what to do.

Leeteuk leaned back, his face a mess. His eyes were rimmed red and his face was wet from the tears. He lifted his thumb and wiped my upper lip, getting rid of the remnants of the drug. He pushed the bag of drugs onto the floor, but I couldn’t find myself caring. All I cared about was the crying face of Leeteuk, another victim in my list. Another person I’d made cry.

Leeteuk tried to control his heaving sobs with little effect. “Kyuhyun… you have to… stop this now… alright?” He said between sobs.

I just stared at him, blank as a statue. I was a direct contrast to his sobbing form. There was no expression on my face, nothing. I was shut down, emotionally detached, blank.

“Please… please stop,” He hiccupped, staring me in the eye.

I felt my mouth turn down, the only emotion I had shown so far. “I can’t.” It was straight to the point, honest, like I was telling him that someone was dead and could never come back. It was irrefutable. It was true. I couldn’t. I can’t. I wont. Leeteuk just sent me this look that haunted me and chilled my bones to the core. 

There were no words that were able to explain the look he gave me. Was it… realisation? Guilt? Shock? I didn’t know. But it made me shiver. The pure and raw honesty of that look would haunt me forever. I knew that. I stared at him until I felt my eyes darkening and the world around me slide to a halt. The last thing that flashed through my mind before my vision blurred to darkness was that look on Leeteuk’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wise words of advice. Even if it sounds cruel, never trust and addict. Don't take them at their word because they'll lie to you again and again and again...


	26. Chapter 26

I felt something cool slap against the side of my face. I wanted to open my eyes and find the offending object but I couldn’t will my eyes to open. It felt as if my eyes were gummed together with glue and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get them to move.

Why was everything so hot?

I groaned loudly in frustration, unaware of what was happening. Nothing was making sense. Was I dead? Where was I? I finally was able to locate my hand and lift it from the floor that seemed far too icy to touch. The coolness of it was burning my skin. Why was it so cold? I could feel my heart beating at a million miles per hour.

I didn’t like this.

I didn’t like this at all.

It felt like the thoughts in my head were racing but none of them seemed to actually register with me. I had so many thoughts but they all seemed insignificant and irrelevant. I just wanted to know what it was so god damned hot. I attempted to open my mouth to say something, but all that came out was a series of noises I didn’t even know I could make. I felt something startlingly cool brush through my hair and I struggled to make sense of the sensations. After forcing my brain to think specifically about the repeated movement through my hair, I came to the conclusion that it was a hand.

Whose hand? I scrunched up my eyebrows, trying to think. Oh, it was Leeteuk. I vaguely remembered something happening earlier and Leeteuk being there beside me, but I couldn’t recall the specifics. How long ago was that? My perception of time was warped and I had no idea if only minutes had passed, or rather days. It just didn’t make sense.

I wanted to sleep. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be in my bed, safe.

I felt my body begin to slump once again but I felt a slapping sensation on my cheek once again which I now identified as Leeteuk’s hand. I frowned to myself, angry and irritable. Why wasn’t he letting my sleep?I finally figured out what muscles it required to open my eyes and peaked through my eye lashes. My vision was fuzzy but I wasn’t sure if that was because my contact lenses fell out or something else.

“Keep your eyes open for me, okay?”

I weakly lifted my arms and attempted to push Leeteuk away, but my efforts were so weak in comparison to his firmly in place body. I managed to blink my eyes open a little wider and gave him the best glare I could under the circumstances. I was sitting on the floor, my back pushed up against a wall. I wasn’t sure, but I thought the last time I checked I was on a bench.

Then again, I was barely coherent enough to remember my own name right now.

Leeteuk was murmuring things to me that I couldn’t hear. He wanted me to do something, but what? His words were too rushed and foreign for me to comprehend. I felt Leeteuk’s arms wrap around me than a weightless sensation took over my body. I was floating. I didn’t know I could do that. I felt my body connect with the floor again and I huffed a little in disappointment.

I didn’t have much time to register where I now was when a shockingly cold stream of water started pounding against my back. I was tempted to scream but Leeteuk put a firm hand on my jaw to stop me from crying out. Though the cold water was torturous against my skin, it brought a sense of clarity back to me. The fog that was clouding my brain lessened somewhat and I was now able to think a little more coherently. 

That didn’t make the situation any more pleasant, though.

If anything, it made me feel worse. Things were finally starting to make sense. I took too much. I was sick. Leeteuk saw me take some. Leeteuk was right beside me. Panic was beginning to overtake my senses when I realised the situation I was in. I’d fucked up. Again. I gripped onto the front of Leeteuk’s water stained shirt, attempting to convey my apologies through the contact. I wasn’t sure if he understood, but Leeteuk wrapped me in a hug. I felt shaking, but I wasn’t sure if it was me or him, or both. The cool water against my skin was jarring, and Leeteuk must’ve been feeling the same.

He must’ve been so cold.

I let my eyes flicker open through the running water, trying not to let it get in my eyes. I willed myself to look up at Leeteuk even though my head was aching and heavy. I wanted to see a familiar face. I wanted someone to tell me it was okay. The fear that I had previously been oblivious to was now crashing down on me as my thoughts became more coherent. I was freaked out and just wanted someone to comfort me. Leeteuk and I locked eyes and I felt a pang in my chest when I realised the water that was coming from his eyes had nothing to do with the steady downpour of the shower.

He was still crying – for me.

I reached arm up and placed the palm of it against his cheek, hoping to stop his tears. To my dismay, the tears just came more frequently. I belatedly realised the shaking I had felt before was coming from him – he was crying so badly that his body was shaking. Despite that, he never let a sound leave his lips except to comfort me. Leeteuk placed his hand over mine that rested on his face, nuzzling into the contact.

He just kept looking at me with that broken expression.

Leeteuk leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine, his cold skin burning against my hot body temperature. We stayed there for god knows long – my perception of time was completely out of whack – before he turned off the taps. I was thankful that the cold stream of water finally stopped assaulting me. It was beginning to make me shiver and I didn’t like it at all. Leeteuk helped me up as I was still too out of it to recall how I was supposed to walk on my own. Somehow, Leeteuk changed my clothes and dried my hair. I was still wrapped up in my own world, thinking of only one thing.

Sleep. I just wanted to sleep.

I felt weightless again as Leeteuk carried me to my bed, setting my down gently and pulling the covers around me. Through my blurred eyes, I barely made out Ryeowook observing the scene from his bed. He was half poised to get up, but sat down when Leeteuk told him not to worry.

“Are you sure? You were in there for a long time… Can I help?”

Leeteuk tried to leave me to walk over to Ryeowook but my arm shot out faster than I ever imagined I could move in this state, forcing him to stay. He sighed, but complied with my wishes and sat on the edge of my bed.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it for now, okay? Get some sleep.”

“But Hyung, what about you?” Ryeowook questioned with concern. I figured that Leeteuk didn’t really look the best right now after having to look after me. “I could help if -"

“Wookie,” Leeteuk intoned, “Go to sleep.”

I observed the two of them, trying to get a full understanding of their conversation through my unstable state. The only thing that stood out to me was sleep.

Sleep was nice.


	27. Chapter 27

Okay. So maybe I had a problem. 

Just a little one, though. It wasn’t anything serious, I could deal with it. I just needed the willpower to stop. After the events of last night, I found that incentive to get better. Teukie’s tears tipped me over the edge. I didn’t want to see him cry anymore.

Part of me actually wanted to stop using the drugs. 

The other part of me said, what are you doing? What problem? There’s nothing wrong, he’s tricking you.

Leeteuk’s face though… I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It made me want to crawl away and hide from the world – and that was precisely what I was doing. 

I sat on the roof of our apartment complex, staring up at the clouds and they floated by, minding their own business. I closed my eyes, letting the warm sun shine on me and relax every muscle in my body. I was still feeling somewhat dizzy from all the speed that I had taken last night but the sun seemed to be sucking away all the bad feelings I had like a sponge. Just as I thought I was going to drift off to sleep, I heard the door creak open behind me. I squeezed my eyes shut and just thought to myself, please don’t let that be Leeteuk. Thankfully, the person revealed themselves to be Sungmin when he called my name. I knew that distinctive voice anywhere. I sat up and smiled at him. Sungmin sat to the side of me, also revelling in the sun.

“Are you okay?” He asked after a silence in which we were just enjoying the warm weather.

I suddenly felt like I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to spill out every hardship I faced, tell him how difficult it was and how much hardships I went through. I just wanted him to know.

“Sungmin… I…” I trailed off, not knowing what to say. As soon as I opened my mouth, I didn’t want to continue talking. I knew he would see me in a different light after I had told him. If there was someone who I didn’t want to reveal my weak side to, it was Sungmin. He had always taken things kind of personally, and even though he acted like he was tough, I knew that he took things really seriously and mulled over them for days.

In some ways, I felt like I had to be strong for him. He got so depressed sometimes that I felt like I had to be his rock to show him that everything would be okay. If I suddenly sprung this on him, I thought that he could never lean on me again.

“Never mind.”

Sungmin just looked at me from the corner of his eye and smiled to me, “Just tell me when you’re ready, okay? I’ll always be here for you.”

I felt my lips turn up at his words, “Thanks.”

I lied down, resting my head on Sungmin’s lap. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt a connection with someone. Usually I was too out of it to really have a decent conversation with anyone. Maybe it was also because some part of me wanted to get better. It was as if my head was showing me what life could be like without the drugs. It was showing me the comfortable normalcy that I could have back once again. And God, did I want that back.

“Min,” I said, my eyes still closed and my head still resting on his lap. “Just promise me that when… things come to light, that you won’t hate me. Promise you’ll always be my friend.”

I felt Sungmin’s hand brush my hair out of my face, “Who else would I drink wine with?”

Light laughter escaped my lips, and Sungmin joined me. When was the last time I had laughed with my friends? When was the last time I ever actually had a conversation that didn’t involve me, or the other party getting mad? I honestly didn’t remember. And this just felt so nice. Being sober felt so nice.

“Have you seen Leeteuk-Hyung this morning?” I asked tentatively.

Sungmin hummed, “I did.”

I bit my lip, half wanting to hear the answer and half wanting to just ignore the problem and hope it would go away on its own, “Is he okay?”

Sungmin shifted in his position and I opened my eyes to look at him. He was staring down at me, his brow furrowed a little, “He did seem a little upset…”

I sighed and diverted my gaze from Sungmin’s face to the clouds again. “I was hoping he wouldn’t be,” I muttered more to myself than to Sungmin. Some part of me was just imagining that everything would be back to normal and Leeteuk would be his normal, cheery self. Apparently, that wasn’t how this was going to go. I should’ve known.

“I know I said tell me when you’re ready but… did something big happen?”

“You could say that…” I said warily, not really wanting to give out any details. I still wasn’t ready for that yet. “I guess we had a fight… sort of.”

“You had a sort-of fight? What kind of fight is that?” Sungmin questioned, confused.

I rubbed my hands over my face, “It wasn’t exactly a fight, more of a disagreement about… certain activities.”

“Activi-“

“You know what? Just don’t worry. You’ll figure it out soon enough,” I said, interrupting him. The scary thing was that soon enough, he would know. Whether it be from mine or Leeteuk’s mouth, eventually the truth would come out.Eventually everyone would know. I felt nervous already. Sungmin seemed disappointed that I wouldn’t tell him. His lost puppy look almost made me spill everything on the spot but I restrained myself knowing I would regret it later.

I would tell him. After I was clean.

Then I would come clean to everyone. I would tell them all when I was better. The only problem was, getting better. I had a long way to go, and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t sugar coat it. I knew it wasn’t going to be fun. I knew I was going to spend probably a week throwing up everything I ate and shaking non-stop for all that time. It wasn’t going to be pretty. The thing I worried about the most was my determination. I couldn’t do this on my own, that much I knew. I needed help, and I had to get it from the person I least wanted to see at the moment.

Leeteuk.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, this didn't turn out so nicely since I transferred it from another site. Oh well.

“I’m stopping.”

Leeteuk just gave me a dirty look. “I’m sure you are,” He snapped, turning his body away from me and facing the T.V in the living room that was showing a drama that neither of us had any interest in.

“I’m really, really stopping,” I said again, trying to convince him I was being serious.

There was an intense silence between us in which Leeteuk put his head in his hands and groaned. “You have to commit to it this time,” he ordered coolly, turning to face me.

I nodded in compliance and he seemed somewhat pleased. “Is everything gone?”

“You threw the last of it away,” I confirmed.

Leeteuk looked like he didn’t really believe me. “I’m going to look anyway, please understand,” he told me. I sighed knowing that I didn’t have his full trust, but acquiesced anyway. I hadn’t done anything to deserve his trust and he had absolutely no obligation to trust me after what I had done. I knew that, but it still hurt a bit.

 

After Leeteuk had confirmed there he couldn’t find anything, he looked a little more relieved and left the house for his schedule, telling me to keep safe and out of trouble. I just nodded weakly and let the anxiety rise up as the hours ticked by. Right now, I was okay. It was later that I was really worried about. I had a schedule with Yesung, Ryeowook, Leeteuk and Heechul later on, and worst of all – it was a talk show. We were expected to be lively and energetic, but I wasn’t even sure I would be able to say anything.

I knew that I would be going through the first stage of withdrawals at that point. I considered just taking more today and starting tomorrow, but I restrained myself and figured that I would have a similar problem tomorrow. If I kept delaying things, nothing would ever come of it.

I needed to start now.

I sat in my bed, laptop in hand and Starcraft at the ready. If I was going to wait this out, I was going to do it while gaming, god damn it. I played nonstop for as long as possible before we finally had to go out to schedules. My hands were beginning to shake and my anxiety wasn’t doing anything to help, either. The symptoms shouldn’t have been too bad right now, but because of the stress of going on T.V, I felt much more paranoid and sensitive. We reached the studio and I did my best to smile for the camera even thought I was dying a little inside. My body didn’t feel too bad right now, but I couldn’t account for how it would feel a few hours from now while we were still recording.

If it wasn’t for Leeteuk, I was sure I would’ve completely screwed up during the show. Leeteuk did what he could to involve me in show seeing as I wasn’t exactly actively participating.

 

I was nervous the whole time, and after about two hours, my hands were shaking more than I could control and a sweat was breaking out on my forehead. I just tried to stay silent, laugh along with the crowd, and avoid any questions that involved Super Junior. I was pretty lucky to have Leeteuk and Heechul there with me since they took most of the spot light.

“Kyuhyun-ssi,” An MC called and I felt my insides twisting in nervousness. I just hoped it wasn’t showing on my face. “I heard about your accident, are you doing well?”

I just put on my best smile and nodded, “Yes, I’m recovering thanks to my hyung’s always taking care of me.”

“Do they ever get annoying?” The MC joked.

I forced myself to laugh and pull a face, “A little.” 

The crowd laughed and thankfully the MC moved on. Leeteuk shot me a glance and gave me an almost invisible nod. I sighed in relief, putting my hands between my legs to hide the shaking. I just smiled for the rest of the broadcast, and thankfully it came to a close. After the show had finished, all the members at the show climbed in our van, even Heechul. Although he didn’t live with us, the manager had to take him to his next schedule.

When the car was started and we were driving, Heechul pointed to me. “Ya, what’s up with you? You’re shaking all over the place!” He commented.

The rest of the members in the car took note of my state and shot me worried looks, especially Leeteuk who placed a comforting hand on my back. 

I just shook my head a bit, feeling an intense headache come on, “I’m just a bit sick.”

Heechul frowned, “If you’re that sick then stay home! Do you want to make us all sick too?” 

I just bowed my head in apology. I knew that this was Heechul’s way of showing he was concerned, but right now his words were just irritating me and hurting my head.

“Really…” he muttered under his breath at my lack of response.

 

On the car ride home, my shaking took a sudden turn for the worse and now it wasn’t just my hands that were shaking, but my arms and torso too. It was like someone had thrown me into a pool of icy water than exposed me to freezing winds. It was uncontrollable. I hopped out of the van as quickly as possible when we made it to the dorm, just wanting to be inside the safety of my home. Leeteuk raced to catch up with me, leaving a confused Yesung and Ryeowook to make the way up by themselves.

Upon opening the front door, I came face to face with Sungmin who just gave me a weird look, obviously taking in my not so healthy state.

“Are you okay?” he questioned.

“Fine,” I retorted, pushing past him so I could just be in the safety of my room. The uncomfortable itch that was always present whenever I hadn’t taken any speed for too long was there, taunting and teasing me. I had the urge to dig my nails into my back and just scratch away at the skin, but I still had some rationality left. I crashed onto my bed, not bothering to pull up the covers and just let myself shake and be miserable. Leeteuk joined me shortly after and rubbed soothing circles into my back, occasionally running his hands through my hair. His actions were comforting, but I didn’t know when I was just going to decide to snap.

“No matter what I say, don’t get mad,” I pleaded through chattering teeth.

Leeteuk just sent me a benign smile, “Of course I won’t.”

 

Leeteuk had ended up fetching a bucket for me after I said I was sick, and the bucket was currently half full. Leeteuk pushed a straw into my reluctant mouth. I attempted to hit it aside, but Leeteuk was being extremely persistent. In the end, I just gave up and drank the damn thing. The water was cool against my dry throat and I instantly felt grateful for it. Before I had finished drinking, Leeteuk ripped the straw from my mouth. I glared at him, “I’m not finished.”

He just shook his head, “If you have too much at once, you’ll throw up again.”

I sat up angrily, my weak body being more sluggish than I would’ve liked. “I said I wasn’t finished! This is my body, why do you always act like you have control over it?” I screamed at him.

Leeteuk just gave me a worried look and pushed me back down. I glared daggers at him but stayed in a laying position. I didn’t really have the strength to get up. I was beginning to writhe all over the place. The stomach cramps that I had were getting increasingly painful and I felt like someone was hitting my stomach repeatedly with a bat. My legs were shifting up and down and kicking at nothing in frustration from the pain and need.

Oh god, the need.

“J-just get me one more… so I can ease myself off, alright? I-I can give you the a-address, okay?”

Leeteuk just stayed silent.

“I just need one more hit… I JUST NEED ONE MORE!”

Leeteuk just continued to rub circles into my back. I felt so frustrated that I just wanted to grab him and scream in his face and tell him to fuck off. I heard Ryeowook walk into the room so I buried my sweaty face into the pillow.

“I brought a wet towel,” he announced. Leeteuk and Ryeowook were obviously having some kind of silent discussion without me. It irritated me.

Everything irritated me.

 

I was screaming. Shouting. My throat was dry. “Just let me die,” I pleaded through my raw, scratchy throat. “Kill me.”

Leeteuk just set his jaw and put a hand over my mouth. “Shut up.”

 

Its societies fault if you really think about it because they’re the ones that put this misery onto us whether intentionally or not because they suck out our souls when they tell us it WORK WORK WORK but I just want to SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP because I’m so fucking tired all the time from this world and everything in it so in a way everything in this world comes back to society so we can’t be blamed for our mishaps when they force this on us because IT’S NOT OUR FAULT we didn’t CHOOSE TO BE THIS WAY WHEN WE ARE THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD AND NOTHING CAN ST-

 

Can you hear those snapping sounds? That’s my mind. That’s my mind. It’s snapping. It’s on fire. It’s BURNING. BURNING BURNING BURNING. IT HURTS. I CAN’T TAKE THIS! IT HUR-

 

Tell us what we need? What do we need? I know what we don’t need. It’s this fucking pain. The itch the need the hate and love and everything in between. We don’t need this.

We don’t need TELEVISION

IDOLS

DANCING

REALTIONSHIPS

FRIENDS

HOMES

MONEY

CARS

TAXES

JOBS

SICKNESS THAT GROWS AND GROWS

ITS SO NICE TO MEET YOU

FUCK YOU

I’LL MEET HER AND WE’LL MARRY AND THEN WE’LL have kids we’ll have two kids and they’ll

both be boys but we’ll have a third whose a girl.

 

What’s the time… what’s the fucking time?

 

H

It hurts. It hurts. You dont understand. Take me away I dont want to be HERE anymore. I’ve never felt this LOW before. This is shit SHIT

help I see Leeteuk tomorrow maybe i'll be happy tomorrow. I just don’t know because I can’t track my moods because one minute im happythenext I hate EVERYTHING

I don’t want to move because I’m so tired and HATEFUL this is my MENTAL STATE of MIND. Im fucking batshit okay?

im shivering. is it cold. I want to do it again today. Im in the mood. Ithink. Im not sure.

I think im cold. Its WINTER.there goosesbumps. Take meto a hospital

PLEASSEEeEEEEEEEEeEEeE. I feel sick

 

Are you going to kill me now?

 

E

Chit chat in the corners of my mind. Like I care. I can’t hear you. I. CAN’T. HEAR. YOU. help Are you proud? Are you happy I’ve lost it? I am. I’m so unbearably happy that I wish I could cut the life out of me. Come share my happiness.

 

Am I asleep? I can’t remember. Is this sleeeeeeeep?

L

It’s not over. I can’t open my eyes. Everything hurts. I just want to die already. I just want them to rip out my tongue and let me bleedpeacefully. I just want them to let me go. Let me go. Let the expectations go. But I can’t do that. Leeteuk knows that best. He’s my leader he knows best. He knows what’s best for me. Does he? I don’t know anymore. I can’t THINK. help 

 

It’s a twisted mess when things turn out like this. Like what? Like this. What’s this? It’s this.

 

help 

 

ifyoujustletmedietheniwilldoyouthatfavourbutcanyoujustgetoutofmyHEADbecauseicantstandyoubeingheresojus

tGETOUTrightnowokaydoyouunderstandwhatimtellingyoubecauseidontthinkyoudoyoudontunderstandyoucantunderstandhaveyoubeenhereyoudontknowmeNOONEknowsME

 

I groaned in frustration. I didn’t know how long this had been going on for, but I sure as hell hoped I didn’t have much longer to go. This was agony.

 

P

Am I awake? I can’t remember.

 

I saw the beginnings of sunlight filter through the shut curtains. How long had I slept? I groaned and sat up, putting my head in my hands. Everything was fuzzy. Everything was still hurting. I hated this. It was feeling a hell of a lot better than before, but it was still no walk in the park. Every time I moved I felt like my bones were cracking. I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep for just a little longer.

 

I was so tired…


	29. Chapter 29

This was the part that no one ever told you about. ‘The withdrawals will last up to several days before subsiding.’

It wasn’t the withdrawals I was concerned about now. It was the fact that after you stopped, you felt so fucking low that you just wanted to kill yourself. You just want that one hit to stop the boredom. Nothing could excite me or even interest me in the slightest. The things that I liked when I was on speed now were dull and bleak and I wondered how the hell I even got enjoyment from those things in the first place. I hated singing. I hated Starcraft. I hated dramas. Everything was just… dull. I felt like I was watching a black and white movie with no sound, subtitles, or anyone attractive to look at.

This was what was the worst thing about withdrawing was. This depression.

I could barely even lift myself out of bed, let alone get anything productive done. Sometimes Leeteuk would come in and just talk to me, but all I could do was stare at him with a blank expression. I knew that I scared him sometimes, but I didn’t really care. He could be scared all he liked. I doubted I would ever feel real happiness or excitement again, I was just going to have to fake every single happy emotion for the rest of my life. It was impossible to be happy about anything.

Sometimes I got fits of random anger that just made me explode to whoever was close to me, which was mainly Leeteuk and Ryeowook. I think Leeteuk must’ve told Ryeowook something, because every time I got angry at him he would just smile at me and try to calm me down. That scared me, to be honest. I didn’t know how much he knew, but it scared me knowing that he knew something.

 

I must’ve fallen asleep because the first thing I noticed was Leeteuk shaking my shoulder gently. I stared up at him in annoyance and turned the other way. Leeteuk, however, was not going to give up. He took a seat on the bed to my side and lay down with me, staring up at the ceiling. I felt a bit confused since Leeteuk wasn’t really the type to go all cuddly on someone, but here he was.

“I thought a lot about what you said,” he began, sounding more than just a little awkward.

I turned around a little to face him in confusion, “What did I say?”

“Remember that day in the car park when we fought? You said that… it was my fault,” He explained. “Well, I thought about it and I…” He took a deep breath and craned his neck so he was looking at me, “I’m sorry. I never realised that it was so hard for you.”

I gaped at him with my mouth wide open. Did he really just say what I thought he did?

“When I think about it, it’s basically my fault isn’t it? I was just so worried about our comeback that sometimes I forgot how much pain you were in and I didn’t mean to make you feel like that-“

“Stop,” I interrupted. “It’s not your fault… it’s mine. You were right when you said I brought it on myself. I really did.” I fisted the blanket in my hand and looked up to the ceiling. “Don’t blame yourself.”

Leeteuk bit his lip and put his hand over mine, “I guess we’re both partially to blame.”

I felt my lips turn up a little for the first time in what felt like forever. “That’s true.”

Honestly, up until Leeteuk walked into the room, I was still blaming him in my mind. It just seemed like he never cared that he was ruining my confidence and screaming at me for every little thing I did wrong. I really thought that he just didn’t care.

But now after he told me what he felt… I couldn’t hate him. I just couldn’t blame him anymore.


	30. Chapter 30

People say that it’s when you’re beginning to get better you feel the worst, and I for one, whole heartedly agree. When you start to realise what you’re doing is wrong, you realise what a mess you’ve made. You look back and realise what an idiot you were and just want to hit yourself. Getting better was the worst.

 

I was on my way to speak with Leeteuk when a loud voice stopped me in my tracks.

“YAH Cho Kyuhyun!”

I whipped around quickly, startled by Kangin’s voice. “Yes?” I muttered nervously.

Kangin raced up to me and held me by the collar, “Do you realise what you’ve done, brat?” He boomed.

I shrank under his murderous gaze, unsure of what I had done to receive that kind of look.

“You don’t know?” He scoffed derisively, “Typical selfish Maknae behaviour. Yah, because of you, Leeteuk missed his schedule and I had to fill in for him. Do you know what that means, Cho Kyuhyun? Can you even comprehend the amount of trouble that he will be in?” Kangin barked, not taking his eyes off mine. I squirmed a bit in an attempt to get free, but Kangin’s iron grip held me still.

“S-Sorry,” I stuttered out.

Kangin rolled his eyes, “Really, this kid…” Kangin let go of the front of my shirt and gave me the scariest death glare I’d ever received. “Think about what you’ve done.”

Even after Kangin left the room, I was still shaking uncontrollably. How was I supposed to know that? I didn’t know! I tried to calm myself down by reasoning that they didn’t know my situation and they were only reacting because they thought it was all my fault… Which, admittedly, it was. I was still shaking when I entered the kitchen twenty minutes later to get a glass of water. I couldn’t calm down no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it was okay – because somewhere in my mind, I knew it wasn’t. Why did people always have to suffer because of me? It would’ve been better if someone in this world who died early and lived life to the fullest survived and I could’ve died in their place.

The world didn’t need people like me. I was a waste of space.

My thoughts were interrupted when the glass cup I was holding slipped out of my hands from the shaking and shattered onto the floor. I jerked in surprise when I heard someone yelp in pain. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t even realise there was another person in the room with me. I looked up to see Ryeowook holding his ankle, a small bubble of blood appearing. I felt my stomach clench in guilt, just because of me, just because I existed, other people had to get hurt.

“I’m so s-sorry,” I cried, rushing over with a tissue to help Ryeowook.

“Kyuhyun! Why are you so clumsy lately?” Yesung shouted defensively, looking at Ryeowook with worried eyes.

I just bowed several times and reached down to place the tissue on Ryeowook’s cut.

“It’s okay, I can do it Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook offered, leaning down and attending to his cut. “It barely hurts anyway, I was just shocked,” He reassured, giving me a bright smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

Yesung just rolled his eyes. “What if you injured him? It’s bad enough that you’re ruining our schedules, you don’t have to make other people suffer too,” Yesung bit out.

I looked down in shame.

“Yesung,” Ryeowook warned under his breath.

Yesung just leaned forward and put a band-aid on his leg, “You’re just lucky it wasn’t more serious.”

I bowed and apologised a few more times before evacuating the room, not being able to take his condescending stare.

I was letting everyone down like it was my speciality. I walked into my room and put my head in my hands, an intense headache coming on. I knew it had been a while since I had last taken the speed, and that really wasn’t making matters any better. I was already feeling like shit, but now the added withdrawals weren’t making anything better in the slightest.

I was just going to take a bit. Just a bit.

I thought I vaguely heard someone saying my name, but ignored it. I was so immersed in my own little world right now that I wasn’t completely aware of my surroundings. I fished in my bag and yanked it out with force. Just then, I felt an arm grapple onto mine. I felt panic well up inside of me and accidently dropped the tin on the floor. Before I could react, the person had picked it up.

“What’s this?” Sungmin asked. I reached down to snatch it out of his hands but he was way faster than I would ever be. His martial arts training really paid off.

“Give it back,” I whined, feeling pathetic and desperate.

Sungmin just raised an eyebrow then let a small smirk pull the corner of his lips up. “Oh-ho? What’s in here that’s so important to you?”

“Sungmin, seriously, give it back!” I yelled out, trying to scare him into handing the tin back. Sungmin, however, was having none of that and was treating the whole thing like a game. I lurched forward and made to snatch it from his grip, however I only succeeded in knocking it out of his hands. The tin tumbled through the air and hit the ground with a smack, the lid breaking off in the process.

I saw the little bag fall to the side and sit there innocently as if it wasn’t trying to ruin my life. I measured Sungmin’s reaction and saw his smile drop almost instantly when he caught sight of the bag. He charged forward, and I didn’t even bother stopping him. At this point I just… didn’t care. He had probably already seen it and there was nothing I could do. As usual, I was helpless.

I couldn’t find it in myself to worry anymore. I felt… numb.

Sungmin picked the bag up and inspected it with shaking hands. “Kyu… Kyuhyun what is this?” He questioned seriously, his voice shaking in the slightest.

“Don’t hate me,” I mumbled, taking a sudden interest in the wall to the right of me, holding my arms around my chest defensively. There was nothing else I could say. Everything he was thinking about me right now was probably true. He thought I was disgusting.

Sungmin covered his mouth in shock, “K-Kyuhyun, you...” He ran out of the room hurriedly, taking the bag with him.

I wanted a hit before, but right now I couldn’t even find myself being concerned in the least. I laughed a little to myself. It was pathetic, really. I was really pathetic. No one on this Earth needed me anymore. My parents didn’t need me, my members didn’t need me, my friends didn’t need me… not even my company needed me. If I was gone, there were twelve others that could replace me. I was a useless waste of space. In retrospect, I should’ve done this earlier.

It wasn’t like I was doing any good in the months that I stayed alive.

I was really laughable, you know?

I finally couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel remorse, anger, shame or hurt. I was completely numb. I felt like my head was spinning. I was so out of it I couldn’t think rationally. I only had one thing on my mind right then, and I was determined to make it happen.

I stumbled out of my room, barely able to feel my legs, and made my way to the kitchen. Luckily when I got there, it was deserted. Where was everyone? I didn’t even know what the time was. I mustered up all my strength to pull open the cutlery drawer. Every little action felt like it was using up all my strength. I picked out what I needed and closed the door, heading over to the sink.

I put the knife to my wrist and smiled.


	31. Chapter 31

People say that it’s when you’re beginning to get better you feel the worst, and I for one, whole heartedly agree. When you start to realise what you’re doing is wrong, you realise what a mess you’ve made. You look back and realise what an idiot you were and just want to hit yourself. Getting better was the worst.

 

I was on my way to speak with Leeteuk when a loud voice stopped me in my tracks.

“YAH Cho Kyuhyun!”

I whipped around quickly, startled by Kangin’s voice. “Yes?” I muttered nervously.

Kangin raced up to me and held me by the collar, “Do you realise what you’ve done, brat?” He boomed.

I shrank under his murderous gaze, unsure of what I had done to receive that kind of look.

“You don’t know?” He scoffed derisively, “Typical selfish Maknae behaviour. Yah, because of you, Leeteuk missed his schedule and I had to fill in for him. Do you know what that means, Cho Kyuhyun? Can you even comprehend the amount of trouble that he will be in?” Kangin barked, not taking his eyes off mine. I squirmed a bit in an attempt to get free, but Kangin’s iron grip held me still.

“S-Sorry,” I stuttered out.

Kangin rolled his eyes, “Really, this kid…” Kangin let go of the front of my shirt and gave me the scariest death glare I’d ever received. “Think about what you’ve done.”

Even after Kangin left the room, I was still shaking uncontrollably. How was I supposed to know that? I didn’t know! I tried to calm myself down by reasoning that they didn’t know my situation and they were only reacting because they thought it was all my fault… Which, admittedly, it was. I was still shaking when I entered the kitchen twenty minutes later to get a glass of water. I couldn’t calm down no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it was okay – because somewhere in my mind, I knew it wasn’t. Why did people always have to suffer because of me? It would’ve been better if someone in this world who died early and lived life to the fullest survived and I could’ve died in their place.

The world didn’t need people like me. I was a waste of space.

My thoughts were interrupted when the glass cup I was holding slipped out of my hands from the shaking and shattered onto the floor. I jerked in surprise when I heard someone yelp in pain. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t even realise there was another person in the room with me. I looked up to see Ryeowook holding his ankle, a small bubble of blood appearing. I felt my stomach clench in guilt, just because of me, just because I existed, other people had to get hurt.

“I’m so s-sorry,” I cried, rushing over with a tissue to help Ryeowook.

“Kyuhyun! Why are you so clumsy lately?” Yesung shouted defensively, looking at Ryeowook with worried eyes.

I just bowed several times and reached down to place the tissue on Ryeowook’s cut.

“It’s okay, I can do it Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook offered, leaning down and attending to his cut. “It barely hurts anyway, I was just shocked,” He reassured, giving me a bright smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

Yesung just rolled his eyes. “What if you injured him? It’s bad enough that you’re ruining our schedules, you don’t have to make other people suffer too,” Yesung bit out.

I looked down in shame.

“Yesung,” Ryeowook warned under his breath.

Yesung just leaned forward and put a band-aid on his leg, “You’re just lucky it wasn’t more serious.”

I bowed and apologised a few more times before evacuating the room, not being able to take his condescending stare.

I was letting everyone down like it was my speciality. I walked into my room and put my head in my hands, an intense headache coming on. I knew it had been a while since I had last taken the speed, and that really wasn’t making matters any better. I was already feeling like shit, but now the added withdrawals weren’t making anything better in the slightest.

I was just going to take a bit. Just a bit.

I thought I vaguely heard someone saying my name, but ignored it. I was so immersed in my own little world right now that I wasn’t completely aware of my surroundings. I fished in my bag and yanked it out with force. Just then, I felt an arm grapple onto mine. I felt panic well up inside of me and accidently dropped the tin on the floor. Before I could react, the person had picked it up.

“What’s this?” Sungmin asked. I reached down to snatch it out of his hands but he was way faster than I would ever be. His martial arts training really paid off.

“Give it back,” I whined, feeling pathetic and desperate.

Sungmin just raised an eyebrow then let a small smirk pull the corner of his lips up. “Oh-ho? What’s in here that’s so important to you?”

“Sungmin, seriously, give it back!” I yelled out, trying to scare him into handing the tin back. Sungmin, however, was having none of that and was treating the whole thing like a game. I lurched forward and made to snatch it from his grip, however I only succeeded in knocking it out of his hands. The tin tumbled through the air and hit the ground with a smack, the lid breaking off in the process.

I saw the little bag fall to the side and sit there innocently as if it wasn’t trying to ruin my life. I measured Sungmin’s reaction and saw his smile drop almost instantly when he caught sight of the bag. He charged forward, and I didn’t even bother stopping him. At this point I just… didn’t care. He had probably already seen it and there was nothing I could do. As usual, I was helpless.

I couldn’t find it in myself to worry anymore. I felt… numb.

Sungmin picked the bag up and inspected it with shaking hands. “Kyu… Kyuhyun what is this?” He questioned seriously, his voice shaking in the slightest.

“Don’t hate me,” I mumbled, taking a sudden interest in the wall to the right of me, holding my arms around my chest defensively. There was nothing else I could say. Everything he was thinking about me right now was probably true. He thought I was disgusting.

Sungmin covered his mouth in shock, “K-Kyuhyun, you...” He ran out of the room hurriedly, taking the bag with him.

I wanted a hit before, but right now I couldn’t even find myself being concerned in the least. I laughed a little to myself. It was pathetic, really. I was really pathetic. No one on this Earth needed me anymore. My parents didn’t need me, my members didn’t need me, my friends didn’t need me… not even my company needed me. If I was gone, there were twelve others that could replace me. I was a useless waste of space. In retrospect, I should’ve done this earlier.

It wasn’t like I was doing any good in the months that I stayed alive.

I was really laughable, you know?

I finally couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel remorse, anger, shame or hurt. I was completely numb. I felt like my head was spinning. I was so out of it I couldn’t think rationally. I only had one thing on my mind right then, and I was determined to make it happen.

I stumbled out of my room, barely able to feel my legs, and made my way to the kitchen. Luckily when I got there, it was deserted. Where was everyone? I didn’t even know what the time was. I mustered up all my strength to pull open the cutlery drawer. Every little action felt like it was using up all my strength. I picked out what I needed and closed the door, heading over to the sink.

I put the knife to my wrist and smiled.


	32. Chapter 32

Just… Just let this be the end. I don’t want to suffer anymore.

I just want to be put down like the animal I was. Peacefully, so there was no more pain, so I could rest. I stared at the knife that was lowered to my wrist, contemplating any second thoughts I might’ve had – but nothing came to mind. Right now, all I could think of was my desperate need to just disappear. I pushed the knife down marginally and watched as a few drops of blood dripped out, a stark contrast to my pale skin. I always disliked seeing blood, but right now in the dimly lit kitchen, it looked beautiful.

The image in my mind that this blood was my life, and my life was leaving me made me shudder in content. It was a morbid thought, I’ll admit. I pushed down a little harder and watched the rivulets of blood drip slowly onto the ground. I frowned in confusion when I realised that I could barely feel what was going on. Not only was I emotionally numb, but I was physically numb, too.

I just needed to push a little harder… further… deeper.

I felt my head spin round and round as the blood flow increased. My legs wobbled unsteadily and I lost my strength, dropping to my knees. I dropped the knife to the side of me just staring at my mutilated arm. I was... scared?

Was that a twinge of regret I felt?

Everything was getting a bit darker. The pain that I couldn’t previously feel was now making itself obvious as I began to panic after what I’d done.

Why did I do this?

My lips felt cold and dry, but I forced them open. “T-Teukie…” I called weakly, half-knowing it was futile but still hoping he would come to my rescue. My eyes stung with tears, “Help me…”

No-one was here. No-one was listening. I was alone.

Even through my foggy conscious, my ears perked up when I heard the sound of rushed footsteps near the kitchen. “Help,” I whined softly, wishing I could speak up louder. My dread rose tenfold when I heard the footsteps pass by the kitchen and make their way down the hall. I felt my stomach sink in hopelessness. I attempted to stand up but my efforts were in vain. I could barely sit down without falling, let alone get up and start walking. The tears I had brimming in my eyes from fear were now overflowing.

I shouldn’t have done this.

I turned my head to the side when I heard footsteps make their way down the hall again, but this time it sounded like there was more than one person.“Teukie!” I called, successfully projecting my voice a bit louder than before when the pair passed by the kitchen.

I heard the footsteps halt and I was convinced I was going to black out right then and there from relief and blood loss. I called his name again and the pair of feet started to come closer. I looked to the floor and finally stared at the mess I had made. All across the floor where I was sitting, blood was pooled on the floor. My jeans were stained red around the knees where they touched the floor. This wasn’t going to be a pleasant sight.

“KYUHYUN!” Leeteuk yelled, rushing forward to grab my arm just under the cut, attempting to block the blood flow. Now that he was here, I was beginning to feel even dizzier than before. Leeteuk repositioned himself so he was sitting behind me, legs on either side of my body to keep me from slumping over. I started shivering, regretting what I had done.

“Sungmin get something to tie around his arm,” Leeteuk commanded in a shaking voice.

“T-Teukie-Hyung… I’m tired,” I moaned, leaning back and relaxing into him.

“I know, but you have to stay awake, okay?” He pleaded anxiously, stroking my hair with his free hand. Sungmin returned and tied a shirt tie just below the wound and pressed a dry rag on the cut.

“We have to take him to the hospital,” Sungmin demanded.

Leeteuk shifted uncomfortably behind me, “Sungmin… our image… we can’t just-“

“DAMN IT LEETEUK, HE’LL DIE IF WE DON’T!” Sungmin screamed, none of his usual calm demeanour shining through. I lifted my head slightly and looked at Sungmin in the eye, trying to convey what I was feeling.

Please don’t let me die.

I don't want to die. 

“He’s scared… We need to take him right now,” Sungmin said, staring Leeteuk straight in the eye.

“… Okay,” Leeteuk acceded. “Okay so get the phone and call an ambulance.” He lifted me off the floor and my head started spinning even more intensely than before. I felt detatched from my body right then, like everything that was happening was just a movie and I was watching the main character suffer, not me. None of this felt real in the slightest.

I was barely holding onto my consciousness when I heard a voice that made me heart sink. “W-w-what’s happening,” Ryeowook stuttered in fear. Ryeowook had always been good to me, he was always the person who was consistently there waiting for me to get better and helping me every step along the way. If there was anyone that I didn’t want to see me in this shameful state, it was him. 

Leeteuk paused mid-step to look back at the eternal maknae before returning to his initial wide strides, “Come with us.”

Ryeowook scampered behind, “Is he o-okay? Why is there so much blood…?”

“Of course he’s not okay!” Sungmin shouted and took a deep breath, “I…" He tried, "…I’m sure you can see for yourself."

Their conversation dulled in my ears as the blackness took over and blinded me to any sights and noise. 

 

I can see. Car. I’m in a car. “…Texted the members… here soon.”

 

So many needles. Beep. Beep. Beep. Shaking. Wheels. 

 

I’m in the air. I can see Leeteuk looking at me sadly. “Stay strong, Kyuhyun-ah. We love you…”

 

I’m being wheeled somewhere. “…A positive… emergency room to… losing too much blood! We nee-“


	33. Chapter 33

“How are you feeling?”

I startled and attempted to open my eyes before realising that I had already opened them.

"How long have I been awake for?" I asked, out of it.

“About… a minute or so,” She said looking at the clock on the wall in front of me.

“Oh…” I mumbled confused. I didn’t even realise that I was awake before then.

“You were asking for your friend the whole time,” She informed me, a small smile tugging on her lips. I blushed a dark red, wondering whose name I was calling so pathetically.

“You kept asking me if Leeteuk is here yet.”

I raised my arms to put my hands over my eyes but stopped when I noticed my bandaged up arm. I stared down at it in confusion before the implications of what I had just done hit me.

I… I tried to kill myself.

I tried to… oh my god.

My breathing sped up and the nurse stood up, adjusting a few buttons while telling me to take deep breaths and relax. I got my breathing under control, but my mind was nowhere near my physical state.

I failed. This was the one thing that I was counting on doing right… and I failed. I felt a twinge of happiness rise up that I was still alive, but tried to squash it and failed miserably. I shouldn’t be happy that I’m alive. I should be dead right now. I felt a mix of emotions run through me and I wasn’t able to decide whether I was happy or upset that I was still alive. Half of me was so relieved that I could live to see another day, while the other half was berating myself for not doing a better job.

The happiness was prevailing at the moment, but I did everything I could to stop that happiness. I didn’t deserve that happiness. The nurse quickly explained everything to me, telling me my condition and that my members were outside there waiting for me.

“Would you like them to come in?” She asked politely.

I looked down at my lap, biting my lip. There was only one person that I wanted to see, and that person was, “Leeteuk. I just want to see him.”

The nurse bowed and left the room, coming back with Leeteuk than leaving us alone for some privacy. I averted my gaze and looked at my feet under the blankets. I lifted my head a little and took in his expression; it was completely blank and unreadable.

“You’re an idiot,” Leeteuk deadpanned, staring me down accusingly.

I bit my lip and looked at my lap in shame. I know. "I want to get better.”

Leeteuk just scoffed, “Don’t lie. You expect me to believe that after what you did?”

“It’s not a lie… I’m not lying,” I pleaded, trying to get him to realise I was being truthful, “I… I really want to get better.”

Maybe it was the sincerity of my words or my pathetic expression, but Leeteuk softened a little, “Really? You promise you’ll do this?”

I nodded my head vigorously. “I promise… So please help me,” I begged.

Leeteuk walked closer to me and put a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him finally, feeling his acceptance through his touch. His eyes were watering and a proud smile was etched onto his face. “Thank you.”

I reached out my left hand and latched onto his shirt.

“I failed…” I mumbled out, tears falling down my cheeks. “I… failed.”

I wasn’t even sure if I was happy or sad, all I knew is that right now I was alive. I was alive and I could live to see tomorrow. I could sing again, dance, laugh, cry and live. I was going to finally start living.

Leeteuk sat on the edge of my bed and wrapped me in a warm embrace. “I know.”

“I – couldn’t even – stop,” I said, my words coming out like gasps through my sobs. “I’m a failure. Can’t do – anything right. I’m better off – dead. My parents hate me… you hate me. I’m a waste – of space.”

Leeteuk’s arms tightened around me as I spoke. “Never say that. We love you, we all believe in you. I know for a fact that your parents love you, okay? I know that all the members love you, too. You… You don’t even know how much you mean to us,” Leeteuk comforted, his voice sounding almost as raspy as mine. “You just have to keep trying, okay?”

I wanted to speak, but my tears were coming out so badly by then that I couldn’t say anything. All I could do is cry and hold onto Leeteuk while he whispered sweet nothings into my ear.

Before I noticed it, the members had gathered in the room. All twelve of them. The cold empty hospital room was now filled with loving, concerned faces. This just made me cry harder if it was even possible.

They cared… they all cared for me otherwise they wouldn’t be here. They wouldn’t be crying. Kangin and Yesung walked up to me, apologising profusely saying that they didn’t mean what they said. They just kept telling me how sorry they were, tears streaming down their faces. I wanted to tell them that it was okay but I was crying so hard that I couldn’t respond. Leeteuk, fortunately, assured them that it wasn’t their fault. Their guilty looks lessened slightly but they still kept on crying. 

One by one, the members came and put their hand on my back, whispering to me words like ‘get better,’ and ‘I’m always here for you.’

It was right then and there that I finally felt… accepted.

I finally felt like they all understood how hard it was for me - and I felt like I finally understood them.

I put myself in their shoes for the first time, thinking about how they must’ve felt.

They had to watch as their maknae almost died in a car accident and had to see him recover slowly, so injured and tied up in bed. They had to watch someone that was so sick dance and sing with them. They had to watch as I slowly started losing weight, as I lost the light in my eyes. They were forced to see me break down, be hospitalized, stop talking, become a burden to the group, start rumours in the media… it was a wonder they didn’t slap some sense into me before.

Then finally… they had to watch me almost die for the second time. I didn’t even consider how traumatic that must’ve been for them. Being scared that your member would die for the second time… it must’ve killed them inside.

Most of all, I thought about Leeteuk.

Leeteuk was the only one who knew, he had to carry the burden of looking after an addict, he always tried to help me and support me no matter what. I thought about what it must’ve been like to find me in that bathroom, the shock and disappointment - the absolute worry that something was going to go wrong. Yet he still had to keep it together and look after twelve members. If I were him, I knew I would’ve snapped by now. I thought about how he must’ve felt finding me in the kitchen, blood pooling everywhere. How scared he must’ve been… I just couldn’t find myself getting angry at the times he snapped at me.

Honestly, I deserved it all.

It took all of this for me to finally understand how much pain I had put them through. I wasn’t the only one hurting like I thought. Everyone was hurting right along with me.

 

We are family.

We are thirteen.

We are Super Junior.

 

This is the last time I’m wasted on you.


	34. Chapter 34

Leeteuk was gripping my hand almost as fiercely as I was gripping his. My parents were going to come visit me in a matter of minutes and I was, to say the least, freaking the fuck out. I thought about how they would react, and none of the scenarios in my mind played at well in the slightest. I didn’t want them to see me under these circumstances. I just wanted them to see their bright, loving son. Not their sick, bed-ridden son. I gnawed on my lip, my eyes darting to the door every few seconds to make sure they hadn’t walked in without my knowledge.

“Calm down,” Leeteuk whispered in my ear.

“You except me to be calm?” I whispered back to him hotly. I wasn’t even sure why we were being so quiet, but the stress of knowing something pretty major was going to go down really put us on edge.

The door opened and I jumped in shock. My heart sped up and I didn’t know what to do. My mother, father and sister Ahra, slowly walked up to my bed, as if going any faster would disturb my mental state. 

My dad looked at Leeteuk, “Could you please leave us alone for a moment?”

Leeteuk nodded and made a move to stand up, but I gripped onto his hand in panic. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I was scared. Leeteuk looked conflicted, half torn between leaving and staying by my side. He gave my hand a squeeze and bent down to my level to whisper into my ear.

“I’ll be right outside the door if you need me, but right now you need to talk to your family alone,” He said, getting up and leaving the room. 

I finally got the courage to look up and saw my family standing there, tears in my mother and sisters eyes. My dad was just staring at me coldly with no expression touching his face.

I looked down at my lap in shame. “I… I need a bit of… help,” I ground out in embarrassment. I felt so humiliated expressing my weakness in front of my family.

My mother ran up to me and grabbed my uninjured hand, “of course, what do you need us to do?”

My lip quivered as I thought about what I was about to tell them. This wouldn’t be easy. “I have a problem,” I muttered out, feeling physically sick.

My stomach was turning and twisting as if telling me this was a terrible idea. I had to do it anyway. I attempted to emotionally detach myself and act as if I was speaking through a speaker. That way, it wouldn’t feel so real and painful. I tried to open my mouth but whenever I did, nothing came out. I sighed in frustration and turned to the end table next to the bed, grabbing for a pen and piece of paper. I could at least write it down.

I have a drug addiction.

The writing was messy and unorganised due to the uncontrollable shaking of my hand. I kept the paper even after I had finished writing, just staring down at the words.

I have a drug addiction… I have a drug addiction.

Even now, after I had detoxed and gotten over the initial withdrawals, I still wanted it. God knows I wanted it. I folded the little note over and passed it to my mother. I looked away, not wanting to see their reactions to the news. I heard someone gasp. My hands were shaking and I felt my throat close up in panic. I could hear my sister and mother crying, but I couldn’t look. I couldn’t.

“How long?” My mother gasped out through her crying.

I shrugged, counting up the time in my head, “After the accident… maybe five months? More maybe?”

Her wailing only increased at my revelation.

“Who gave you the right to abuse your body like that?” My father accused, none of the usual warmth in his voice. “Why would you do something like that?” 

“Sorry,” I mumbled, looking anywhere but my family. “I’m so sorry.”

I saw my father collapse into a chair out of the corner of my eye. He looked stressed beyond belief, and I didn’t blame him at all. After just having found out his son tried to kill himself, he finds out that his son is an addict. I felt my eyes water. I really needed to stop hurting people. My mother and sister were holding my hand, crying. We stayed like that for maybe ten minutes before my father stood up and stared at me. He raised his hand and I flinched backwards, thinking he was going to hit me. However, he only lowered his hand to my head.

“We’ll look after you, son. My precious son,” He said, patting my roughly on the head. Expressing his emotions had never been his forte. We were similar in that aspect.

“Thank you for...” I trailed off, trying to think exactly what I was thankful for. “Thank you for everything.”

 

My parents and sister came to visit me every other day and made sure I was eating properly and putting on weight. The rest of the members went home after the first night, but Leeteuk and Ryeowook often came to see me and opted to sleep overnight at the hospital rather than going home. I asked Leeteuk how the members were at home. He had told me that some were fairing well, others, not so much. It was a bit chaotic at the moment, really. I knew that would be the case.

Some of the members sympathised, others didn’t voice their disapproval but I knew they were regarding with discontent. Some… well some took it really badly. Sungmin, surprisingly, took it the worst out of everybody. He told me what an idiot I was for doing what I did. He said he didn’t want anything to do with a person who did those kinds of dirty things. I understood, but it still stung. I was so scared to tell them the full truth about my addiction, though.

Right now, all they knew is that I tried to kill myself, nothing more. I wished I could just let it stay that way, but I knew I owed it to them to explain. I decided that after I was released from the hospital I would tell them.

I sighed to myself. I guess I had a lot of work to do with the members.

 

Ryeowook and Leeteuk were sitting in my room when I decided it was high time to say what had needed to be said for the past few months. We were all chatting amicably when I decided I would drop the bomb shell.

“…then he said that he wouldn’t do it beca-“

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, interrupting Ryeowook’s story. They both turned to me, eyebrows raised. “I’m really sorry for all of this. I didn’t mean for it to go so far.”

Ryeowook just smiled at me and laughed, “You don’t need to apologise, we already forgave you ages ago.”

Leeteuk just looked at Ryeowook and then back to me, the same warm and accepting smile adoring his face. “It’s okay. As long as you’re better.”

I bit my lip, feeling tears threatening to fall from my eyes but stopped them before I could cry again. I wasn’t an easy crier, but lately it seemed that was all I was able to do.

A thought popped into my mind that I hadn’t thought of before, and it made my stomach churn in nervousness. “What about the press?”

“The company already took care of it. They just said you collapsed from exhaustion because your injuries from the accident or something like that. I’m sure they’ll debrief you on their excuses later,” Leeteuk informed me. “They paid a few nurses off and have stopped any articles from coming out. So for now, it seems fine.”

I sighed in relief. The last thing Super Junior needed was another scandal. I looked to Ryeowook and Leeteuk who were conversing lightly about the weather. Right then, everything seemed normal.

This was the life I wanted.

I was going to live it. 

 

A/N: One more chapter after this T_T


	35. Chapter 35

Maybe you were expecting a happy end with rainbows and sunshine with all of us skipping towards the beach, hand in hand. Unfortunately, it was nothing like that. I wished it would’ve been that easy just to stop and everything would be okay, but that just wasn’t how things turned out. Every day is a challenge.I still feel that unbearable need burning through my skin whenever something bad goes wrong. It never leaves. It never sleeps. By some miracle, I escaped the cycle I was caught in. But its claws will dig at me from my back, torturing and tempting me for the rest of my life. They’ll never, ever let go. I’ll never be free.

 

I still feel so much regret for what I did. Every time I look back, I just feel a hot wave of shame come over me for worrying everyone so much.

The hardest time for me was when Hankyung left. I remember almost snapping and just going to find some drugs as quickly as possible since I was so upset. I wanted nothing more than to just be locked up in the bathroom, intoxicated and detached from the world.

But Leeteuk always helped me.

He stopped me from doing anything rash even though he must’ve been so upset himself. He was always around to make sure I was doing well. The other members were so supportive, too.

By now, everyone knew of my past addiction. After I had been released for the hospital because of my suicide attempt, I felt like I had to tell them what was going on.

Apparently, Ryeowook already knew. At first, he didn’t know, but after Leeteuk and I came out from the shower, well, he put two and two together. He just smiled with tears in his eyes, telling me he would always be there for me and that he was proud.

I remember everything about that moment when I had to tell them. It was so horrifying and nerve wracking that I thought I was going to faint right on the spot...

-

All of the members stood around the room, confused as to why I had asked them all to come in, par Leeteuk, Sungmin and Ryeowook who were already informed of my… situation. I considered telling them one by one but I realised that I wouldn’t have been able to take doing that. I asked them all to sit down and I could feel their questioning eyes pierce into my body, staring as if it would give them the answers they needed.

It was going to be hard saying this to them.

I had only just come to terms with the fact that I did, indeed, have an addiction. Saying it in my head was one thing, but saying it out loud to twelve other people was a completely different story. I swept my eyes over the twelve members quickly then forced myself to look down. I didn’t want to see their reactions.

I didn’t want to know what they would think of me.

Leeteuk stood to the side of me, giving me encouraging glances. I wanted to just give up right then and there and just forget the whole thing happened – but I knew I couldn’t do that. I owed it to everyone to give them an explanation, whether I liked it or not.

I forced my dry lips open and began to speak. “I guess most of you noticed that… well that I changed a bit,” I stumbled out, not quite sure exactly where I was going with this. The hours of recital I had done in my head came to naught as my brain completely blanked out. “A-After the accident, I wasn’t doing well. I couldn’t dance or sing properly – and I k-know it held everyone back. So I did something a bit stupid,” I mumbled unhappily. This was taking awkwardness to the extreme. 

“Just say it already!” Heechul burst out, getting irritated over my silence.

I cleared my throat and started again, “I tried something illegal to improve my performance.” I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to spell it out for them. I didn’t want to say the words ‘I used drugs’ out loud. It was still too humiliating for me to say that to someone else. There was a tense silence which was broken by Siwon.

“You mean you used steroids?” He asked innocently.

I almost smacked my forehead right then and there at the innocence of his question, but stopped myself and just shook my head. I folded my arms over my chest as we got further to the truth. They were exposing me, ripping me dry and leaving me to hang. It was horrible.

After a few ridiculous guesses by some of the members, Sungmin interjected. “He’s an addict,” He said coldly, spitting the words out with contempt. “Our lovely maknae is a speed addict.” There was a deafening silence in the room as everyone took what he had said in. For the millionth time that week, I wanted to cry.

Kangin burst into uncontrollable laughter, leaning over with tears in his eyes. The rest of the members joining in, laughing weakly. “You’re joking right?” Kangin laughed, wiping tears from his eyes. “This kid really had us going.”

I stayed completely serious, feeling a little offended when they laughed. Slowly, the members picked up on Leeteuk, Ryeowook, Sungmin and I’s serious faces and sobered up, their mouths turning downwards when they realised I was serious. “You’re not joking,” Donghae said in a shaking voice. “Y-You’re serious!” I dipped my head down, feeling shame flood over me.

I watched as Siwon, Donghae, Eunhyuk and Sungmin left the room upon realising the truth. Heechul, Hankyung, Kangin and Shindong just looked at me with their mouths wide open, looking like they were attempting to say something but couldn’t form the words. Kibum and Yesung were just staring into space, looking like they weren’t exactly sure what just happened. Ryeowook and Leeteuk led me out of the main room and back to our bedroom. They attempted to calm me down as I began to hyperventilate.

-

That was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. Some members didn’t take it too badly considering the circumstances, but others…

A few of them didn’t make any contact with me for weeks, but eventually one by one, they forgave me and let me know that they were always here if I needed anyone.

The last one to crack was Sungmin. After a month of solidly ignoring me, he ran into my room with tears running down his face and hugged me so tightly. He told me he was so sorry that he reacted the way he did. That was when I learned that Sungmin’s friend died of a drug overdose when he was younger. He was so frightened that if he got close to me again, he’d just end up losing another friend. He was scared that I would leave him alone just like his friend did.

After that, we became so much closer than we ever were before. He always watched over me and let me talk to him whenever I was feeling down or the need.

I knew that without my members, I definitely wouldn’t be here today.

 

I’ve had good experiences and bad experiences through my addiction, but they all made me what I am today. Without all those hardships, I would’ve never formed the strong bonds that I did. I never would’ve gotten as close to the members. I would’ve never learned to appreciate life and the people around me. Without those hardships, I never would’ve learned to live. Every single experience I’ve had has shaped me into the person I am today.

And I’m proud of myself for getting through it all. I’m proud of myself for just being… me.

I went through so much to get where I am – and I refuse to give it up for anything. I had to deal with my parents, anti’s, bullies and everyone around me. I’d been through that, so I could get through this. Though I’m not sure what the future holds or what will happen in life, I can say with confidence that I’ll pull myself through, no matter what. I was strong, no matter what anyone said. Plus, I had twelve brothers by my side to help me through.

To this day, I can still feel the regret and shame coursing through my veins for doing what I did - for worrying everyone.

But do you know what I would say if someone asked me if I could take it all back?

I’d say, not for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This was actually supposed to be a one-shot... somehow 34 chapters just snuck up on me. It's still titled 'Kyuhyun oneshot' on my word document lol.


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